Explaining 9/11 to kids

[meldan98]

My dd is only 3 and doesn't know anything about 9/11 yet. However, I am very cautious of keeping the TV off so that she doesn't see or hear anything about it. Are there any teachers or other child specialists out there have advise for parents on this? Also, how is 9/11 delt with at schools? Do they talk about it? I'm really at a loss on how to deal with this as she gets older. As she gets closer to starting school, I'm really worried about how and what she is going to learn about 9/11.

[BronxTigger]

I teach first grade and we were instructed to talk to the children about what happened. We also did a school wide moment of silence (over the PA system).

What I did was ask them an open-ended question about what they had heard about 9/11, if they knew what had happened, or seen anything on the news. Some of the children knew about the firefighters who were killed a few weeks ago in the Deutsche Bank Building fire near Ground Zero. Some of the children are also familiar with that part of Manhattan, so I tied that into telling them the basics of what happened. I tell them the truth because they need to be aware of history, but I am not graphic about it and I don't show any real photographs. I sense the maturity of the group on exactly how much to tell them. I end the discussion by telling them that if they want to know more, they need to ask their parents because I don't want to share too much with them at age 6. They will hear more details as they get older and are better able to grasp the severity of that day.

Some of the students made comments about how their cat died or they had a fire in their building, so they were making some connections to their lives. The class I have this year is a bit (a lot) more innocent than last year's class. My class last year thought it was all a big joke and they were laughing and making fun of it and making plane and explosion sounds so I took their discussion a step further and said something like "What if your mom went to work and didn't come home because of that?" I had to take that step with that class for them to realize it wasn't funny, but I didn't dream of saying that to the group I have this year.

Two good children's books you can use (they have illustrations but no photographs) to discuss this are:
September 12 We Knew Everything Would Be Alright, and Fireboat. I don't remember the authors right now (the books are in my classroom). Preview them yourself to decide if you want to share them with your child.

[mickey&missy]

My DD is 6 1/2, she was just 6 months old 9/11/01. My DS will be 5 in November.

DD has been asking a lot of questions this year. I explained to her that here in America we are free to worship whatever god we want, whatever religion we want. That we are free to most anything. We are allowed to say what we want, feel what we want, and do the things we please, so long as they are things aren't bad and break laws. I told her that there are a lot of places in the world that people have the freedoms we have and that makes some of those people anger sometimes and sometimes they don't like us for it. Then I told her that some very anger men wanted to hurt us for our freedom so they did those very bad things that we see on tv. She asked about people dying so I told her that a lot of people died that day and it was, and still is, very sad. I told her we should pray for the people who died that day and enjoy our freedoms that much more and be proud of who we are.

I'm not sure if she grasped all of it. I'm sure more questions will arise as she gets older.

DS asked why the city was on fire. He was content with an answer of some very bad men flew planes into the buildings.

HTH. Its such a terrible thing to have to address with a little one.

[ElenitaB]

Bethany, those are both great books for kids about 9/11! Too bad they're trying the actual boat doesn't have enough funding to continue operating.

My DS was in first grade when this happened. In fact, it was the first week of school and we weren't allowed to go pick them up until the NYC Board of Ed gave the okay. His public school was in the path of the smoke... the kids knew something terrible was happening and were all very traumatized by it (well, the kids whose parents weren't celebrating :mad: ). Many of us lost family and friends, and some children at his school lost parents. They ended up bringing in specialists to work with them, learned deep breathing techniques to help calm their nerves, etc. It was not until last year that he began to process that this was no accident... so many of them at that age could not wrap their minds around the fact that someone would want to kill innocent people like that on purpose. :(

[mttafire]

My DD is 6 1/2, she was just 6 months old 9/11/01. My DS will be 5 in November.

