Am I being unreasonable?

[Dakota Rose]

I'm going to try and keep this as short and simple as I can, but it's a long sordid tale.

Bottom line: my MIL does a lot of things to make my life difficult. Nothing outright like name-calling just passive-agressive stuff like ignoring me, scolding me, competing for DH's attention, excluding my family and that kind of thing.

Obviously this is quite upsetting as after 9 years together it's only getting worse. When she does something that hurts or angers me, DH will apologize for her behavior but, except for one occasion, he's never said anything to her. I said to him today, "Do you have anything to say on the matter? I don't know what to do." And he just said, "I just don't let her upset me anymore." Of course this just enraged me more.

I feel betrayed most of the time by this response, and I've told him that. Is it unreasonable that I would expect him to defend me?

[Terra]

OH gosh I am so sorry you are going through this...
My DH's family can be like this too! Ugghh...

Anyway, sadly what your husband said concerning himself is probably true...he's basically learned to tune it out...

BUT....I think you have every right to be upset and YES!!! I think he needs to lay down the law basically and tell your MIL that this is his family and when he married this family came first...

When DH's family really upsets me I let him know and expect him to say something because if he doesn't boy he knows good and well I will!! LOL...

I sure hope this gets better for you!!

[Terra]

Double post...sorry....

[Jimenyfan]

This is a very difficult thing to go through in a marriage and I think you have every right to expect your husband to defend you. Do you ever say anything to your MIL about the way she acts? I have a very good relationship with my MIL but we have had a few incidents where she has overstepped her bounds and I have quickly told her my feelings in these situations. I will say during these times DH quickly steps out and lets me handle it and I think he is appreciative that I don't bring him into it. I will say to my MIL credit that she understands her place in our lives and that our immediate family comes first.

[TXTigger]

If I didn't know better, I would think you were me! My MIL was constantly using manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior against me. She was (and is) jeaous of my role as wife. My DH would just let it go in one ear and out the other, and basically didn't even notice the behavior anymore. I would end up angry with him because he didn't see what she was doing to me.

One day my MIL got angry at us due to a misunderstanding on her part, and so in her passive-aggresssive ways, she emailed me that she never wanted to speak to me again. This finally got my DH's attention! After several months of him arguing with her he finally quit speaking to her after we got a 16 page letter that both of us felt that the underlying theme was that she wanted my DH to leave me.

I sincerely hope this never happens to you. Before things got so bad, I learned the best way to get my husband to see what she was doing was to calmly explain what she had said or done, and then tell him how that made me feel. It was very difficult as I was typically steaming with anger!

We have been married for 8 years. When we first got married, I thought my MIL was a very sweet woman, she seemed to show more of her true nature with each passing year. It has been a year since we spoke to her, so you have already lasted longer than I did! :thumbsup:

Good luck and loads of :pixie:. PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to.

[Dakota Rose]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the encouragement.

I have, on two occasions, talked to her about the situations. And once my mom brought it up to her and once DH brought it up (I said I wasn't going to Christmas Eve at her house b/c of something she'd done so that got his attention). On all 4 occasions, she's gone into victim mode, started crying, said it was a misunderstanding on my part and plays the poor me game.

TiggerTx, you hit the nail on the head. My MIL is also jealous of my role as wife. Drives me mad. At our engagement party, she insinuated that we wouldn't make it, that I wouldn't be able to "handle" my DH.

Sometimes I wish I'd make her mad enough to stop speaking to us.

[RedheadWriter]

I can relate! From someone who has dealt witrh passive aggressive former in laws, family members and boyfriends....I have learned the best thing to do is carry on happily and ignore the horse puckey they do. They won't change. It is a way of life to have their victimhood at 'whatever' displayed. You are in my thoughts.

[kakn7294]

My FIL and his wife (not DH's mother - they've only been married 8 years - far less than us actually), has tried to make my life miserable. Sometimes she succeeds but for the most part, I don't put up with her garbage anymore - I either tell her off or just plain ignore her. I don't fight with DH much over it anymore - I'm still ticked that he doesn't defend me as much as I think he should, but it's not worth giving Debbie the satisfaction that she's made me miserable and created problems in our marriage. Good luck to you. I miss my real MIL who passed away 9 years ago - we had our differences, but she really was great.

[Marker]

I guess I'm going to go against the grain a little here. Sorry, but just saying what I think.

