Mean girls -- VENT

[Aurora]

I'm just writing this to vent -- my 11-year-old DD from preschool to 5th grade was best friends with this girl (I'll call her M), plus they had a few other mutual friends. M's mom was also my best friend -- we were like family. Last year my daughter began playing with another girl who had almost no friends. Her "best" friends accused her of dumping them and started to give her the cold shoulder.

This year it's been worse -- M's mom has told me basically to stop inviting her daughter over because I'm trying too hard, and if I want us to continue our friendship, we should leave the kids out of it. I'm sure we have absolutely no friendship left, because she never calls anymore (she used to call 2-3 times a week before the fallout). Also she's one of those moms who is always hovering around the school and getting the gossip on people, so there are no secrets from her.

My DD seems to be fine, other than getting angry at her old friends for icing her out (the "other" girl's friends have accepted her as a friend too, but when they're not around my DD is open season.)

It's probably harder on me than her because her old friends' moms were my friends, but not so much anymore. That's because whenever the topic would come up with other moms it was always my daughter's fault because she picked a new friend.

The other moms also feel free to tell me when my DD has said something wrong, but I've been around enough to know there's always two sides to every story, but everything their daughters tell them tends to be gospel to them.

I know my DD has a long road ahead, but it's making me feel better just to write this.

[tinksmom02]

Ick. So sorry you and DD are going through this! The moms are being just as immature as the girls.
Sounds like you're both really strong and will pull through it. Glad you have somewhere to go to vent!
NOT looking forward to when Jenna becomes a "tween."

[GoinGoofyPlanninThisTrip]

NOT looking forward to when Jenna becomes a "tween."This started in our daughter's school when she was in second grade. You don't even get to wait 'til the tween years anymore. :ill:

[Terra]

I'm so sorry about the friendship and what you and your daughter are going through...

It just amazes me that grown women [parents at that!] act this way!! Makes me wonder why they are even parents sometimes sadly....

I hope things settle down soon!

[poeticeclipse]

I'm really sorry for you and DD. I went through this big time around DD's age and up through junior high.

Sadly, there is no cure for the mean girl blues. My ownly solution would be that she make NEW friends that accept her for her. Maybe the other girls will come crawling back when they realize that DD does not need them. Maybe get her into an activity that she is interested in.

I had a best friend since first grade and we did everything together up through junior high. In 7th grade things got sticky and she began to get upset if I talked to another person. I became very blunt with her about my feelings and that only fueled the fire more. She was much more immature when it came to handling her emotions. She would just laugh when I told her how I felt. I cut my losses by the end of 8th grade. I didn't need someone who treated me so poorly. I lost other friends because of it but I slowly realized that there are other people in the world.

Again, I wish you and DD the best with this awful situation.

[DizneyRox]

Women, for the most part are catty. It starts young too. I'm sure this won't go over too well, but it has been my experience.

Did you see her hair? OMG! Did you see how much weight she gained? Those shoes were so not cute! etc, etc, etc...

[Belle619]

I'm so sorry that you and your 11 year old DD had to deal with this.

I agree with the other post, M's mother seems very imature and perhaps it is for the best that your daughter isn't going to be around this woman anymore. If someone can get so upset over a child making another friend, then she obviously doesn't have her priorities straight and you don't want your DD to think of her as a role model.

[jillluvsdisney]

Nice mothers. Seems like the apple isn't falling far from the tree. Now that you have had a chance to see this side of these woman, would you really want to continue a friendship? I'm sorry for your daughter but good for her that she has a mind of her own about who she chooses to befriend.

[Sean Riley Taylor's Mom]

My friend and I were just talking about a very similar problem her little girl is having right now.

She is only in 2nd grade!! :(

My sons are 10 and 8 and have never had more then a minor issue with friends in school. They are well liked and make friends easily.

But, it is my DD I am already nervous about and she is only 4. Like another poster said, girls and women can be so catty. I remember similar issues when I was in school.

Sorry you and your DD are going through this.

[Aurora]

Thanks for your kind words. It is so hard for me because my whole social network (the people you really lean on) are pretty much gone, and it's like a whole new start. It's nice to have a place like this to come where you can get support.

[KAT1811]

I know exactly how you feel. We have been dealing with a problem child (we'll refer to her as PC) that used to be my DDs best friend for almost a year now. I feel your helplessness. Just to let you in on a bit of the specifics (this is going to be long winded sorry) :blush::

DH and I decided to purchase a new home a couple of years ago. With our growing family we needed something much larger and we also longed for a neighborhood. I now realize the "neighborhood" we were looking for probably no longer exists except in rare findings. We ended up falling in love with a beautiful new home in one of the most prestigous neighborhoods in the city. We actually made the final offer while in line for the Backlot Studios tour in MGM. We were SO excited our new neighbors had 3 girls the youngest of which was in the same grade as our oldest (10 months younger).