DD has been asking a lot of questions this year. I explained to her that here in America we are free to worship whatever god we want, whatever religion we want. That we are free to most anything. We are allowed to say what we want, feel what we want, and do the things we please, so long as they are things aren't bad and break laws. I told her that there are a lot of places in the world that people have the freedoms we have and that makes some of those people anger sometimes and sometimes they don't like us for it. Then I told her that some very anger men wanted to hurt us for our freedom so they did those very bad things that we see on tv. She asked about people dying so I told her that a lot of people died that day and it was, and still is, very sad. I told her we should pray for the people who died that day and enjoy our freedoms that much more and be proud of who we are.

I'm not sure if she grasped all of it. I'm sure more questions will arise as she gets older.

DS asked why the city was on fire. He was content with an answer of some very bad men flew planes into the buildings.

HTH. Its such a terrible thing to have to address with a little one.

You did well.:thumbsup: I only hope that when my children are old enough i can explain without the extreme anger i have for those who did it and those who support who did it. After reading your post i thought...Well done!

[MsMin]

BronxTigger is right about the open ended questions. Especially with the younger ones. What an open question does is teaches you what your child has heard or has seen. It gives you the opportunity to explore any misbeliefs and fears. It keeps it age appropriate.
You do want to explore a child's feelings b/c they can create a story or fear in their own mind that can be far worse. A child may fear that it will happen at your work tomorrow or their school or that it happens everyday etc. My greatest concern would be the fear and anxiety that could be elicited. You have plenty of time. It's not so much what you say but how you say it. Mickey&Missy put it very nicely and age appropriate but remember you have to explore your own child's beliefs and that can change from child to child.
If a child had a lot of exposure from the media and or friends or school look for behavior changes especially with sleep patterns or bed wetting.
Books do help make it appropriate for a child. It's not so much what you say but how your child adapts and to keep the anxiety at a minimum. Prolonged exposure to anxiety develops a lifelong pattern. :flag:

[Ian]

Honestly, my personal opinion is that there's too much of a rush to expose young kids to this kind of stuff these days. I'm not sure why people and so-called "experts" feel it necessary to rush our kids into adulthood so fast.

My DD is 5 and 1/2 and she knows nothing about 9/11. At this point, I don't want her to know anything about 9/11. She doesn't need to be worried about that stuff at her age. She's got plenty of adulthood ahead of her to deal with such heavy issues. I'm gonna let her be an innocent and sometimes naiive child as long as she possibly can.

[conorsmom2000]

I'll be honest - Conor was 18 months old when it happened, so of course he doesn't remember it, and I thought I'd have some time before the really tough questions came. But, I was wrong!

I don't think the school touched on it much for the Kindergarteners, but in 1st Grade, it was dealt with. We have a tree and a plaque on the front lawn of the school dedicated to those that died on 9/11 - I know last year all the kids came outside and each class put a flag out by the tree and they had some sort of ceremony. Then the teachers discussed 9/11 with the kids and each child in the school colored a flag in and listed 3 good deeds that they could do - then the flags were hung on the board in our All Purpose Room. While I think it was handled well, Conor did come home a bit scared and we did talk about it. And, I guess because we're so close to where it happend and it affected so many people, we've talked about it many times since that time.

This year they did not do the ceremony, but each class discussed it and I know that Conor's class read Fireboat. Conor told me that his teacher asked if anyone knew what happened that day and Conor said he did, so he got up in front of the class and told them about it. I was pretty surprised by that. But, as with every year, when he got home, the questions came and each year they get harder. This year he said "Mom, the bad men who took over the planes knew they were going to die, right?" - and it wasn't a question where a simple "yes" was going to suffice. Once I answered that, he wanted to know why someone would be willing to do that. He also asked things like "Did all the people who died that day go to Heaven?" and "Were they hero's?", which were much easier to answer. He's just at an age now where he's starting to understand the events of that day better, but like the rest of us, he doesn't understand why.

I try to answer Conor as honestly as I can, but what's hard for him, and me, is that I still tend to get choked up when I talk about 9/11 - and that actually freaks him out more than what we are talking about. He doesn't like seeing me get upset and I don't want him to feel that he can't ask me questions - but it is hard to keep my emotions in check. So, I just tell him that it was a very sad day and that we all still feel sad for all the people that died that day and it's okay to cry for them.

