Out of control friends

[pink]

Sorry this is very long!

I'm eighteen and this past June I went to where else WDW for a week and when I came back my three best girlfriends started doing drugs and drinking excessively. They changed drastically in that one week and since then things have always been this way. One night my friend and I were supposed to meet up for dinner over the summer and I was waiting in the parking lot for her and she called me to tell me that she fell off and dock and almost drowned but a random boy saved her. She was so intoxicated and on so many drugs I'm suprised she didn't die and she would have easily drowned if that boy did not save her from the water. Then the other day my same friend called me to tell me that her one of my other friends and another girl were in a terrible car accident. One of the girls was having a AIM conversation on her sidekick while going 80 MPH on the highway (the speed limit is 55 MPH) and hit a car which sent him spinning crashing and wrapping around a tree and totaling her car. No one was hurt so they still seem to not get it. The driver "swears" that she wasn't drinking or on any drugs but I find that hard to believe because all of the other girls were and the driver, I believe is the core of all of this bad behavior between my other friends. This girl is a year older than us and granted that doesn't make much of a difference but she is very pushy and my other good friend has always been a follower type. These are not the only incidents of there reckless behavior and I'm scared to say but it's always probally not the last. I'm afraid that by the time they realize what they're doing it is going to be too late. There parents are all totally oblivious to there behaviors and it baffles me. I've never been involved in any of these activities they choose to persue and have always been my own person however recently they have tried to involve me. They constantly invite me to clubs and I've tried to tell them that clubs are not really my thing and yet they continue to bager me. I want to spend time with my these people I call my friends and yet I feel like I have no way to see them unless I include myself on there unresponsible adventures. Anyone going through a similar situation of have any advice? Thank you. :mickey:

[TXTigger]

Have you told anyone what is going on? Either their parents, or your parents, or if you are in school, or college together, an advisor. These girls obviously need help, and although they may hate you when you spill the beans, they will thank you when they are older, and still alive.

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. Lots of :pixie: and prayers. I had a similar situation when I was in high school, and did not handle it well, and still regret it to this day. Needless to say, I didn't try to get them help, just in trouble to try to shock them out of it, and I completely walked away from them. It didn't work. You're getting advice, and so I know that you will make a better and more informed decision than I did. Good luck.

[PirateLover]

First things first I'm sorry you are losing your friends. It is indeed amazing how quickly people fall into bad behavior. What I'm going to tell you may be hard to hear, but trust me, it comes from experience. There is really nothing you can do. The only way these friends will change is if someone gets killed. Yes they've come close, but they survived, therefore they think they are still invincible. I'm sure you've thought of telling parents but as you said they are oblivious. I had a friend who got really bad into drugs and his parents did not want to believe it either. They wouldn't listen to anyone. He would have constant nosebleeds (from cocaine). In fact his nose was so badly deteriorated you could see his cartilage clear through. His entire person looked horrible. Yet it is now 5+ years later and he's still at it, stealing from everyone, in and out of jail. I just cut him out of my life.
One thing I could suggest, is that if you know where they are going to be and that they will be doing dangerous illegal things, notify the police. If they get busted, it will at least bring the problem to the parents attention (although they may just brush it off as a one time thing). You could also talk to a school counselor, who might then involve the parents, but they will probably figure out it was you and you'd have to be prepared to deal with some backlash in the meantime.
You just need to be honest and tell them that you don't have a death wish, and while you care about them, you can't condone their behavior. Hopefully you have a few friends that aren't acting crazy that you can hang around with. Good luck.

[BronxTigger]

I agree. Find a trusted adult that you can talk to about their dangerous behavior. It is dangerous to them as well as to the general public. Then, you need to find a new group of friends. Stay strong and don't get drawn into their mess. It will be hard but you have to look out for yourself.

Make sure you tell somebody though. You don't want to live with any guilt or regret if something happens that you could have notified somebody about. Otherwise, most of it it out of your control. You are not in a position of authority to them, and they no longer appear to value your opinion or concern for them.

:pixie:

[Here we go again...]

First, let me say that I am proud of you for not giving in to peer pressure.

I think this is the time in your life that you realize that you are out growing your friends.
There comes a time that we all realize that something changes in our lives and people that were once a part of us that made us complete are now something that gets in the way. When we are young we always think we will have these people in our lives forever and it hurts when the time comes to move on.

There are very few of my friends that I am still close to now that I thought would be a part of my life forever years ago.
The thing that drove us apart? Drugs.

