Need Opinions

[PirateLover]

Those of you who have been on the boards may have gathered from various posts here and there that I have an elderly grandfather (87) who lost his wife nearly 6 years ago to Alzheimer's after 62 years of marriage. They were deeply in love and for a while he was very depressed. He still is somewhat depressed, but not as much as he used to be. He just gets lonely very easily since he can't really walk around and do much anymore with his legs failing him.
He still manages to bring many conversations back around to my grandmother. He talks about how much he misses her, how he dreams about her, "sees" her walking around the house, "feels" her in bed next to him. He has pictures of her everywhere.

I've recently been dubbing our VHS tapes to DVD and I came across their 50th wedding anniversary. They had a beautiful mass and a surprise reception. My grandmother never looked better. She was in full spirits, had lost some weight, and honestly just looked radiant. The part that got me was when they had their first dance at the reception, to "When Your Old Wedding Ring Was New." It was just very emotional to see them together again like that after so many years of her being sick and now gone.

So anyway, here is the dilemma-
I want to show him the video. His last memories of my grandmother are of her lying doped up on a hospital bed, not knowing his name anymore, changing her adult diapers everyday etc. As much as I know that it will make him emotional to see this video, I think that he doesn't have too many years left, and he should be able to visit with her at a time when she was the woman he remembers... to be able to see her once again in that state of full awareness is upsetting but it is also rewarding and fulfilling.
My mom kind of agrees with me but my dad is saying no, it's just going to send him back into a depression and it's not worth it.

So I'm asking your opinions- maybe some of you have gone through a similar dilemma. Please don't say you don't know him personally so you can't say. I have given you all the info I can. I am not looking for validation, if you all tell me it's not a good idea I will understand. I want honest opinions.

[Disneyatic]

If it were me, I would give him a copy of the video.
It seems to me that having a visual documentation of a happy memory would be a treasure. Maybe seeing the happy moments will help to dim the memory of the trying time before your grandmother's death.
I lost my grandfather when I was 17 and the last time I saw him, he was in the hospital but doing okay, smiling and expecting a full recovery. That left me with a positive last memory. But the day before the funeral this stupid lady told me she had visited him prior to his death and gave a vivid description of how terrible he looked. That description, even though it was verbal, has stuck with me and I hate it.
I would love to have video of him in happier times that I could watch and drown out the ugly vision with.
Sorry to digress, but I wanted to give you my thoughts.
I think you should definitely share that wonderful memory with him.

[Ed]

Wow...that's a tough one.

Personally, if I was your grandfather, I'd want to see it, even if it did upset me at first. I'd want to relive that wonderful occasion and help restore that image of your grandmother when she was in better health.

What troubles me, though, is the opposing reactions of your parents. Which raises one important question: is this grandfather your mother's father or your father's father? I would think that whichever one is the blood relative (and thus has known him all of his/her life) would likely have a better feel for exactly what your grandfather can handle.

Another avenue you might want to explore is talking to your grandfather's doctor. S/he would have a pretty good idea of exactly how something that emotional might affect him.

No easy answers. If you do decide to do it, I'd suggest you make it a family thing - - all of you get together, view the video, and be there to give your love and support to your grandfather.

[merlinmagic4]

I would share the video. I think reliving happy memories is a wonderful thing. To remember happy times can be very healing. He'd probably love to watch it with someone so he could talk about her. Good luck!

[Jasper]

This is such a very personal issue that there is really no right or wrong answer. Has he been seeing a professional to deal with his depression? If he has then maybe you can talk to that person first and get their opinion.

But even if you do that, in the end it should really be up to your Grandfather to choose. (assuming he has the capacity to make such a decision) I do think you are doing the right thing in getting other family members involved even if it is just to make them aware of what is happening.

Since you obviously care deeply for your Grandfather it may also be a good thing to ask him if he wants you, your parents, or any other close family members to be with him when he views it. But be sure not to take offense if he wants to watch it alone.

We had almost the same identical situation with my Father-in-Law early last year and we are now VERY happy that we showed him the video. At the time we showed him the video he was in good health and we thought he would be with us for many more years. Then in December he suddenly developed a heart issue and in about a week and a half he was gone. During the last eight months or so of his life he often mentioned how glad he was to be able to see his wife as she had been for most of their 55 years together and not as she had been the last few years.

The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with every one in the family!