Your husband is not responsible for things his mother says and does. To put him in the middle and effectively force him to take sides against his mother to me is a bit out of line.

I've always been a believer in the theory of " you have no control over what other people do, however you do have control over how you react to it". Someone mentioned that she can go into "victim mode", well sorry to say but that's a little of what this sounds like. Sounds a bit like you're choosing to blame her, rather than taking responsibility for your reaction to it.

You're all adults. The reality is, not everyone is going to like us. And if they don't, for whatever reason, you can't just "make them". Whether they like you or not, is their thing. Whether you choose to obcess over it or to move on is your choice.

And why would she do such a thing? Well, perhaps to rattle your cage. And the more she succeeds, the more she'll do it. On the other hand, if you refuse to let it rattle you and just let it roll of your back, perhaps she'll lose interest and move on herself.

Also, I don't know if there are kids involved, but if there are, consider what sort of behavior you want to model for the kids, that of a victim, or that of someone strong in who they are and capable of dealing with adversity in a mature and honorable manner. Knowing well, that the behavior you demonstrate is what your children will learn.

I don't mean to start anything, and perhaps I'm just coming at it from a husband point of view. But you asked, so I said what I feel.

Good luck.

[DizneyRox]

I am going to side with Marker on this one as well. There are two sides to every story, we are hearing one. I'm not sure who is to blame, and I really don't care. In my life, I take responsibility for me. For my actions AND my reactions. If I don't like something, I do something about it, I don't expect someone else to do something about it. Kindof like - If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

If I was put in your shoes, I would write her off. I've got better things to do that worry about making someone like that happy.

[murphy1]

Sorry, I'm a DIL with a rather high maintenance MIL and I know it can be tough. When she is petty, or says something nuts as mine will, just try to ignore it. I don't know if they feel threatened or what, but sometimes you just have to distance yourself from her if she is not "behaving". She needs to respect that you are his wife, yes, she is his mom, but it changes.

[Advnt05]

Without opening a can of worms (which is usually what I say when I proceed to open a can of worms), this is a classic ageless difference between men and women and it comes down to communication. When a lot of men and women get married (not all), there is this difficulty for mothers who have been traditionally the sole caregivers for their sons to let go. I saw an article where in Italy, they're having the same issue as men in their 30s are going home each night for mama to cook dinner. The new wives resent this. What it boils down to is that men are being asked by their wives to kick mama to the curb (not as cut in dry as that) while mama's are asking sons to show loyalty. Men can't win in this situation. The real issue usually comes out being that wives want men to defend them and show family loyalty. If men would do that, then the wives usually don't care what mama says. It's more of an affirming action than anything.
Being a man myself, most men have experienced controlling mamas for years. They learn the art of tuning them out and ignoring it all. Wives tend to want to talk it out and resolve it directly while men ignore it.

Not sure what the best solution is but this has happened for ever. Loyalty to wife...loyalty to mama..who is the queen of the house? Tough choices that make me shiver. Men...can I get a witness?

[Stitchahula]

Having to have gone to marriage counseling twice because of my mil and her demon spawn daughters I can relate. My husband always seems to choose their side over mine. They meant nothing by it ,I took it the wrong way ,it never happened, or my personal favorite what did you do to get them to say/do that. Both counselors have told my husband the same thing He needs to address this with his family He needs to let them know that this is unacceptable and he won't put up with them treating his wife this way. I hope you have better luck than we did my husband never followed the advice of the counselers and is now living in a separate bedroom :hug:. My heart goes out to you.

[murphy1]

Without opening a can of works (which is usually what I say when I proceed to open a can of worms), this is a classic ageless difference between men and women and it comes down to communication. When a lot of men and women get married (not all), there is this difficulty for mothers who have been traditionally the sole caregivers for their sons to let go. I saw an article where in Italy, they're having the same issue as men in their 30s are going home each night for mama to cook dinner. The new wives resent this. What it boils down to is that men are being asked by their wives to kick mama to the curb (not as cut in dry as that) while mama's are asking sons to show loyalty. Men can't win in this situation. The real issue usually comes out being that wives want men to defend them and show family loyalty. If men would do that, then the wives usually don't care what mama says. It's more of an affirming action than anything.
Being a man myself, most men have experienced controlling mamas for years. They learn the art of tuning them out and ignoring it all. Wives tend to want to talk it out and resolve it directly while men ignore it.

Not sure what the best solution is but this has happened for ever. Loyalty to wife...loyalty to mama..who is the queen of the house? Tough choices that make me shiver. Men...can I get a witness?