The bad part of all of this is that you can not change them. I would assume that you have already tried talking to them about this. If not, it is time to sit down and have a heart to heart.
If they are willing to save the friendship, they will have to change. If they are not willing to change, the friendship is not going to last.

For now, do not get in a car with them. If they are driving and you are in the car, you put you life in danger. If you decided to spend time with them and you drive, what happens if you get stopped and there are drugs in the car? Around here they take the car... are you willing to give up your vehicle for a "friend"?

This is going to be a hard time for you. I watched many friends turn to drugs and watched them destroy their lives. I watched some die, and I watched them destroy the lives of those around them.

What ever happens, you are going to need a lot of :pixie:

[J9]

I had friends who changed overnight as well. It's not something to look forward to, and I was nervous about doing it because I didn't want to lose them, but after a while I just couldn't take it anymore, told them exactly what I thought of them and told them they were pretty much dead to me until they got their acts together.

I got sick and tired of trying to gently coax them back to normalcy. At that age you as a friend can't control them and they are ultimately responsible for their own actions. I made the choice not to be dragged down with them.

Good news is its been about 5 or 6 years since then and some of these friends are back in my life. Although they are still a bit too crazy for my liking and we're not as close as we used to be, the health hazards have cleared up significantly to only normal twentysomething drinking and clubbing. No drugs except the occassional joint (and whenever I see or smell that I tell them they know how I feel about that and I'm going home. And because I'm always DD they can make their choice to come with me or call a cab.) But overall, things are fine now.

The thing is you can't feel responsible for them. I remember one of my friends disappeared with a creepy guy for hours at a college party for hours. I was planning on driving back at like 1 and it got to be like 5:30 and I still couldnt find her. I finally did and told her we were leaving, but she didnt want to go. I knew she was drunk and not all there so I felt bad leaving because if something happened to her I would have felt responsible for not being there to stop it. But you know what? Like I said, you can't force people to do what they don't want to do.

You have to worry about yourself first and foremost.

[kakn7294]

I'm really sorry you have to go through this - it's great that you still want to help your friends but you can't do that alone. I think your best bet would be to tell someone at school such as a guidance counselor and get advice on how to help your friends from someone who understands "the system". You've done well to not bow to peer pressure - keep up the good work! If nothing else, you may have to walk away and leave them to their own destruction - ultimately, you cannot help them and you cannot feel responsible for what they are doing. :pixie:

[ncscgirl2005]

I too commend you for not giving in to peer pressure.

I know it may be hard for you but you are going to have to get someone else involved. If their parents won't take you seriously then you should speak with the school counselor or even a teacher. Someone has to know about this behavior.

I too had friends like these and it's hard to see your friends out there like that but you have to decide if those are the kind of people or behaviors that you want to be associated with.

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I wish you the best of luck with this, and I hope you find a solution. Speak to counselors, therapists, outreach centers, anyone who will listen and guide you. Read up on substance abuse and try to see if reading materials can help you cope with this. It does affect you even if you aren't doing drugs and drinking.

I am going through this right now, and it stinks...you are not alone!

i'm here for you if you want to PM me and talk.....

[thrillme]

I was in your shoes when I was 18/19. My best friend in high school started hanging with the PARTY crowd. She was going down a path that just wasn't good. I refused to go down with her. Eventually she had the "nerve" on New Years Eve to come over to another mutual friends house stoned and drunk (fortunately someone else was driving and she lived about a block over)...to tell me that she didn't want to be friends anymore because she was going down a different path and I was in so many words...boring. It was her "New Years Resolution"... Well my response to her was "I love her very much and I always will...the path she was taking was not a good one and I hoped she would figure that out before it was too late". (We tried to drive her home but you can guess how that went). The next day I called her to make sure she made it home OK and I told her she didn't have to be my friend if she didn't want to but I'd be there if she wanted to come back.

In the meantime I continued on with school, joined clubs in college, made new friends, got a GREAT job, an apartment etc. Basically I had a BLAST with my life without drugs or over indulging with alcohol.

I did go to clubs sometimes with new friends but we "danced" our shoes down, we went to the coast to and had fun fishing, golfing and racing remote control cars. Sure I made a few mistakes too, we all have, but I learned not to make them again.

Eventually after a very feverish several nights of partying she looked in the mirror and saw how OLD she suddenly looked. None of her "friends" were there for her and the new ones really didn't care. Something snapped and she fortunately came around. And totally cleaned up her act. She called and said she missed me terribly. Till this day she TOTALLY regrets her actions...but she is a BEAUTIFUL person, much wiser and a phenomonal mother.