[crazypoohbear]

I would tell him that you have been transferring vhs to dvd and tell him you found the old tape of the 50th anniversary. tell him how happy it made you to see them together dancing. ASK HIM if he would like to see the video or watch it with family, you could even get everyone together to watch. Yes,he might cry but they could be tears of JOY.
My PERSONAL opinion is that it would be wrong to not share the video with him.
My FIL is in his 80's and has been depressed dealing with so many deaths of friends and family but he still enjoys seeing the pictures from the "good ole days"

Again, I reiterate, ask him if he wants to see it.

[PirateLover]

It is my father's father... but my mom has been in the picture since she was a child, then they married in 1970 and she lived with my dad's parents while he was in the Navy. I'm over there a few times a week so I can't really say one's opinion is better informed than the other. We are all actively involved in his care.

I did plan on asking him first no matter what. I would never force it on him. And I do think that if we do show it to him, we should not leave him alone.

As far as doctors go, he is on medication but doesn't see anyone for his depression because he's of the old school of thought- it was a struggle to get him to take the meds in the first place. I don't have a very high opinion of his family doctor (I go with him to appointments). He won't change because he's used to him. He can be a stubborn man ;)

Jasper, thanks for your story. That is exactly why this issue is pressing on my mind. My grandfather has fallen twice in the past two weeks. Luckily he hasn't sustained any major injuries but things can happen so fast. The last time he fell I was on the phone with him 5 minutes prior.

I think I might ask my mom to feel my dad out again... I actually haven't talked to him about this specific tape. I am remembering his opinion from before when I talked about showing pop some regular home movies. I know that in the end it's a personal decision, but I honestly wasn't sure about pursuing it further. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses thus far. I will keep you updated.

[murphy1]

Maryanne, big hugs!! My grandma and grandpa are still together and I worry about them in the next few years (they are in their 80's, met at Pearl Harbor). I think you know in your heart what you want to do, you are a caring granddaughter. Have you seen the movie The Notebook? It reminds me of your situation in a way.

[PirateLover]

Maryanne, big hugs!! My grandma and grandpa are still together and I worry about them in the next few years (they are in their 80's, met at Pearl Harbor). I think you know in your heart what you want to do, you are a caring granddaughter. Have you seen the movie The Notebook? It reminds me of your situation in a way.
Oh my gosh... my mom and I won tickets to a sneak preview to that when it first came out. We were both hysterically crying at the end. It is a very similar story. He always said that God gave him the strength to take care of my grandmother and then as soon as she was gone he took it away because he didn't need it anymore. They went through so much together and really loved each other.

[pink]

I can see where your dad is coming from but I think you should give him a copy of the tape. :mickey:

[daparish]

My brother passed away three years ago (he gave me away for my wedding) and I have not been able to watch my wedding video since his death. Everyone is so different when it comes to dealing with grief and the things that bring them comfort. My mom surrounds herself with my brother's pictures and has his picture in each room of her house. I don't. The pictures for me represent a constant reminder of what I loss. I think I am in the minority but it took me 10 years after my dad's death to display a really beautiful picture I have of my parents. Maybe one day I will be able to deal with looking at my brother's pictures but not yet. I hope your dad will let you extend the offer to your grandfather and let the decision up to him. Your grandfather is very lucky to have such a loving granddaughter.

[DisneyLandMomma]

I would tell him that you have been transferring vhs to dvd and tell him you found the old tape of the 50th anniversary. tell him how happy it made you to see them together dancing. ASK HIM if he would like to see the video or watch it with family, you could even get everyone together to watch. Yes,he might cry but they could be tears of JOY.
My PERSONAL opinion is that it would be wrong to not share the video with him.
My FIL is in his 80's and has been depressed dealing with so many deaths of friends and family but he still enjoys seeing the pictures from the "good ole days"

Again, I reiterate, ask him if he wants to see it.

I agree with this. My grandparents had been married 64 years when my grandma passed away from a stroke back in Sept(3 days after her 90th birthday). BTW...the song you are talking about was also my grandparents song. :cry: My grandpa sang along to it at my grandma's memorial service. Anyway, my sister and I made a huge collage of photos of my grandma and that we had hanging at the memorial service and at the house(he lives with my family) for some time after. About a month or two after she passed, my grandpa asked if we could take it down because it was too painful for him to see. My grandpa became so depressed, he had to leave our home to go live with my uncle and aunt. The memories here were just too much for him. He has recently decided to come back home and has asked if we could put the pictures up again because it's getting easier for him to "see her" again. So that's why I agree with
crazypoohbear that the decision should be left up to him.