Spoken like a true man (I'm just kidding!). Seriously, this is a tough issue. I think some women are drama queens and feed off that. They get mad if the other woman won't take the bait (talking to friends, many of us deal with this with a MIL). Some of us have just choose not to deal with it. I have three daughters to raise, plus I deal with it by tuning it out, yes, women do this, too, sometimes you just have to. I would like to raise my kids and then let my kids have their lives, ask me when they need advice, but not overstep things. I am like that in all aspects of life, too.

Coreen, you poor thing, sorry you have had a MIL and SIL's to deal with like that.

[DisneyTwinsMommy]

Your MIL must be my MIL's twin!! Seriously though... I am in the EXACT same situation... I married "her baby", moved him away (it was his job, not me, btw), had children with him... (how dare i!!)

I have found the best way to deal with her is to kill her with kindness but stand your ground. My MIL is a very "oh poor me" kind of person... she says ridiculous things like "ok, i guess we will see you for Christmas" (In July!) she wants you to say "Oh no, we would always come see you!"...

Instead, now I just agree with whatever she says... "Ok, see you then!"

For example, this weekend... we had her camera that my DH was fixing... we called her and invited her for lunch, to come see the babies, and pick up her camera... She calls 15 minutes before she is supposed to arrive and says "oh, I am just going to run in an pick up the camera, I know you are busy with the babies..."

To which i reply "well, if you want to pick it up, I will have it ready for you!"

(BTW, she stayed for lunch.... like i knew she would...)

I am NEVER rude to her, I just don't play the game she wants me to play... and really I win, b/c it makes her crazy! :secret:

Good luck! I know it is VERY hard...

[prprincess]

Wow, someone else's MIL is like mine?! It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

But seriously, I do think that your hubby does to some extent need to put his foot down and let her know what her boundaries should be.

My MIL just started speaking to us 2 years ago, after cutting us off for almost 5 years. She was against our Disney wedding, and since we weren't doing things her way, she wanted nothing to do with us. During the entire debacle leading up to her disowning us, I handled everything with her and tried to deal with it myself. But later on, after seeing a counselor, he actually told me that it was really something that my hubby should have handled early on.

So when we started speaking again (she couldn't help herself when she'd seen pictures of DS#1 from a friend), hubby laid it all out on the table for her. She can still be a bit of a drama queen, but hubby always reminds her of what happens, and she straightens out. And trust me, when she does, she's not to bad to be around.

So I'd say to talk to hubby about ways that you can both get together and communicate to her that her behavior is unacceptable. And if you have to, speak to a professional. They always have interesting and creative ways to solve problems.

[thrillme]

I have not had an issue with my late husbands mother because she passed away before we were married but prior to that we were wonderful friends and I'm very grateful for that...I really miss her. My future husband's Mom seems like a total joy and I'm really lucky...

I have a son and I hope to be a good mother-in-law to his future wife but at the same time...he will ALWAYS be my baby. It's just the way it is. But I will look forward to loving my daughter-in-law as a daughter.

Now...with that said...I'm very very sorry for those that have "challenges" with their "in-laws". People are people...you can't control who they are or what they do. But...I guess I just think it's rough to put your husband in a place where he has to choose between his wife and his mother in the sense of "telling her (his mother) off". I think this is a very painful conflict for him.

Perhaps they could use some one on one time just the two of them, let her see that you are NOT taking her "baby" away from her...that it's easy for him to love both of you. Pick your battles. Which ones really mean something which ones are really not that big of a deal. Be the one to say something. Keep him out of the loop. If NOTHING works, take a deep breath...vent to friends and try and remember who he CHOSE with his own free will verses who gave birth to him.

[Marilyn Michetti]

Dr. Phil did a program on this not too long ago. His opinion was that "it's your husband's job to deal with his mother and protect you". Lots of sons just stand very still in a corner and hope it goes away, but you are his number one priority, even if it means "planning" to be somewhere else for the next family thing.

God bless you. My MIL died of brain cancer 17 years ago, and my DH was the one that cleaned her up every morning, even though he had three R.N. sisters. She was one of the sweetest ladies that ever lived, and once, referred to me as the "daughter she never had". That's no great reflection on me, it's just that three daughters didn't do much for her.

