Our only child wants a sibling - how so we make her understand?

[alphamommy]

Our DD is 8, and really wants a baby brother or sister. I was a little older when we had her, and had a difficult pregnancy. In addition, I've had 3 major health issues during her life.

Technically, I probably could have another baby, but I don't want one, and my doctors have advised against it.

I had hoped that her desire for a sibling would decrease, but she started talking about it last night, and burst into tears, telling us that that's what she wishes for on the first star she sees each night.

Anyone out there with an only child? If so, did they want a sibling? Any advice on how we can make her understand that she isn't going to get one?

I feel so badly for her.

Thanks,
Tammy

[offwego]

Sorry to hear of this, we have an only and he's gone through spurts of this but not too many thank goodness.

One question for you. Did she say how old this sibling would be in her "wish"? The reason I ask is when my DS was around that age he was asking for a sibling but thought one would show up that was aprox 1-2 years younger. It't quite possible your DD doesn't realize the sibling would be about 9 years younger!

One other way to reduce the longing might be to expose her to a newborn for a day or night (not just a cute few minutes at a party but a real long strech with diapers, feedings and fussing) that shows it means you can't do the things with her she's used to etc.

Not that having a sibling isn't a good thing (I adore my brother) but I do know that my DS gets more of my attention then would be possible if I had more children and now at the age of 12 he'd be mighty thrown to have to give that up.

[alphamommy]

She always says "baby brother or sister", so I'm guessing that she really wants a little one to help take care off.

She has a cousin who's two years younger, and she loves being with him. Unfortunately, we don't see them too often. She spends a week with Grandma and Grandpa and her cousin in the summer, and my MIL says that, by the end of the week, they (the kids) are starting to get sick of each other. Maybe I should remind her of that the next time this comes up.

The baby idea would be great if we knew anyone who had a little person. Some friends have a 2-year-old, but they live a couple hours away, and between their older kids' schedules and ours, it's hard to get together with them.

Thanks for listening!
Tammy

[BigRedDad]

Tough situation. I will be facing that issue in the future I bet. My wife had far too many issue with the pregnancy that I am not willing to risk the outcome of another pregnancy. When we do have to tackle the question, we will have a religious discussion about it and let her understand that it is the will of our God.

[CAS]

At 8 years old there's a lot she can understand about the situation. Beyond what's already been suggested, you can tell her in simplified terms the honest truth. I was responsible for plenty by the time I was 8 and would have understood the situation if my mother had presented it. I know I wouldn't have wanted harm to come to either of my parents which would've given me an incentive to not keep complaining about it.

There's no need to scare her :secret: but there's nothing wrong with letting her know some of what's going on and that she's the one-and-only. :thumbsup:

[SBETigg]

This takes on a bigger significance to you because you know the reasons that you won't give her a sibling and the full idea of what family means and what it is to add a member of the family. It sounds a little simplistic, but in her mind, honestly, it may be no greater to her than some kids really wanting a puppy or a horse, or another big thing that you just won't be getting. Please understand I'm not at all equating having a child with having a pet or buying a big ticket item. But you would know how to tackle that one. Sometimes, you have to say no and be firm, even when they want something really badly and it breaks your heart to say no.

I wanted a pony really badly when I was a kid, and I'm still kind of bummed I didn't get one. But it didn't change my life or break me, and now I understand why it was an unrealistic request. She will come to that same understanding later and she won't blame or hold it against you. Make sure she knows that you understand her desires, but don't build false hope. She'll still want what she wants, but she will accept that it won't be happening in her own time. Also, maybe investigate some social situations to increase her opportunities to make friends. Best wishes with it.

[wwgirl]

I am an only child - (i'm 52 now and we do not have any children) I do not feel that I missed out on having siblings, I have one cousin that I am very close to although she lives two hours away.

I am very self sufficient, am very comfortable doing anything by myself, movies, dinner and time at WDW. I love being with my friends, I see them often but also am very happy to have time alone. I guess i'm going to just brag and say that I'm a well adjusted, happy person.

[kakn7294]

I think the truth is the best - simply tell her you don't want another baby and give her a simple explanation of some of the medical complications behind your reasoning. She may not give up her dream, but she's at an age where she should be able to understand a simple, honest explanation. You could also tell her that you understand that she wants a sibling and you know it hurts her that she can't have one but that it also hurts you and DH to not be able to give her one. Sometimes turning the situation around really helps with my DD's - making them see it from the other side can be a real eye-opener for them.

[Mickey'sGirl]

Have you considered sponsoring a Foster Child? DS9 has always had a big brother in another country.