:)

[SBETigg]

If it is your dad's dad, I would respect his wishes in the matter. No matter how long your parents have been married and your mother has been in the picture, it is still his dad. He may resent you doing this against his advice, and it could affect your relationship with your dad for the rest of your life.

You have to know, Maryanne, that your grandfather most likely still sees her as you see her in the video and not as he saw her last. That's human nature. He remembers her beauty, her love, and the joy they had together more clearly than he remembers the hard times of caring for her and how sick she was. That was all part of his love for her, and he was glad to do it, but in his mind's eye, she has always been that beautiful young woman.

My husband's grandfather lost his beloved wife in the same way and grieved the same way for the six years he lived after her. Showing him the video would have been a bad idea so I can understand where your dad is coming from. Your heart's in the right place with it, and I'm sure he would love seeing it- followed by a long period of longing and renewed sense of mourning for him. She's always with him, in his heart and in his mind. I don't think he needs the vivid reminder of not having her in his arms now. It stands a good chance of refreshing that pain. But maybe you should let him decide. I don't know. My husband's grandfather would have watched and lapsed back into the depression. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

[PirateLover]

If it is your dad's dad, I would respect his wishes in the matter. No matter how long your parents have been married and your mother has been in the picture, it is still his dad. He may resent you doing this against his advice, and it could affect your relationship with your dad for the rest of your life.

Thank you for your well thought out, insightful opinion. I still have to talk things over with my dad again, I'm waiting for the right time. If he still feels very strongly against it, then I doubt I would continue to pursue it. However, there are two other children (my aunt and uncle) for whom I will be making copies and they may decide on their own to show it to him. That would be beyond my control. No matter what though, I ultimately don't believe that broaching the subject with my grandfather would ruin my relationship with my father, so you don't have to worry about that. If he expressly forbade it, then maybe... but all he said in the past was that he didn't think it was a good idea to show him home movies... and while I was leaning towards yes, I'm not sure either which is why I chose to get opinions. I would never want to make the situation worse, I just want to make him happy. He does have his memories but they only take you so far. Videos are a wonderful invention, however the example you gave of your husband's grandfather is the kind of thing I was looking for. Everything you said has indeed crossed my mind, and I am thankful that you have made me think it over again. I am truly taking in everything that everyone is saying.

[Kairi_7378]

Wow, what a tough decision. I would try to speak to your Dad again, and maybe your aunt and uncle. With his approval, I would let your grandfather know that you found the tape. Maybe he will say something like "I'd love to see that," or "That would be too painful to watch." Personally, I think that he would like to see his wife before she was struck with the cruel disease... but he may prefer his own memories but good and bad.

I agree with Sherri that going against your Dad's wishes would be bad. My parents had been married for 25 years, and had been together for 28, when my dad's parents started to have health issues and died. Mom took them to a lot of dr's appointments but it caused a lot of resentment in the family when she tried to overrule Dad and his 7 siblings' opinions because she had "been a part of the family for so long."

I am glad that you and your parents are so involved with your grandfathers' care. I know that the next few months can be rough (at 86, there is no such thing as a small medical problem, it seems) but hang in there and enjoy your grandfather.

[MNNHFLTX]

Considering your dad's feeling, I understand your dilemma. From what you have shared with us, though, it seems to me that your grandfather has been letting you know where he is at in the grieving process. After your grandmother's death, he was probably too full of grief and depression to be able to be able to reminisce with pictures or stories without sadness overwhelming him. But it sounds like he is at the point where he wants to remember and share happy memories with his family; that it is not as painful anymore, but comforting. I think he would probably cherish the tape you have of he and your grandmother together, especially if he watches it with the rest of the family.

I respect what you are saying about your dad--it's obvious he just wants to protect his father. But this may be an opportunity to share something very special with your grandfather, if he wants to see it.

[SBETigg]

So much of it depends on the man. My own grandfather is ninety and he would want to watch and enjoy the memories. It wouldn't hurt him or linger to cast him into depression. My husband's grandfather was the opposite, as I described earlier. Your description sounded more like what my husband's granddad went through. That's what makes it such a tough call. I trust you'll make the decision that suits him and I think it's incredibly lovely of you to be so concerned. He's a lucky man to have such wonderful family around him.