Some families are just never going to give you "warm fuzzies", but I WOULD expect you to demand support from your DH, even if it's a little passive.:yes:

[Advnt05]

I'd be curious to take an informal study on how many of the MILs that are considered difficult are either widowers or divorced. I'm just wondering if the ones that are happily married don't interfere as much.

I'm lucky to have a MIL that wants to get to know me and is fun. Sure she steps over the line occasionally but then she stops and says "that's none of my buisness". It's mainly because I like to have a beer at dinner and she thinks that makes me a drunk. :beer:

[murphy1]

Marilyn, I saw that show, I forgot about him saying that.

My MIL and FIL are married, but badgers my FIL endlessly. I'm glad to read these threads.

Another thing, don't let anyone make you think you are "taking things the wrong way". Oh, my BIL (my husband's brother) called his wife stupid and a name I can't repeat and I was considered a witch for sticking up for her and telling him off and disrupting some gathering we had one time. Aren't I terrible (hehe)
Advent05, your MIL would just find me to be the lush at Epcot drinking a beer and margarita on the same day!

[Dakota Rose]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I looked up the Dr. Phil show and found some helpful information there. I think part of the issue is that my mom didn't like DH at first and was mean. But I stood up to her until it stopped and now the two of them are really good friends. I just want the same support from DH.

As for the informal survey, my MIL is divorced. I have a SMIL who is wonderful but she lives far away. :(

[BelleandtheBeast]

He needs to stick up for you. It really is just hurting everyone when he does not say anything to her, she probably think he agrees with her.

[crazeedizneefinatic]

I feel for you. I have been with my Husband for 17 years married 12 of those years. His mother is unbearable. She was okay until we announced our engagement. She tried everything and I mean everything to break us up. She wore a white dress to the wedding, photo copied my wedding invites and gave them to her friends, ect ect... I let it roll off my back, yes I actually did. But after years of this it get hard to let it roll off your back. She has made our life hell. A few years after we were married she tried to claim my husband on her taxes1!?!?! What! THe IRS held up both our returns, which we needed badly at the time to pay off a bill, something she probably knew. She had used our address for junk mail with her name on it! Sends us cigerette coupons, you name it. She somehow got my email address and registered on a gambling site! Years of slipping cards to my husband at Christmas letting me see out of the corner of my eye. My husband always gave me the song and dance of "she's my Mother, what can I do?". Until recently, he changed his tune. Well, after all this I had enough of keeping it inside and letting it go. Now I had a son to protect. Boy do things change when you have kids. I did not want him around her without me in any way shape or form. Not that she was too interested, although she bragged about what a wonderful Grandmother she was. Long long long story short, I told my husband I do not want to hear her name mentioned, I do not want to go to her house. My life has been very peaceful with this understanding. This women is very very jealous of our relationship. She is in her late 60's working retail, does not own a home, gambles too much, never has any money ect ect. She is very jealous that we have made something of ourselves. When my husband was at home she took "care" of him, whatever that means. Do yourself a favor, if your husband once and for all does not stick up for you tell him you don't want to hear about her. Take her out of your life, hard, but can be done. You will also know where your husbands loyalty is also. I know all MIL probably overstep sometimes, I am sure I will once my son gets married once or twice. But never ever like mine! Take care of yourself and your family. Your husband should stick up for you but if he tries and fails or does not try at all don't give up shut her out.

[diz_girl]

Sorry husbands, if your mother is this type of woman, then your mothers have been using manipulation all of their (and your) lives to get what they want. Their husbands are probably passive and they've raised you to be passive and "tuning" her out is just continuing to be passive and she continues to get what she wants. I know that I'm going to get a lot of flack for this, but these sons need to get a spine. The sad fact is that they probably never will, they'll end up divorced from wife #1 and then the same thing will be repeated with wife #2. That's because these people (not just women) hate it when anyone stands up to them and then use other types of manipulation (like crying) to try and get their way. Some daughters (and sons) learn how to manipulate like Mommy and others become passive - and the cycle continues.

The next time she brings on the tears, try a little "How dare you use crying to try and manipulate me/us" (hopefuly in front of the hubby), so she can see that you can see through her act. Saying it in that way, by making it sound like you're the victim, might help to take the victim role away from her. Don't say, "Can't you see that she's using crying to mainpulate you?," as she will still look like a victim.