[Ian]

Jen, I gotta be honest here ... I'd be really angry if I found out that DD's school was talking to her about 9/11 at her age.

It's one thing to discuss that with junior high or high schoolers in a historical context, but I have no clue why elementary school teachers would want to terrify these poor kids for no valid reason.

You can bet DD's school would have gotten a very angry phone call from this Dad if I found out they had pulled this same thing.

[conorsmom2000]

Jen, I gotta be honest here ... I'd be really angry if I found out that DD's school was talking to her about 9/11 at her age.

To be honest, at first I was angry - well, I don't know if angry is the right word, but I was really upset. I felt it was my place to decide when and where my son should learn about it. And I wasn't ready for him learn about it at age 6.

But, I also realized that as hard as I tried, it's nearly impossible to shield him from it. With it having affected so many people we know, especially in our town, he does hear people discussing it. Plus, with Conor specifically, it's hard when you have a kid who can read so well - we didn't realize how well he could read until we found him, at age 5, crying, because he'd read something in the paper about Hurricane Katrina - it never occurred to me that we needed to keep the papers away from him at that age.

So, it's all around and he can see it/read about it - The pond/park in town has plaques dedicated to the men in town who died that day, even the local diner in town has the towers etched on the glass with the words "Never Forget" underneath it, which always made Conor ask "Never forget what...?"

So, while there's a lot I'm probably not ready for him to learn about, I do feel better knowing that it was handled in an age appropriate way. The school felt that regardless of what parents might think, the kids probably already had been exposed to information about 9/11 somehow, some way and were more aware of it than we knew. And it's true - most of Conor's first grade class did know something about that day. And I think the goal was to at least discuss it in a safe, secure environment in a manner that wouldn't scare them.

And, once the information was out there, then it was up to Mike and I to talk to him about it, on our terms and with what we felt comfortable with. Conor was able to get up and talk about it this year because he got what little he knew from us - I'd rather that than through older kids at school, or boy scouts, etc.

So, it was a tough one. Was I happy that he learned about this in first grade? No. But, in all honesty, he probably already had questions about it, and it was handled well.

[PirateLover]

Jen, I gotta be honest here ... I'd be really angry if I found out that DD's school was talking to her about 9/11 at her age.


I can understand where you're coming from. Of course you want to shield your child and keep their innocence for as long as possible. At the same time, I don't have as much of a problem as you do with elementary schools addressing 9/11, especially in areas like North Jersey and New York where it is probably close to impossible to escape it.

I remember as a child watching clips on the news about the Gulf War on tv. I was in 1st grade then. I had a lot of questions for my dad. I was a little scared that someone might come over here and start a war, but my dad was someone who always answered my questions and made sure I was politically aware. Of course 9/11 is a much more terrifying event, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to introduce it to students in a careful way.

[Ian]

I felt it was my place to decide when and where my son should learn about it. And I wasn't ready for him learn about it at age 6.That's exactly the way I feel about it.

I suppose if I were a little closer to NYC and if my community had been more affected by 9/11 in a direct sense I might feel differently.

[DisneyDog]

I wouldn't be upset if my DS's school taught him about 9/11. He just turned 5 on 9/3. On 9/11 we were listening to news radio in the morning at breakfast, as we always do. We discuss what we hear on the news, as he often asks questions. I don't keep anything from him. I always answer his questions about anything to the best of my ability. As a librarian, I am in the "business" of providing information to anyone that needs it, and I believe my child is better off learning everything he possibly can, no matter what his age. It's all a matter of how it's explained.

[meldan98]

I guess that's part of my concern, my dd will start school in a couple of years, and want my dd to hear about it from me first. I guess, once she starts school, I'll find out from the teacher how it's handled.

Thank you for the suggestions on the books, those will come in handy when the time is right. I hope that I don't have to explain this to her for several years, but I want to be prepared, just in case.