The kids and us hit it off right from the start. We became very close and they were even supposed to take our last WDW trip with us. We are a very social family (playdates and sleepover are a regular happening) and they are more to themselves (nothing wrong with that) their DD had their first ever sleep over at our house (granted we live RIGHT next door) and the girls became best friends fast. (our DD finished the school year out at her old school and was set to sart the new year in the new school) At one point in the summer PC's mother mentioned to me that PC was afraid that our DD was going to make new friends when school started. (At the time I didn't think much of it but now that I think of it PC never played with anyone but our DD and her friends, I always make sure DD includes everyone in play, no one needs to be left out) "of course" I told her but I assured her that our DD and PC would always have a special firendship (or so I thought)

When school started our DD began to make new friends and PC started her antics [okay, not starting, she had always had a "dark side" as her mother jokingly calls it. I just prefer to teach my DD to "rise above" and "walk away" DH always had reservations about PC.] The problem escalated until February school vacation when DD came home from school in tears saying that she needed my help bacause she couldn't take it any more. (I had tried to follow the cardnial rule of parenting and not get involved and help her from behind the scenes, teaching her to walk away and notify the teacher if she cannot handle the situation. BTW that rule is ridiculous!!!) Finally with DD sobbing beside me I finally called my "friend" to see if we could resolve the situation. After I said that DDD was very upset and crying she immediatly (I hadn't even told her why) she said (these word I will never forget) "I don't knwo what you want me to do, it's not only my daughter", "I don't even know what's going on" not only do those two comments completly contradict themselves she is the neighborhood busy body (my neighborhood is akin to Whisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives, complete with the nannies, plastic surgery, cheating spouses, you name it. DH and I love our home but hate this neighborhood.) Keep in mind that our DD was new to the school and her DD had been attending this school for a few years. Well, needless to say I didn't get very far. Things continued to esclalate, a couple girls stuck up for my DD and ended up becoming targets themselves. The school depatment could not help me with out "concrete proof", not sure what they needed, PC had a history of this type of behavior (they had already threatened to report her to the school board until her mother called screaming "how dare" they), the teacher (a 22 y.o. long term sub, vying for a permanent spot) was very aware of the situation (she spoke regularly to those responsible outside the classroom), another child wrote a note to the school's guidance counselor detailing the problem and those responsible, you name it they had it. For some reason this area rules the school, not the administrators.

We thought this year would be a new year. They were in different classes, how bad could it be? Well DD started crying every night and morning begging not to go to school (she used to love school, honor roll every quarter and a member of the gifted program), then she started making herself sick (constantly complaining of stomach aches and headaches). Finally I had it. DH and I wrote to the school board and requested permission to move DD back to her old school (the next district over). Thank heavens they granted the move (although they decided that they were not going to label it "bullying" but an adjustment problem). Now she is back in her old school happy as a clam and as far as DH and I care concerned we don't have neighbors (we bought the lot on the other side of our home) and we put trees up along our property line on the other.

If I have any advice for you, mother to mother, stay involved, don't be afraid to stick up for your DD. That other woman is no friend of yours and you are better off without her. I'm at the point in my life that I want true friends not people like that. Unfortunatly so many parents today do not teach their children right from wrong and even more do not invoke punishments when their children hurt others, their are no consequences. My mother always explains this by saying that it is a lot harder to be a good mother than a bad one.

Good luck to you and your DD!!!

[princessjojo]

Though I have 2 boys, DS has a girl, "Katie", at his school who is doing these type of catty things to him, with hopes of coming between DS & his best friend "Jonny"(her "boyfriend"). To be 7th graders, these girls are mean and rule with an iron fist. Katie tells Jonny who she wants him to be friends with(if he spends any amount of time away from her with someone, they can't be his friend), where he is allowed to go(can't go to dinner & movie with us because she won't be there) & who he can talk on the phone with. AND JONNY LETS HER!!! All the while, my DS is sitting back shaking his head. Hopefully he's just young and caught up in I've got my first girlfriend thing. But she, the girlfriend, tells my son that Jonny really isn't his friend, that her brother is his best friend now. She's evil in a tiny 4'5" body. I just tell him to sit back and watch. One day hopefully, Jonny will get tired of the tyrant and come around. All along, right now, my DS could care less if he had a girlfriend (ugh), and just wants his friend back.

Sadly Katie's mom is the same way & "instructs" her how to behave. BTW, after seeing her, I personally, am glad I don't have girls. Especially after seeing how many of them act now. And maybe this is just because I have boys, but a girls life is just what was described by a previous poster, catty. Boys are so low maintenance...

Congratulations to all you moms of girl who have taught your girls how to be responsible caring people. My heart goes out to those whose girls & boys are the prey of the mean girls. The teen years are an evil time. I'll be glad when it's over, I think.