Thankfully my husband doesn't take it from my MIL (who is high-maintenance and has a martyr complex) and I don't take any from my mother any longer. I am in the process of becoming a less passive and more assertive person. I was a passive person and that stemmed from my mother being controlling and pushy. For example, in my early 20's when I was still living at home, I was invited to a bridal shower and my mother helped me pick out a gift. She worked at a department store and used her discount so she had the receipt. The gift was wrapped and sitting on a chair in the living room. It disappeared for a day or two and then reappeared right before the shower (still wrapped), which I chalked up to the gift's taking up too much space in the living room. When I got to the shower and the bride-to-be unwrapped the gift, it was a different gift and a pretty ugly one at that. Yes, you thought right, she returned the gift and substituted it with another and didn't tell me. Needless to say that I was in shock. When I confronted her, she said that she thought that I probably wouldn't pay her back anyway, so she bought something cheaper. I was deceived and then insulted. I told her that I didn't pick it out so I shouldn't have to pay for it. What a nutjob.

I later married my husband, who turned out to be passive aggressive and overly-critical. So it was like I married my mother - which after 12 years of marriage I finally told him that. He told me that he wanted me to stand up for myself, but he later disklied it when I tried to stand up to him.

With a lot of therapy (years) I have finally been able to get a spine and stand up to my mother. I don't let her push me around any more. I've been starting to do that with my husband because I don't want my son (7 months) to see manipulation or verbal abuse as acceptable ways to treat someone or be treated by someone. Children learn by example and that's one example that I don't want to teach. Overcoming this passiveness has been difficult, but it's getting easier as I've identified my passive behaviors and have worked to stop the behavior as it happens, rather than re-playing the scenario over and over in my head, wishing that I could have said something at the time.

So to re-cap. These MIL's are controlling. The sons (and probably other family members) are passive and need to get a spine. I'm working on my passivity. Sorry for the long post.

[Dakota Rose]

These last couple posts have been empowering! Thank you!

I had to smile, crazeddizneefanatic, when I read your post. My MIL has done a lot of those things too. When we were first dating, she was nice to me, but the longer we were together, the colder she got. She even started inviting herself along on dates. I felt bad for her, being that she was divorced. Then we got engaged and it all deteriorated very quickly. She actually made herself sick the day we got engaged. When DS was born, both he and I almost died in labor (long, long story). Did she call or come see us at the hospital? Nope. But she did send a thank-you note to my hubby to thank him for the beautiful grandson! DS is almost 4 now. I can count on one hand the number of times she's interacted with him. Usually she just sits there and nags him the way she nags her son.

Anyway, I'm feeling better and will talk to DH later.

[Disney Doll]

I completely understand. I don't always get along that well with my MIL. DH usually just ignores her bad behavior which at first I though was just a cop out, BUT now I see the benefit in ignoring her. She's kind of a drama queen and an attention seeker. Ignoring her puts me back in control of the situation and shows her that her manipulative ways won't work. Sometimes I avoid her phone calls and just let DH deal with her. Once we did have a pretty heated argument over her incessant boundry stepping. I actually asked her to leave and she immediately turned to DH for support. He basically told her that she shouldn't disrespect me in my own home, that he thought she was just trying to pick a fight, and that she should leave. Having DH side with me really put her in her place. I don't mean that in a bad way, but you know it showed her that his loyalty lied with me and she needed to respect our marriage. That was about 4 years ago and since then things have been much better. DH is still good at letting things roll off his back and I'm getting better too. Not that you want to force your DH to takes sides, but clearly he's got to be on your side. If the marriage is not first priority it will never work. Best of luck with your situation!

[Disney Doll]

I completely understand. I don't always get along that well with my MIL. DH usually just ignores her bad behavior which at first I though was just a cop out, BUT now I see the benefit in ignoring her. She's kind of a drama queen and an attention seeker. Ignoring her puts me back in control of the situation and shows her that her manipulative ways won't work. Sometimes I avoid her phone calls and just let DH deal with her. Once we did have a pretty heated argument over her incessant boundry stepping. I actually asked her to leave and she immediately turned to DH for support. He basically told her that she shouldn't disrespect me in my own home, that he thought she was just trying to pick a fight, and that she should leave. Having DH side with me really put her in her place. I don't mean that in a bad way, but you know it showed her that his loyalty lied with me and she needed to respect our marriage. That was about 4 years ago and since then things have been much better. DH is still good at letting things roll off his back and I'm getting better too. Not that you want to force your DH to takes sides, but clearly he's got to be on your side. If the marriage is not first priority it will never work. Best of luck with your situation!