[tinkerbell04]

We are starting to have the same situation with our daughter. I only wanted one child, even before I was pregnant with her. My sisters are both pregnant and due this summer. She has started asking me to have another baby, but she also said that she would be happy with a puppy instead LOL! Well, we already have a dog and a puppy isn't feasible at this time either! She will get lots of interaction with her cousins as we all live close and see each other frequently. She seems to be happy with that for now. I know that doesn't really help you any, but at least you know that other people are in the same boat. :mickey:

[crazypoohbear]

I think she might be old enough to get a condensed version of what you have told us here. She might not stop wishing for a sibling but she will understand that it just isn't possible.
I feel bad that you are in th position, it must be emotional for you.
Good luck with your decision in handling this.

[Magic Smiles]

My DS (16) is an only child. For a while he wanted a sibling. After spending time at friends houses who had younger siblings, he quickly decided that he was very happy being an only child. For a few years he would always have a friend over, but now really enjoys his alone time.

[meldan98]

I'm an only and I had always wanted a little brother or sister. When I was little, my mom and dad just told me that I was going to be it and that they hoped that someday I would understand. My mom told me that the doctors told her that she might never be able to have kids, and that I was their miracle baby. When I was about 8 or 9 I found out that it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant with me. She explained in very simple and easy to understand terms what the issues were and that I was going to be it. I also found out then that she had actually been pregnant once with twins when I was little, but she lost them after her mother passed away. I was sad, but I finally understood the reason for being an only child.

I wish you the best. I'm sure that she will understand eventually your situation. I think that this is a great opportunity to really begin to have good mother/daughter talks.

[crazeedizneefinatic]

I have a 7 year old son. I had a troubled pregnancy and birth experience. I always wanted more than 1child but after that no way, it changed my mind quick. I was "technically" an only child, I had step siblings but was the only one at home. I loved it. I try to explain to my son that he is the one and only. That I am able to spoil him a bit and he has all my attention because I only have him to focus on. The cost of 2 children might make me have to go back to work, which I know he would not like. It's hard, I feel guilty at times, all his friends have siblings. I try to let him invite his friends over whenever so he has more than just me to play with. We just went through a conversation like this a few days ago. He insists he wants a brother. I tell him that no one picks a boy or girl, God picks. It nixed the conversation quickly so I think I found my cure. Good luck with your situation, it's hard. Maybe your little girl wants to act like Mom. Maybe surprise her with one of those life like baby dolls that act real. Maybe that will help a bit.

[thrillme]

I'm an only child and it's worked just fine for me. I did go through a spell where I wanted specifically and older brother. NEVER EVER did I want a sister.

My son is an only too. He kinda wanted a sibling (especially after my husband passed away). By that time we had a kitten and I advised him to help me take care of Tiger. I told him that I wasn't going to having another. I also stood back and took a look at why he wanted on. Perhaps he wasn't busy enough. We started getting involved in more things and I started inviting more children over to play (even though my house was a MESS). We also travel a lot more than any of his friends do...the reason...I only have ONE. It's worked out great. When he had friends move we made an effort to keep in touch and still invite them to parties.

WHY does your daughter want a sibling so? She's old enough to have her reasons. Do you have any much younger nieces/nephews that you can ask to stay over for a week or two?

There's nothing wrong with getting a pet. They can be a wonderful thing as long as the whole family agrees. Let her be involved in picking the pet.

Open your doors to more children. They are in your neighborhood. If you're really open you could consider fostering a child.

I had a GREAT pregnancy. I wanted my baby more than anything. I planned him practically down to the moment. (knock on wood) he's been healthy and happy and I've been about as financially stable as any average person can be. But my husband and I decided on only one because we felt that was what we could best afford. Now...he's soooo much fun I really can't imagine being slowed down by a baby. He no longer has the slightest desire for a sibling.

Although I only have ONE I'd swear I have more...Whenever I walk into the house on those days he rides the bus instead of being picked up by Grandma...I have to ask..."Who's all here" BEFORE I get into my comfy clothes. :D

[alphamommy]

Thanks to everyone for their responses and support!

We have explained (as best we can) why she's the only one. We think my cancer developed while I was pregnant with her. She doesn't remember when we found out what was wrong with me (she was 15 months), but remembers the second time I had cancer (she was 4), and has vivid memories of my brain infection (she was 6.5). She does understand that Mommy has been very sick, but I don't think we've ever come out and told her that we decided she'd be better off with Mommy than with a sibling (and maybe not Mommy).

We've also tried to explain all the things that she wouldn't have been able to do if there were more than her. She plays hockey, and takes a separate hockey class, both of which cost money. We've been to WDW 5 times since she was born. She seems to understand, but she really thinks she wants someone around 24/7 to play with. That's the only reason she gives for wanting one.

I basically grew up as an only child myself. My only sibling is 21 years older than me. I always wanted a big brother, mainly to defend me against the bullies at school. My mom was almost 41 when I was born, so there weren't any more babies coming (I was quite a surprise).

We do try to hold her friends close. We moved away from some very close friends of hers in 2006 (while I was sick), and we've tried to make sure she gets to spend time with them whenever it works out for us and their families.

We have parent-teacher conferences tonight, and she's going to stay with a friend from down the street who has a younger brother and sister. We'll see what DD thinks of that experience!

Thanks again!
Tammy

[Dakota Rose]

Both my mom and my mil are only children. One had a wonderful childhood and the other a miserable one where she always wished for a sibling. The difference appears to be the amount of interaction they each had with children, their own age, older and younger. My mom had lots of friends and cousins of various ages and says she never had time to wish for a sibling. My mil, on the other hand, spent most of her time with her parents and grandparents and had no cousins or friends to speak of.

So, maybe increasing her "playtime" with kids would help?

[MNNHFLTX]

This is a tough situation to go through. My son is a one and only and periodically requested a sibling from about 7 all the way up to 12 or so (he's 15 now) and I know he would have enjoyed the experience. A parent can explain the reasons why they didn't have any more children until they're blue in the face, but unfortunately that doesn't change the child's feelings about it. We found that all we could do was listen and let him know every time that it wasn't going to happen, but that we understood how disappointed he was and that it was okay to feel that way. It didn't change anything, but he knew that he could always talk to us about it.

I agree that making sure that your daughter has plenty of interaction with other kids (and extended family members) is important. My son has tons of cousins, including one cousin he was very close to growing up. And we always remind him that when he gets married he and his wife get to decide for themselves how many kids they want, as adults are entitled to do.

[meldan98]

I also agree to make sure she has interaction with lots of other kids. My mom and dad didn't do a great job at that and as I got older I found that I difficulty making friends with people my own age and everyone always commented on how I acted like a little adult.

[RedheadWriter]

Only child here who never wanted a sibling!
I am 33 and have no kids. I am very close to my parents, have a very large circle of friends and am happy. I had to agree with wwgirl when she wrote: I am an only child - (i'm 52 now and we do not have any children) I do not feel that I missed out on having siblings, I have one cousin that I am very close to although she lives two hours away.

I am very self sufficient, am very comfortable doing anything by myself, movies, dinner and time at WDW. I love being with my friends, I see them often but also am very happy to have time alone. I guess i'm going to just brag and say that I'm a well adjusted, happy person.

I feel the same way!

[thrillme]

She does understand that Mommy has been very sick, but I don't think we've ever come out and told her that we decided she'd be better off with Mommy than with a sibling (and maybe not Mommy).

Tammy

Hey...my prayers and :pixie::pixie::pixie: that you will be allright. Your health is so important.

[conorsmom2000]

We've been down this road too - Conor is 7 and an only child. We had never planned for him to be an only child - but, when he was 2 (and we thought we'd be ready for another), we also didn't plan on a long stretch of unemployment for me and both of our Mom's dying 3 months apart - basically life threw us a few curve balls and it took us a while to recover. By the time we were in a better place, Conor was older, we were older and we just weren't sure anymore. We still haven't ruled it out (though, I'm 38 now....) but it's looking like Conor will be it for us.

He has gone through serious periods of wanting a sibling. I remember when he was about 4 and we were walking through the supermarket parking lot and he suddenly yelled "why can't I have a brother or sister!!!" (much to the amusement of a man walking past us!) We just explain to him the best we can why things are the way they are, and no matter how badly he wants one, it's really Mom & Dad's decision.

It's very hard for him at times because he knows that I'm one of 7 and very close to most of my siblings - so, he sees that and wants it too. He also, when he was small, spent so much time with adults that he's always been like a little adult himself, making it hard for him to interact with other kids (though, he's getting much better with that).

I do remind him often that while he may not have a sibling, he has 11 Aunts & Uncles, 10 cousins and tons of other relatives, all of whom are part of our family and love him. When the issue comes up, we all talk about it and just let him know that we want to hear his feelings about it, but it doesn't mean that things will change.

I'll be honest, though....he does break my heart a little at times, which is how I did end up promising him a new puppy when he turns 9 :blush: :blush: :blush: .....and that he doesn't let me forget!! (I have 1 year, 24 days! :D )