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View Full Version : So angry at my professor! (long - vent)



BouncingTigger
02-19-2008, 07:55 PM
I'm taking 15 units this semester and am very busy juggling all the coursework (papers, tests, group projects, etc). I have two tests this week (Wed and Thurs) and two next week.

Over the weekend, my boyfriend's sister went into the hospital because she has a brain tumor (which we've known about for a long time - but she didn't think it was growing). However, the tumor has grown a third in the past year and is now the size of a key lime. Obviously, the docs want to remove it ASAP - surgery is scheduled for tomorrow (Wed).

I am planning on going to class and taking the tests (even though I don't have much study time now because of all the hospital visits!), but just in case something went wrong in the surgery, I wanted to tell the professor who teaches the classes I have the tests in this week (I have two classes with her). She said at the beginning of the semester that we can make up tests during finals week in case of emergency.

So I talk to her before class today and she is SO condescending about the situation! She insinuated that since it's "just" my boyfriend's sister, it doesn't really matter since my boyfriend and I aren't married. I had to tell her that my bf and I have been together for 3 years (well, two and a half, but I stretched it a bit!) and we've lived together for nearly as long, and that I know his family very well. She still acted like it wasn't a "real" family emergency!

I wasn't even trying to get out of the tests! I was simply saying that in case something bad did happen (which it hopefully won't!) I would obviously have to miss class to be with my bf and his family - she said that that wasn't "obvious" since she didn't seem to think it's appropriate for me to miss class in this circumstance! I'll spare you the rest of the snarky comments she made - but I'm so :mad::mad::mad:

To make it worse, she is a social work teacher! You would think she would be aware that not all families look alike. How can she think that the only way for relationships to matter is marriage? My bf and I do plan to marry someday - but it's not like our relationship is something light and unimportant until we do marry! Grr!:mad:

Now on top of worrying about school, how the surgery is going to go, and how my bf is handling all this, I have to worry about my professor being evil. Sorry this is long...needed to vent...

BronxTigger
02-19-2008, 08:28 PM
That's really rotten.

Here's what I would do. Your syllabus and your school's course guide/student handbook should have some legal information on situations like this. Read up on it and make sure you know the policy on absences and how many you are allowed, etc. Where it could get thorny is the legalese of it all. Your boyfriend is like family you but on paper he is legally not.

If something does come up where you need to miss class, and especially tests, and she is still being a pain, then you may need to speak with her supervisor/dean/your adviser about it. Treat that step with care though, you don't want her to get any more vindictive then she already appears to be. Who knows, maybe later her tone will soften.

:pixie:

SBETigg
02-19-2008, 08:45 PM
I think it's harsh but I also think she's giving you a big dose of the real world. A lot of employers would tell you the same thing. I don't agree with it- I think it's horrible and she should be willing to work with you a little. Sorry she is being that way. I hope it works out for you, and best wishes to your bf's sister. :pixie: :pixie:

BronxTigger
02-19-2008, 09:07 PM
I think it's harsh but I also think she's giving you a big dose of the real world. A lot of employers would tell you the same thing. I don't agree with it- I think it's horrible and she should be willing to work with you a little. Sorry she is being that way. I hope it works out for you, and best wishes to your bf's sister. :pixie: :pixie:

You said what I was sort of trying to say in a much better way. (Perhaps this is why you're a writer and I'm not?)

Basically I was trying to say to make sure you understand the policies before you do anything you might regret later.

jennsky
02-19-2008, 09:42 PM
I don't know about US laws, but in Canada, if you've been living with someone (as a couple) for more than 6 months, you're considered "Common Law", and as such, are considered equivalent to a married couple. Does the US have a similar thing?

Lots of pixie dust to your "sister-in-law" :mickey:

SteveL
02-19-2008, 10:02 PM
Even in the workplace, in-laws acquired through legal marriage are often NOT considered to be immediate family. As an example, in my company if a parent, grandparent, or sibling dies the employee gets three days for funeral leave. However, if it is an in-law, then the employee only gets one day because they aren't considered to be immediate family.
As upsetting as the situation may be to you, I would say tread carefully before going around her. You could win the battle but lose the war.

ncscgirl2005
02-19-2008, 11:29 PM
I think it's harsh but I also think she's giving you a big dose of the real world. A lot of employers would tell you the same thing. I don't agree with it- I think it's horrible and she should be willing to work with you a little. Sorry she is being that way. I hope it works out for you, and best wishes to your bf's sister. :pixie: :pixie:

Unfortunately this is true and I think your professor is viewing your situation as such. I know it stinks but hang in there. No matter who the person was I think it was inappropriate for her to have a condenscending tone in explaining this to you. This will definitely make it harder for you to go to her in another situation. Like I said, hang in there and I hope everything goes well for your bf's sister and the family.

Disney Doll
02-20-2008, 04:21 PM
My guess would be that had the professor given you the same information, but in a nicer, more understanding way you would have been fine with it. There's just no need to be rude. Sorry you have to deal with this and I hope your bf's sister is okay.

Tink2002
02-20-2008, 10:35 PM
Don't even get me started on U.S. family policy (I'm a child and family development minor and I could rant for hours on the subject). All I'm going to say, is EVERYBODY go vote in November.

Getting to your situation, though, I can sympathize, although I've never had to deal with an emergency like that. My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and lived together during this school year, and if that were happening in his family, I would feel the same way. Our relationship is no less serious than some married people, but just because I don't want a ring on my finger for a couple of years and don't want to walk down the aisle until I have my masters, I shouldn't be made to feel like he's "just my boyfriend." It stinks that putting things on hold for an education has costs like that, I know.

I would not worry about her negative comments and focus all of your energy on you bf's sister getting well. If there are issues down the road, don't worry about her, go talk to a department head or a dean, somebody in the big crazy maze that is a college administrative system would hopefully understand.

MsMin
02-20-2008, 11:28 PM
If you came to me ( I'm not a professor but have been a G.A.) I may have told you the same thing but in a nicer more gentile way. I think that sometimes people have difficulty being nice when they are pressured (not by you but the situation) to feel compassionate. They can't let the emotions get involved or they may make a poor decision. The problem isn't letting you go but the others she may have already told no even if it was other semesters or the 15 others who will ask after you leave. She has to stay consistent and fair. Professors get so tired of students whining and sniveling about grades and tests that they get calloused.
I always let the professor know if I felt he was fair in his decision b/c sometimes I think he let his feelings bias his judgment and he was without a doubt tougher on males, besides the work was on me not him anyway.
I had a friend who had me talk to a professor b/c her son was scheduled for emergency surgery on the day of a big test. He told me he was glad to let her miss the exam @ ten but he was giving it again at 3 she could take it then. He didn't have kids and had no clue what she was going through. I was able to convince him to give her more time. I saw a professor give a girl a zero on the final for missing the exam b/c she went into labor early--she said she should have planned better.
Part of academia is jumping through the hoops and many professors will watch you sacrifice your sanity if need be.
If you do need to take time off do try to talk to her again before stepping over her head. The next step up is the department head before a dean in most settings. When and if you talk to
her again put emphasis on the importance of the class and your grade. Tell her your concern in your ability to do your best. Sometimes when talking to a person who is waiting to say NO before you open your mouth the best way to handle it is to validate their role and responsibility. I would say I know you can't let me out of the exam or you are tired of hearing excuses. You want to changer her decision so when you approach and she's thinking I have to say no sometimes by validating this it softens them-- kind of a reverse psych technique (:secret:it works well with speeding tickets too).
Prayers and :pixie: for your bf's sister. I know it's hard and hope she beats this tumor..

PirateLover
02-21-2008, 08:15 AM
Honestly I'm surprised at your professor's reaction and most of the responses. I guess I went to the nicest college around because I can almost guarantee that every one of my professors would've been cool with that. Do you have a small class and a close relationship with your professor (as in you answer a lot of questions, get good grades, turn things in on time?) Usually when I did these things, professors were inclined to cut me a break. I got just as much sympathy when my boyfriend (now fiance)'s grandfather died as I did when my own grandfather died. What if it was your best friend going into surgery and she needed you there? She isn't family technically but she is in a way to you, and that would be more important to me than a test that the professor has already said can be made up in an emergency. If it comes down to you having to go, As soon as you find out I would email or call your professor and say I know we had this discussion and you are not keen on my missing this test, but to me, this person IS family to me and I really need to be there. How can you possibly take a test with all of that on your mind. When you come back, see what she says and if she gives you a hard time then I would go above her head.
:pixie: for the situation. I hope it works out for the best for everyone.

monkeycity
02-21-2008, 09:25 AM
I think it is sad that a person has to be legally related to someone they love who has passed away in order to get any time to grieve. Why is that? How come our society has gotten to the point where we are all expected to be little troopers (or mindless robots, take your pick) and go on with life as usual unless someone is legally related to us? This was before my time, but wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to the time when stores and everything else were not open on Sunday so we could all enjoy time with our families? I know, how inconvenient would that be! I think it'd be worth the sacrifice. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all to put our relationships first ahead of our jobs, thus making ourselves that much happier? I know, this is all wishful thinking...

Tink2002
02-21-2008, 11:47 AM
I'm with you on all of that, monkeycity.

We hear all the time from our country about how "family values" are so important. And then look at the systems we have in place - even if you ARE blood related it's near impossible to have the kind of dedication and time with your family that you should be able to.

Did you know that Papua New Guinea is the only other place besides the United States that doesn't guarantee a paid maternity leave for new mothers?

When you have a child in Canada you are given a year's paid leave. (somebody correct me if I'm wrong on this, it may be outdated, but it's what I heard in class last semester)

Other countries, especially the European ones, cannot fathom that it may be impossible for a parent to take paid leave when a family member is very sick, that flex-time does not need to be built into parents schedules to allow for them to make important events, and that quality child care is not a right but a ridiculously high expense.

Whew. So I guess I did get started on it a little in the end, and I know it's a touchy subject that a lot of people will disagree with me on, but I feel like things need to take a bit of a change around here if we want to really start preaching family values, caring, and understanding.

Mickey'sGirl
02-21-2008, 12:19 PM
I am so sorry for all of the stress you are undoubtedly under. I wish your SinL all the best, and hope you trudge through the next little while with great results! :pixie: for you and your family.

When you have a child in Canada you are given a year's paid leave. (somebody correct me if I'm wrong on this, it may be outdated, but it's what I heard in class last semester)
Kinda true. We are allowed to take up to 12 months off, but it is not paid leave. All working Canadians regardless of age, gender or location pay into Employment Insurance on each and every paycheck (I have been paying into it since I was 13). The parent (it can be either parent or both who combine to make up the 52 weeks) then applies for the benefit when the baby is born. Due to caps on the benefit etc., in my case it worked out to about 1/4 of my salary (I am management) -- but it was well worth it. 12 months of unquestionable absense to spend with your new child is priceless....Sorry to hijack your thread!