You cannot control the life of another person. I've had other friends dropped off at rehab and it didn't do any "permanet" good. Sure they came out "all better" for a few months then they went down again. People are responsible for themselves. Until they "ADMIT" to a problem NOTHING you can do will fix it. The best thing you can do for them is to stand firm. Be an example of showing that there are wonderful things out there that don't include "partying" like they're doing. Yes rehab works for some...but quite truly only those who WANT to make the change will be successful. "Early" intervention works the best.

Get involved with a club that interests you and meet some new POSITIVE people. Biking clubs are WONDERFUL. Once this friend cleaned up her act and got her lease on life again...she ended up meeting her WONDERFUL husband in one.

Right now it's a rather lonely, "helpless", frustrating feeling and it really and truly STINKS. It does get better if you stay TRUE to YOUR own path.

[jillluvsdisney]

People who have your best intrests in mind are your true friends. Surround yourself with those type of people. I read that in a Bill O'Reilly book once. I don't agree with many things about him but I was struck by that very good piece of advice.

Thrillme, your post was wonderful. Forgiveness is where it's at. Letting go of grudges releases us from a lot of pain.

[Marker]

Frankly, at this point, I wouldn't worry about what they want you to do. They're judgement is definitely out of whack, and not in line with yours. Of course they want you to go along with them, as long a you remain on the side of reason, you are a reminder that they're messing up. Of course they know it, but they don't want you reminding them.

Personally, I wouldn't just say know, I'd distance myself from them. Not turn your back on them, but let them know that as long as they choose to behave like this, you don't want to be around them. Heaven forbit you "reluctantly" go along then next time they crash, are perhaps aren't so lucky.

It's not easy holding your ground. but you know it's the right thing to do. And, perhaps it will ultimately bring them back to reality.

I'd like to suggest that you somehow inform their parents, but that may not be very realistic. If that can't be done, you still have to at least watch out for yourself. Don't allow yourself to be sucked in to their misguided world.

Stick to who you are, Stick to what you know is right. If you can somehow offer help, be there for them, but there's no way you can help if allow yourself to be swayed to their ways.

Good Luck.

[diz_girl]

I totally agree with Angel (Here We Go Again...). Don't get in a car with them and don't let them in your car. Frequently "friends" will toss their drugs under the car seat when a police car pulls them over, then the police find the drugs, and the driver gets arrested because the drugs were found on their property. If that were to happen to you, don't be surprised if your friends don't own up to it. That has happened to at least one person I know. It may hurt that they may reject you because you aren't going along with them, but they could hurt you in more ways than one if you stick around with them. Most people lose touch with their high school friends once they go off to college, so your experience may be more of a severing of ties rather than just drifting apart.

You may want to talk to your parents to get their advice, if you want to talk to an authority figure. They will probably tell you to stay away from them, but you were starting to do that yourself anyway. They'll probably notice that you aren't hanging around with them any more and ask you about it - and they'll probably be proud of you that you didn't join your friends.

Good luck.

[pink]

My parents do know exactly what is going on. They understand that I've always been responsible so they don't mind when I'm going to see them because they've learned that I make the right decisions. However, when I do hang out with them I get scared of driving with them because they're reckless and If I drive I'm afraid of them leaving drugs and cans in my car because they've done to other friends before.

As for there parents, one of my friends only lives with her mother and she is never home. One time she left beer in her garage and all the mother said to her was "you shouldn't drink those because it will make you fat." My other friends parents I believe they know what is going on but they just don't want to believe it like someone else said.

I recently called one of the girls I was the closest to and told her that I care about them but that I just don't have anything in common with them anymore and I don't want to hang out with them when they're doing those things. She agreed and seemed sincere and the other night she invited me to her house for "girls night" but the whole time she seemed bored.
She is also trying to act like she has cleaned up her act but when I talk to her brothers and other friends they tell me that she is still doing drugs. Like someone else said, I think she is trying to act like she's ok around me because I try to be realistic with her and she just doesn't want to hear it.

Another thing, I'm no longer in high school. All of are in college locally but are enrolled in different schools so talking to a guidance counselor is out of the question.

I think I'm just going to have to wait it out. It's a terrible feeling being ripped away from my friends but I've done my best trying to make new ones in college and such. Thank you for all of your advice it's comforting to know that I'm normal and doing the right thing under pressure. I really do appreciate all of your kind words. :mickey: