Need Advice *Updated 11/12/07*

[ShelbyAD]

My 14 yr old step-daughter has made a massive change in her eating habits. She is eating maybe 1/4 of what she use to. EVERY day after dinner she either goes outside and jump ropes for 30-45 minutes or spends 45-60 on a Stair Master.

For example: Her turkey sandwiches use to consist of 4-5 pieces of turkey, 2 slices of cheese, alot of Mayo. Now her sandwiches have 1 piece of turkey, no cheese, just a dab of Mayo and a piece of lettuce. Now I'm all for eating healthy, but the amount of food she eats would starve a baby. One dinner she had 1/4 (if that) of a chicken breast, about 1 inch round of rice and that's it. This can't be normal portions for a growing teenage girl.

She use to be the first to finish her meals, now she is the last one to finish. She is eating slow.

Mind you she is NOT over weight in any way. She is 5'2" and weighs 96 pounds. She had gotten on a scale and I saw what she weighs (she does not know I saw - I was on the phone so she thought I was not looking). Apparently she thinks she's fat.

We had the girls all last week. She would not bring her bathing suit because she thinks she's fat. I'm sorry, but at 5'2" she should weigh around 105-110. If anything she is underweight.

Need advice on how to handle this. If I try to talk to her about it or let her know I know what she is doing, she turns away.

She is also in a bad mood 24/7. She is maybe in a good mood for 30 minutes a day. Is this just normal teenage "stuff" or is there something else going on? She won't talk to anyone, so we can't find out what is going on in her head. If you do try to talk to her, she tells you to mind your own business or "it's nothing, I'm fine" answers.

[SBETigg]

I know nothing about this, but it sounds like an eating disorder. I would do some research on eating disorders and definitely seek her doctor's advice. How fortunate for her that she has you looking out for her. The bad mood could come from not eating enough, maybe? Best wishes with it. I hope she gets healthy.

[DisneyDudet]

I don't like to say, but this sounds like the startings of an eating disorder. I don't want to send you into a panic, but I think that if these behaviors continue, that it may become that way.

Most of the time, acts like these are result of a control issue. It may be that something in her life is out of control (school, friends, hate to say family, etc) and this is her attempt to control it. Treating these thoughts are very shaky, as this can just keep them going in the wrong direction.

I am in no place to give you any assistance, as it requires a professional, and I'm nowhere near an expert.

My first thought would be to call her Dr and possibly go see him/her on your own to discuss what you've observed and get some advice on how to talk to her and help her with this.

Also, school is starting soon, so this may get worse. You can always take her for a physical before school so that the dr can just get the idea as well (in my opinion, all children should see the dr once a year for a well child check up and physical). Also, telling her you're concerned about her health and not about controlling her could be a start. Say some of the things you've said here, you know, about eating healthy and exercise can be a good thing. One thing to understand, is those with thought processes like this, their view of themselves is truly distorted. They do not see what that world sees. There is a fine line as to what is helpful and what isn't to those who view themselves like this.

Also, at this age, I never told my mom anything or talked to her. I would say its "normal" for teenagers to not talk to their parents, unless they are EXTREMELY close. I have no doubt that you must feel defeated that she won't let you help, but that's part of the thinking. She's afraid of control. Her eating that little is her attempt to control the world around her.

I'm hoping others can come alone with more expertise than I have. Pixie dust and my thoughts are with you and your daughter. I would love to hope that this is just a phase, but I would be on the safe side.

Keep us updated.

[crazypoohbear]

Although it is easy to assume that she has an eating disorder before you say anything to her about it I think you should talk to her mom (if that's possible, depending on your relationship with her)
Find out if there is a boy involved (at 14 she might like someone and is trying to get noticed)
What is going on with her girl friends? are they dieting, exercising, dating. etc.
If they have changed their habits she might be trying to fit in.
Has someone in the house/family been name calling, teasing. This can have devastating affects on a teenage girl.
If her mood changes are new then there is something going on.
YES teens are very moody but if it's something new find out what's happening in her life.

IF money allows perhaps you could take her to lunch and clothes shopping for an afternoon, maybe she will open up to you.
But don't jump right to eating disorder/psychiatrist. If she is having other issues going on this will just make her feel worse.
Keep an eye on her, and wait, not too long but sometimes this is just a phase that doesn't' last very long.
But be vigilant in keeping a close eye on her, just not intrusive. IF that makes sense!

[Strmchsr]

My DW was suffering from anorexia when we first started dating. Fortunately, she overcame that and now is a counselor helping treat others with similar issues. A lot of the actions you describe are certainly red flags. However, you have to treat this very carefully. Rushing her to a doctor or psychiatrist is not necessarily the right thing to do. As a pastor I've learned to be very careful with referrals because you need to know what's really going on in order to find the right person to refer to. Otherwise you end up hopping from person to person and never getting the help you need. If you wish, PM or email me. I will be glad to connect you with my wife who can give you a professional opinion on your next steps and if you have reason for concern.

[ShelbyAD]

Thank you all for the great advice. Last week DH & I were on vacation. He is currently working on redoing my bathroom. He has been asking the 14 yr old to help. She is happy to help and does.

We took them (another step-daughter 12 [her sister])bowling. She was in a grumpy mood the whole time. Even when she got a strike.

Her sister does tease her alot. I did make a comment to the 14 yr old. I told her that I noticed that she is not eating as much. I told her that she is by no means fat and don't believe anyone who tells her that she is. Her sister tells her she's fat. I will have a talk with her sister and tell her to stop. When I was talking to her, we were driving and she just looked out the window. When we got to where we were going, she opened the door so fast to get out. Normally she just sits there for about 30 seconds then gets out.

Her sister is 5 feet and weighs 90 pounds. Most of which is muscle. She is a Black Belt in Karate. The 14 yr old is not into sports at all. DH thinks that the 14 yr old is trying to be as skinny as her sister. This may be true. If it is, I will talk to her.

Her mother is aware (which is a good thing) of her "condition" and will monitor her. Hopefully she can talk to her or even her step-father.

I agree that there is something definately going on. She is just like her mother (per DH) that they keep their feelings bottled up and don't talk to anyone about them.

I took both of them to the Flea Market on Saturday. She had a good time there. She even said she wants to go back and will bring money with her.

I have also noticed that she hates being inside any building. She wants to be outside ALL the time. Nothing really wrong with that, but she never use to be like that. She hated being outside. She also thinks that if the temp is under 90 degrees it's "comfortable" and she doesn't get hot. 90 & over, then she thinks it's hot. Is that normal?

[BelleBeauty]

My sister was bulimic (and during one period anorexic) for about four years in her early teens. I certainly think that from what you are describing there are a lot of red flags and you should seek professional assistance.

I think that you should talk with all the adults in her life about the problem, and her doctor or other specialists on what you can do. However, you have to be very careful about how you approach her. I don't think it is a very good idea to bring her to her doctor or a therapist right away. An eating disorder is an addiction, and like many addictions, even with the best intentions - she can't get better until she decides to get better. Fighting about it will only distance her from you more.

It may be triggered by lots of things. 14 is tough age, your body is changing and you start to notice you have to eat right and exercise. Plus boys start to enter the picture, etc. I would try to do more things with her - go out to lunch, take her shopping, etc. Without bringing up the eating issues, just try to develop a closer relationship with her. This may eventually help her open up to you or feel more in control with her life and stop on her own.

However, you should talk with her doctor and see what a dangerous weight for someone her age/height would be. If you see her dip near that weight, she needs assistance right away. On the more serious side - there are treatment centers and programs to help. Unfortunately, like I said, someone needs to decide on their own to get better.

It is a very shameful thing for someone to hide, and fighting about it will only make it worse. I would suggest being as supportive of her good habits as possible. This may just be a phase and not a serious problem at all. You just have to watch out a be careful. My sister was able to go into a treatment program, she spent several years with a therapist and is now completely past her disorder. Good luck and keep us posted!

[MsMin]

I will try to explain a few things but it's hard by text. First yes, you don't want to make a big deal out of her "dieting" The problem that you run into is that Anorexia is "cool" and can become part of her identity. You want to avoid having her pick up that label esp at this age. The younger a child develops the disorder the worse the prognosis.
A couple more points I think you need to be aware of is that a father has a lot of influence w/ the young girls self esteem. He has a greater effect than the mother so his role is important. She values what he says about her developing body. Another point is when should I seek help? Unfortunately this is not a disorder that many physicians study so it is quite possible to go to a pediatrician and have them tell you everything is fine. Remember that the M.D. or psychiatrist handles the medical aspects and the psychologist deals with the behavioral aspect and much of this is behavior that needs to be modified.
I get very upset when sites offer info that can be harmful to young girls, sites that scare them into poor eating. I hesitate to post too much info so if you want to know how to determine when the situation is dire or needs medical intervention then PM me and I'll show you how to calculate the numbers.
Continue to encourage her to eat healthy, talk about well balanced diet and it could be in the form of proper nutrition. Try to add in things like milkshakes or ice cream, make sure she eats enough meat(restricting and vegan is very high risk for damaging the developing body). Right now about 25% of our female population is at risk for an eating disorder or have one at a sub- clinical level.
I have to applaud companies like dove who now use "natural shapes" in their commercials as not to give our young girls a false notion as to how an average body looks.
Another thing too is I suspect that that irritability is a mild depression. Lack of food can cause depression. It doesn't surprise me that she's grouchy.
Feel free to PM w/ any other questions.
:pixie:

[ShelbyAD]

Try to add in things like milkshakes or ice cream

She did have one scoop of ice cream with rainbow shots one night, but did not want to have a shake another night.

Yesterday morning she had 1 piece (1 slice of bread) of French Toast and 1 hash brown (made at home). That was it. That b'fast when we do have it, she would have eaten 2 slices of Fr. Toast, 2 slices of bacon and a hashbrown, then ask if there was more.

Another morning she had 2 bowls of cereal. I didn't really see how much cereal she put in the bowl - so the 2 could have equalled 1 "normal" size bowl. It was Capt'n Crunch - Crunch Berry.

She will either drink Diet Lemonade or Water. She does have milk with b'fast. But for lunch & dinner all last week, was water.


A couple more points I think you need to be aware of is that a father has a lot of influence w/ the young girls self esteem Since she only sees her father every other weekend, I don't think he has a real impact on how she sees herself. She barely listens to what he says half the time. I don't think she takes him seriously. Since they are pretty well behaved (nothing that would warrant punishment) when we have them, there is no need to yell, punish, etc. He does say something when she tells me to "SHUT UP!" He gets mad at her when she does that.

This is really hard on DH & I since we do only see them every other weekend. Her mother & step-father see her every day. We will just have to keep "tabs" on her with them. We will not have the girls again until August 10th - 12th. We'll have to see what she is doing by then.

[MsMin]

Since she only sees her father every other weekend, I don't think he has a real impact on how she sees herself. She barely listens to what he says half the time. I don't think she takes him seriously. Since they are pretty well behaved (nothing that would warrant punishment) when we have them, there is no need to yell, punish, etc. He does say something when she tells me to "SHUT UP!" He gets mad at her when she does that.

I'm sure the step father could have some influence but by impact I mean that he should make an effort to tell her she is pretty, something to build her confidence. Young girls need to hear that they are attractive and they believe a male more than a female. It could be you have beautiful eyes or hair something that makes her feel special especially to her dad. ED (eating disorders) is mostly a female's self image and you can help her by boosting that image that she has of herself.
You can have rules on eating a minimum when at your house but you run the risk of pushing them into bulimia when you do that. It's okay to have diet drinks b/c she needs to feel like she is in control of her body, just encourage a balanced meal and try to slip in the higher calorie more tempting items.
Adolescence is an age when a teen is seeking their own identity and it's a normal part of development, breaking away from the parents rules and trying their own ideas is normal and most times healthy. It's a very delicate balance between wanting to force a child to eat right (I use that term loosely b/c to a teen making rules about eating is forcing ;)) and letting them have free reign and damage their health while doing it. Sometimes it helps when we can act dumb (we are supposed to be based on the perception of many teens).
Here is a link to calculate her body mass. When using a calculator make sure it's one that is age and sex appropriate. I would suggest seeing a doctor if her BMI falls to 14 or lower based on an adolescent scale. Someone may want to talk to her about a maturing female body too. A female gains weight in order to ovulate and develop properly. Talking to her about these changes helps an adolescent understand that the "twig" figure is not ideal or healthy. Again, a father saying a young woman should have curves is more convincing than a mother or step-mother.
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/dnpabmi/Calculator.aspx

[ShelbyAD]

Last week my 14 yr old step-daughter called asking if she could spend a couple of days with us before she started school. She wanted to get away from her sister. She came over.

Last weekend, she still did not eat much, but she did NOT jump rope after dinner. Maybe because it's been between 102-107 all week. She was in a little bit of a better mood, but barely enough to notice.

Maybe now that school has started her moods will change to a better one.

I had asked her if she was nervous about starting high school. She said no, that she was looking forward to it. She said she had a really boring summer and going to school was better than staying at home.

Now even her sister is noticing how much/little the 14 yr old is/is not eating.

Yesterday for breakfast we had eggs in a basket, bacon & hash browns. She had 1 egg/basket and a hash brown. Normally she smothers her hash brown in ketchup. Now, she only puts 2 drops on it. She sister saw that and just looked at me. All I did was nod.

Instead of eating a turkey sandwich, she is eating a lettuce salad with 2 or 3 drops of salad dressing.

Now, if she was overweight, I would not be concerned, but she is about 10-13 pounds underweight.

We will continue to watch her as well as her mother & step-father.

[ShelbyAD]

Here is an update on her "condition".

We got a phone call from her mother on Sunday telling us that she is NOT eating at all and that it took her all the strength she had to get her to eat a little something by Sunday night.

Her mother will be taking her to see a counselor. At first DD did not want to go, then she changed her mind and wants to go. I'm glad that she is open to the idea of talking to someone about it. It will make getting to the "root" of this issue alot easier.

She will be over our house this weekend. Will see what happens.

Oh yeah, her mother took all of the exercise equipment away from DD and we put her jump rope (only exercise thing we have :blush:) away so she can't use it immediately after eating.

DH & I will be talking to her about all of this, this weekend. DD is also embarrassed that her father knows about it. I've been told that is a good "sign/thing". Does that mean she values what her father says? Apparently more than we realized.

Will keep you updated.

[MsMin]

Keep your eyes open for signs of bulimia. Many young girls turn to that when pressure is applied to their eating habits.

[Strmchsr]

Please keep us updated. It definitely sounds like things are turning for the worse. Remember one thing, any eating disorder - whether anorexia or bulemia - is about control, not necessarily body weight. Also, a person with an eating disorder has a mental illness. I say that just to encourage you, and the rest of the family, to know that she can't just "stop." Our human brains are wired with self-preservation instinct and when we start to intentionally participate in self-destructive behavior something has gone wrong. A counselor can help, but the wrong kind of counselor can do more harm than good. Make sure this is someone who specializes in eating disorders.

[MsMin]

The only thing we absolutely know is that none of us can hear what she is thinking or know what she is feeling from here. ED is my specialty and the variance is wide among ages, family situations, self image etc. We do know it's complex and not simple- there is no quick fix and sometimes the attention can make it worse. Sometimes it's control but sometimes it's perfectionism and self image. A therapist can not meet with her once and give you all the answers. Good news is that she has someone who notices and cares. Some teens can be quite manipulative and others are bending to peer pressure and social influences. I do know this that playing it down will help more than hurt. When girls are very young they can develop a "sick role"
I think the best advice you've received is to make sure that the person who sees her is qualified in ED, ask how many ppl they see w/ the disorder. :pixie:

[pink]

I don't mean to be blunt but it defintely sounds like your step daughter has some sort of an eating disorder. I'm fresh out of high school and the whole bad mood thing is pretty normal but it could be directly associated with her weight consciousness as well. All of my friends, along with 90% of the rest of the girls in my class had eating or body issues so it's not that abnormal, but I think it would be wise to get her someone to talk to and then everything will be ok!:)
Good Luck and keep us posted.



:mickey:

[ShelbyAD]

Things have definately gotten worse. Spoke with her mother last night. She is down to 88 pounds. She's 5feet 2inches. Her mother has taken away anything that can be used as exercise and had hidden all scales. We are going to do the same. Her mother also said she is NOT eating at all. She says she's eating at school, but the child could be lying. How can she function in school? When I talked to DD last night she was in the bathroom (according to her sister). When I asked what she was doing in there (since she was in there a long time - per sister) she said she was doing her homework in there. What? :confused: She said that she was in the kitchen, but her little brother (4 yrs old) was annoying her, her bedroom didn't have the right "atmosphere" so she went into the bathroom. We told her mother about this last night. I may suggest to her mother to talk to her daughter's teachers to find out how she is doing in her classes. What her attitude is like. Can they tell if she has any friends. Is this going to far? Heck, if I was her mother, I wouldn't even hesitate to do it.

Unfortunately the counselor that was on the HMO list is no longer there. So her mother is looking into finding another one who does specialize in ED.

I cried myself to sleep last night, just thinking about how much she weighs. Her mother said she can barely look at her, she looks so bad. It's only been 2 weeks since we have seen them. We pick them up this Saturday morning.

We do realize that it is an illness and that she does have some "mental" issues.

This may be sad to say, but I knew that child needed help 6+ years ago and that she was a disturbed child. I did tell DH but him nor her mother wanted to "see it". What parent does. I just wish they had listened to me years ago. Her mother just told me not to tell her how to raise her daughter. DH told me I was just imagining it. Even when my mother came down a couple of years ago, she saw that DD had some serious issues.

She does have very low self-esteem, confidence, and very insecure. She is always saying "I just can't do anything right". And when you try to teach her something new, she doesn't want help learning, but gets frustrated when you try to tell/show her what to do. She just throws her arms up, says the above and storms off into another room.

Her sister is 5feet tall, 12 yrs old and weighs the same (88 lbs). She loves to learn new things, very athletic and outgoing. Could the 14 yr old feel threatened by it? They are 2 very different people, and we have told them both that.

Sorry this is so long. I am thinking of going to my Priest and talking to him about it. What do you think?

[offwego]

Finding someone outside the scenario (your priest for example) might be a good idea. And I would deal with your feelings around feeling like it should have been addressed earlier with that person so as not to add addtional stress to your DH or your daughters mother. They will need you to work with them as a team for this as it sounds quite urgent. (though it sounds as if you are right, it's really water under the bridge at this stage and the priority has to be your daughters health both physical and mental)

I hope this quickly takes a turn for the better.

[MsMin]

Yes, 88lbs is too light. I'm so glad the scale was taken away b/c scales are so so bad. The bathroom is another bad sign b/c they purge in a bathroom especially if they ate to make everyone happy. Watch what she is doing on the internet. There are many sites that encourage or support anorexia produced by ppl who think its a game- really sick sites. See if you can find any of these sites on your computer in your cache. She is getting info somewhere it may be from friends who are teaching her how to hide things.
It may be time to get her to her primary care physician. They can do some chem panels on her to confirm this and can help get you a referral fast. A good psychiatrist should know a good therapist. As I mentioned before it's complex and not that uncommon anymore with the media influence and internet making anorexia a fad or something to be admired and demonstrates the attention that you can get when so many of these young girls are just seeking to fit in. :pixie:

[ShelbyAD]

When DH was talking to his Ex - he told her how to check what websites and/or searches have been made on that computer. There is only one computer in their house and it's in the kitchen/sitting room.

Her mother is also going to make an appointment with her PCP to get a complete physical, run blood work, etc., and to get a referral to a specialist.

DH is also making sure that we don't ignore the other child either during all of this. We are going to be doing more stuff as a family and not singling out anyone. When we do have them, we always either watch a movie or play a game on Saturday nights. During the days they are either out with me running errands or helping their father around the house.

They did alot of work the last time they were over and we were going to give them money for it. I told him that we are NOT to give "H" (14 yr old) any money. But he doesn't want to give "E" money behind H's back either. I don't think that's fair either. E should get the money for helping. They helped him renovate the bathroom - which we are still working on.

[DisneyDudet]

If she goes to the dentist anytime soon, speak with the dentist or hygienist about her symptoms, and they can see if the enamel on her teeth is wearing away or not, a big sing of purging.

Also, if "bathroom time" is taken away, I wouldn't be surprised if she hides it in her closet. Those with EDs will go to great lengths to control this part of their life.

Please keep us informed.

[Disneyatic]

I told him that we are NOT to give "H" (14 yr old) any money. But he doesn't want to give "E" money behind H's back either. I don't think that's fair either. E should get the money for helping. They helped him renovate the bathroom - which we are still working on.
I am coming in on this discussion late but it breaks my heart. My best friend of 20 years began suffering from anorexia our senior year in high school and it was a long hard road.
She is an absolutely beautiful girl, 5ft7, blonde hair, the whole package. I started noticing that it took her FOREVER to eat and there would always be lots of food left over. It got worse and worse and she got down to under 85 pounds. She grew a type of fuzzy hair on her body (I guess the bodies was of insulating itself since there is no body fat), her hair became brittle and she eventually had to be admitted to the hospital with dehydration and kidney stones.
Thankfully, she got ahold of her illness after about 2 years for struggles and hard work and she has continued to do well. She still has body image issues and probably always will. She says that it was a control issue. She felt like she couldn't control anything else, so she starting depriving herself of food and getting a weird exhilaration from ordering big meals and not letting herself eat them.

I think that you are doing wonderful by noticing things so quickly and acting on them. We just kept a "well it must be a phase" attitude and before any of us or her parents knew it, it was out of control.
My only question is, why are you not going to give "H" any money if she does chores at your house? This might be construed as punishing her for being sick or having a problem.
I am not a professional and this is just my opinion, but I think that may weaken the healing process and damage the communication lines that you are trying to keep open with her.

[ShelbyAD]

My only question is, why are you not going to give "H" any money if she does chores at your house? Because we are afraid she will buy diet pills and/or laxatives. "H" had mentioned that she was "desperate" (yes, actually said desperate)for money. I asked her if it was for clothes and/or Christmas and she said no. What should we make of that?

I could talk to her mother and see if she can watch out to see if she does buy them or not. She could always go through her bathroom & bedroom while they are at our house. Is that going too far?

[Disneyatic]

Well with that justification I totally understand the hesitation to give her money. I didn't even think about the possibility of her buying laxitives and diet pills.
In other circumstances I think going thru the bathroom and bedroom would be extreme, but I don't think that going thru the bathroom and her bedroom will be going to far in this case. She has given you reason for all the extreme actions and it is for her well being at this point.

I was not trying to be rude or presumptuous at all, I hope my comment wasn't taken the wrong way!

Once again I commend you for all of the foresight and action that you are all taking into her health and well being. It will be a long hard road but worth all the work to get and keep her healthy.

[ShelbyAD]

Well, things are coming into "focus" now. The last time she was at our house - she ate. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner & Dessert. Granted not alot of food, but ate. She did not give us any trouble, complaints, nothing. In fact, she helped make dinner the whole weekend.

Well. DH talked to his Ex and apparently "H" does not eat at her mother's house. When she does, she is fighting with her mother about eating. The Ex said that she has to "make" H eat.

DH & I have come to the conclusion that "H" is doing this to hurt her mother - but not realizing that she is hurting herself.

"H" has a doctor's appointment with her PCP tomorrow (9-7-07). Along with that appointment, the PCP will recommend/refer her to some councelors who deal with eating disorders. In fact "H" is looking forward to seeing a councelor. Hopefully talking to someone who is not a family member will help her.

[WDWFanatic]

Your DSD is in my thoughts, I hope the doctors visit went well and she can be helped soon.

Please let us know how it went.

[Flower]

So sorry to hear about DSD, but at least she is willing to go to the Dr's and to see a counselor.

Even if you were to go thru her room & Bathroom to look for pills, now that school is back in it would be just as easy for her to keep diet pills in her locker. I would still go thru her stuff at home - but keep the school locker in mind.

If she is arguing/not getting along with mom, is there a possibility she could move in with you & DH? Even if it was only temporary.

Just wondering about removing the locks from the bathroom doors so that you can keep an eye on her if she has been in there too long. Yes, it would inconvenience everyone else who went in, but her health is more important. I agree that if she is trying to vomit she may turn to a closet or go elsewhere - but at least it would remove 1 option and that lock is a lot of security.

I think it is great that you & DH are speaking with his Ex about all of this. It sounds like you all are on the same page and the communication is going to be important to help DSD get through all of this!

[ShelbyAD]

Things have gone from bad to worse. She is now down to 85 pounds. Her face is "caving in". She looks like Karen Carpenter (only shorter).

She is in COMPLETE denial of her problem. She thinks her weight is fine. She doesn't want to weigh 100+. Part of this is passing the 100 pound mark. I remember it being tramatic when I was her age. But most girls get over it.

She's lying more and straight to our faces. Over the weekend we had burgers & tater tots for lunch one day. She ate the burger. I left the table to clean up. Later that day I asked her what she did with the tater tots. She said she ate them. Her sister told me that she lied about eating them. She didn't. I told DH - he confronted "H" about it. She had nothing to say about it.

Also over the weekend, he gave her a hug, broke down & cried and she didn't care. All she said was "can we talk about this later" - but with a severe attitude. She doesn't care that she is hurting everyone around her, her mother & step-father's marriage, her sister, everyone. She also said that she doesn't care if she dies or has to repeat the 9th grade (due to being out of school for rehab).

We found a great place in one of the hospital's here. It's a Nutrition & Wellness Center. We're hoping to get her started before the end of the week.

Her mother is about to have a nervous break down - so is my DH. He is still doing some renovations on our house, so that keeps his mind busy during the day, but when he's done at the end of the day with that, the thoughts of "H" makes him sad & cries.

[bucky at disney]

Just a note to let you know that I am praying for your entire family. My heart just aches for all of you....it saddens me to hear of situations like this.

[bleukarma]

Here is some pixie dust for your family in hopes that things get better. :pixie::pixie:I can only imagine how hard it is. Although I have never had an eating disorder I did hate the way I looked throughout all of my teen years (as most girls did). No matter what your DSD does chances are she won't think about the effect it is having on the rest of the family, most teenagers don't.

I know I'm chiming in late on the giving her money issue but instead of giving the girls money for help fixing the house then maybe you can give them gift cards to their favorite store or something. That way they both get something and it's not cash that "H" can go out and buy pills with. Although it's probably a mute point right now. I hope the Center helps her out!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!!!

[ShelbyAD]

Thank you all for your Pixie Dust & Prayers. When we say our prayers at dinner, I also pray that she will eat and get better.

She has an appointment at the Wellness Center tomorrow afternoon.

She seems happy & excited about it. Part of why she is doing this is for attention. She wants to be the center of everyone's universe.

No, she doesn't realize what she is doing to everyone. She thinks she's fine and we're the ones with a problem, thinking she has a problem.

She is also petrified (sp?) of reaching the 100 pound mark. She will have to get over it.

[Mickey'sGirl]

I am sending :pixie: for your daughter's visit tomorrow -- and for both of her families.

[The Bookseller]

Here's some :pixie: :pixie: :pixie: in the hope she snaps out of this state.

[ShelbyAD]

UPDATE:

DSD went to a Nutrition & Wellness Center that deals only with eating disorders. When they weighed her, she was wearing nothing but a hospital gown. She weighed 82 pounds. :( Her blood pressure was only 70/50 The doctor was surprised that she was not passed out/unconscience.

DH took her to the appointment. Later he told me what had happened. In the course of him telling me - I noticed 3 things that she lied to the doctor about. DH did not know that they were lies. From now on, me & his Ex are going to have to write down things "H" is and is not doing, so when DH takes her to her appointments, he will know just about everything that is going on.

Her next appointment is Sept 25th. She will be seeing a "shrink" & the doctor who saw her at her last appointment.

They said they need to work on her mental state, then work on her nutrition. We are going to make sure she eats, healthy & "fatty" foods. The doctor said she needs food with fat in them.

We also have to make sure she drinks something other than water. That's the only thing she drinks. When she is at our house, we give her a glass of milk. She drinks it, but it takes her forever to drink it. She looks at it like were giving her rat poision or something that should have a skull on the bottle. She won't drink Gatorade either. She can barely stand to eat a Granola bar. She said it has too much fat in it. :confused: Last I checked they only had about 5-8 grams of fat (I could be wrong though).

[WDWFanatic]

My heart is breaking for your poor dsd. As hard as it has been on you all imagine what she is going through. Maybe you could talk to her doctors about some books you and your family could find out about her disorder. So many women fight this battle for years. Hopefully she can get by this sooner than later.

I know you are doing the best you can to deal with her, but remember she's probably hurting just as much. To me it seems like her younger sister outshines her in ways so maybe this is how she can get attention. Even though it's not good attention, but she knows she can't get the grades.

Please know your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

[ShelbyAD]

Oh, no. Her grades are great. In fact, she just got her progress report. She got 3 A's and 1 B. At her HS they have 4 classes a day, but they are 1.5 hours long. She is very smart.

[bleukarma]

Any new updates? How did the appointment on the 25th go?

[ShelbyAD]

Yes there are. Things have been crazy at home and at work. Sorry.

She sees a therapist, specialist & Nutritionist every week (very expensive too - $150 a week for all 3 - cash out of our pocket)

Her weight is stable - meaning she is not loosing anymore. The Nutritionist gives her a new menu each week of foods she has to eat and how much of it. Right now she has to eat 3,500 calories just to gain 1 pound. Man, if I ate that much, I would gain 20 pounds hehehehehehe:blush:

She is getting the color back in her face. She's looking better. Still very skinny (80 pounds) but doesn't look like "death warmed over" anymore.

She started eating (at our house at least) Banquet frozen dinner & Campbell's Chunky soups (neither of them are on her menu - which, to us, is a good thing that she is eating them). Since her blood pressure is only 75 / 54 - she doesn't have to worry too much about sodium. Since she only eats those dinners on the weekends . . . .

She has another appointment tomorrow.

Thank you for asking/caring :)

[bleukarma]

I'm glad to hear that things are getting better! :pixie:

[DizNee143]

glad to hear she is doing better!! :mickey:

[ShelbyAD]

As most of you know, my 14 yr old step-daughter has Anorexia. She is not doing what the doctors are telling her. She's still loosing weight, fighting with her mother, etc.

Well as of 3:30pm today she will be on a plane to a Rehab center in Florida. She will be there a minimum of 30 days, possibly 45 days. If it is for 45 days, she will be there for Christmas.

She is very happy to be going. She is looking at this as a "vacation" from her mother.

She had a breakdown over the weekend. DH found her crying in my closet. Apparently her mother found a note on "H"'s nightstand. It was a list of things to do before "going away". One of the things on the list was "savor being thin". DH confronted her about it and that's when she went hiding in my closet. She starting screaming that she wants to be left alone, she doesn't want to live and that she hates her mother. She repeated (several times) "I hate my mother".

Her mother is a big portion of her problem. Hopefully the Center can help her deal with it, because her mother will still be there when she gets back.

According to DH, H's mother said "I hope this works, because if it doesn't, I am done. I have 2 other kids to deal with". Doesn't that just sound like a loving mother.

[kakn7294]

What a terrible thing for a mother to say! I can't imagine feeling like that about one of my girls. Is there any chance you can get her away from her mother when she returns home? I don't remember who it is that she lives with but I thought it was her mother. Hopefully this rehab center will be what your step-daughter needs. Best of luck on her recovery! I'll keep your family in my prayers.

[DisneyDudet]

Hopefully your step daughter will move passed her emotions and feelings and start feeling happy about life, which will help with her eating.

Hopefully when she comes back she can stay with you and DH as a gradual movement back to the world that made her feel this way.

:pixie: for you and your stepdaughter!

[bleukarma]

I will certainly keep your step daughter in my thoughts and prayers as she’s going through this tough time. Also you and your family. I’m happy she has someone in her life that is loving enough to help her seek the help that she needs. I am not a therapist by any means but It seems like there is something going on at her mom’s house to warrant her anorexic behavior. I don’t know you and your DH’s situation, but it might be in her best interest if she stays with you guys instead of her mother. If that’s possible, it might be something for the facility to bring up to her to see how she feels about the idea. Again, I don’t know your situation so I don’t want to step on any toes with such a huge suggestion.

Thanks for the update and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

[Disneyatic]

I have been thinking about your family lately and how things were going. Thank you for the update.
I think that her mother's reaction to her getting treatment says alot about why and where the problems are coming from. I don't know her and don't want to judge, but I can't imagine saying something like that when my daughter's health and future were in jeopardy.

Kudos to you and your husband for being so active in her recovery. We will keep you all in our thoughts and prayers.

[ShelbyAD]

Thanks everyone.

As far as her living with us. Don't think it will happen. For a few reasons - #1 the mother probably won't want to loose the child support $$$$$. She would rather just have H living there, ignore her, just the get the money. #2 DH doesn't really want to split up the girls. #3 the high school that she would have to go to is BAD BAD BAD There is alot of gangs, violence, drugs, students hitting teachers. Don't really want her going to a school like that. I would be soooo worried about her every day. I don't live in a bad neighborhood, but the school is not good. Can't afford a private school and too late to get her into a Magnet school.

I did ask DH if he thinks the mother would relinquish custody of H to us? He didn't know.

[DisneyDudet]

You and DH seem to have her welfare as a priority, while her mother does not. She does not seem to care much.

Is her high school so far from you, that she cannot go? Maybe she can just stay there for a while to transition?

[SBETigg]

The poor kid. She is so young to be facing such issues. I hope the rehab helps her. It doesn't sound as if her mother's place is the best place for her to be. It must be so hard for you to see her going through this. Good that she has you on her side. Hang in there.

[Terra]

I don't know how I missed this the first time around...but huge prayers and :pixie: Please continue to keep us updated!!

[ShelbyAD]

Is her high school so far from you, that she cannot go? Maybe she can just stay there for a while to transition?

Her school is 45-60 minutes away. 45 without traffic 60 with. Plus she lives in a different county.

I hope she will be able to write to us. I told her that if she could, write me. Hopefully her mother gave her our address (although I doubt it).

I wanted to get her a journal from WDW (went last week) - but all they had was fuzzy pink Princess ones or Tinker Bell. She's not into either of those - plus I can get those kind at my local Disney store. I wanted to get her one that had "Walt Disney World" on it. It doesn't exist.

She did make a little joke. She will be there for Thanksgiving. She said "can you imagine a bunch of Anorexics sitting at the dinner table for Thanksgiving?"

She is going into this with an open mind, but I don't think she knows just how hard it will be. Like I said, she is looking at this as a "vacation" away from her mother.

If she is there for 45 days - that puts her coming home shortly after Christmas. I don't know what we will do for Christmas. We have them for Christmas day this year. I don't know what we will be doing. Will have to wait and see how she is doing and when she will be coming home. I would like her home for Christmas.

[offwego]

Sorry to hear she is still struggling with this. But glad to know she's getting good help for it.

As to Mom's comments it might have been just the frustration of feeling helpless. (I'm sure we've all said things we didn't want to say when we feel hopeless). It's a good sign that at least your DH & the mother are at least talking.

Hopefully you'll have a good update very soon. (and I'm glad you've gotten her the help she needs so quickly..good for you all!)

[DisneyDudet]

Are you allowed to call her or send care packages?

If you can send her packages, you could make her a Disney journal! You take those black and white old school looking writing books and glue or decopage picutures on it. If you glue it, take some of that clear shelf paper and cover it to make it nice and water proof. If you decopage, no need for the cover. There you go, a personalized journal!

I know some of those places are strict on contact from home, and sometimes inspect many things.

I would hope that they allow them to call or receive calls on the holidays.

You can always save a few presents for everyone, keep the decorations up, and when she comes home, act like its Christmas day! I'm sure she would enjoy that quite a bit. It would be like she never missed it!

I can imagine this will be hard for everyone, especially with the holidays, but this just might be what she needs. If she is coming home during Christmas break from school, could she spend a few days with you, before heading to mom's? I just think she needs to be in a nurturing environment when she gets home, and it doesn't sound like mom's is that place. I sound like a broken record!

If you are allowed to send letters, call, and send care packages, let us know. I'm sure we can come up with some fine ideas!

Keep up the high spirits. 45 days will be over before you know it. We are all thinking about her and your family. :pixie: for everyone!

Keep us updated on her progress!

[ShelbyAD]

If she is coming home during Christmas break from school, could she spend a few days with you, before heading to mom's? I just think she needs to be in a nurturing environment when she gets home, and it doesn't sound like mom's is that place. I was thinking the same thing. Since we do have them for Christmas and DH has to fly down and bring her home. I think our house would be a good transition for her. I will talk to DH about it. I'm sure her mother would like to have a quiet Christmas with just her husband, 4 yr old son & her mother.

If she is there for 30 days, she will be home by Dec 13th. I don't know what will happen with her schooling, since they get out for Christmas break on Dec 21st. It's only 1 week. I will have to talk to DH about that too.

If she can't receive packages, I will get her a Journal for Christmas. I'm sure she will need it when she gets home.

[DizNee143]

i hope rehab helps her out!!..and when she gets back i hope the relationship with her mother could/will get better!! i wish her all the best!! please continue to keep us updated...

[Cinderelley]

I know that what her mother said sounds horrible, but I've been in a situation where I've said a similar thing about my oldest. I tried everything I could think of and then some. He began taking a toll on the whole family - me, his younger siblings, my marriage, etc. I finally sent him to live with his father in Kansas with the same attitude. It's not that I hated him. I love him with all my heart, but I did have other kids that I needed to worry about also. Nothing I could do for him was going to change him, but he was making a very negative impact on them. I cried and cried, and I worried that I was the worst mother in the world. In the end DS, came back after about 6 months like a whole new child. I never found out the whole story, but I did find out that it had nothing to do with me at all.

So, from a mom who has been there and done that, it sounds to me like she has probably tied a knot at the end of her rope and is barely hanging on to that.

I don't know your situation, but in my situation, I had no support from the kids' father. He lives in an entirely different state, and his new wife doesn't want him having anything to do with his "old" family. Even though it sounds like you guys live fairly close together, because of past events, she may not feel like she's getting any support from you guys either. And with statements like "Doesn't that just sound like a loving mother.", I would think that you're not trying to look at it from her point of view. I'm not saying that you're not trying to do what's best for "H", but she may not feel that way. Is there anyway for everyone to go to counseling? Especially, have all the adults involved sit down with a counselor and work out what's best for "H".

[ShelbyAD]

We have been very supportive in the whole deal. DH has taken time off from work to take her to her appointments. If the mother didn't want H in the house, we would pick her up and keep her at our house for a few days. DH is the one who has made ALL of the doctor's appointments, been on the phone with insurance companies, finding the Rehab Center, getting the referrals, making sure that she eats what the Nutritionist tells her to, taking her to the store to pick up what she needs, etc.

The mother refused to go to any of the doctor appointments. She has been saying for months "In my opinion, she's not eating enough". Repeatedly saying that. I have tried to explain to her that "H's" stomach has shrunk and cannot hold as much food. It will take time. The mother would get impatient if H did not gain 3 or more pounds a week.

I don't know everything that goes on in her house (I'm not there). I can only go by what the mother tells us. She has told us that she yells at "H" when she does not eat her dinner. It's like she expect H to eat a Big Mac & large fries. It's not going to happen. DH & I have been patient with both the mother and "H".

I have asked DH if he wanted me to go to the doctor's with "H". He said no. He said "how would it look, "H's" step-mother will take the time off, but her own mother won't." So he has put alot on hold to help his daughter.

We are by no means complaining. We know she needs help and we are making sure she gets it. It's costing us an arm & a leg, but we are doing it. We have even taken out a loan to help pay for everything.

[DisneyDudet]

Its sounds like mom may be in denial that this is happening to her daughter, or isn't fully educated on eating disorders. Many people thinks its the fact that young people think they are fat. That really isn't the whole story. They do this to gain control in their lives.

I think it would behoove the whole family, when H gets back, to go to a support group or family therapy/counseling. H will need that support she received at her rehabilitation center when she comes back. I think it would help her if everyone attends sessions.

I hope H's mom really steps up to the plate when she returns. Maybe the school nurse could send home some information on eating disorders? I know, mom may not read it, but if its lying around the house, on the table or something, she may glance at it.

Continuing to send :pixie:

[Dsnygirl]

The mother refused to go to any of the doctor appointments.
I have asked DH if he wanted me to go to the doctor's with "H". He said no. He said "how would it look, "H's" step-mother will take the time off, but her own mother won't." So he has put alot on hold to help his daughter.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this... I have been following the thread since you first posted, but haven't had anything to add. But having read this post, I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a talk about your role in this.
You guys are doing so much for your step-daughter -- and by the sounds of it, doing a great job at it. But your DH isn't going to help things move forward until he accepts that his daughter's biological mother plays a major role in the problems his DD is having - and that you, on the other hand, are a positive support person in her life. You may need to go to some of these appointments in order to help show "H" that there is a "mother figure" in her life that will help her, not hurt her. Her issues w/ her biological mom may be all her own, and totally b/w the two of them, but until she can get a handle on how she feels (and how she handles those feelings), she needs to know there is a grown-up female in her life who will love her, support her, help her and be there for her, no matter what, no strings attached. From what you've said about all that you and your DH have done for her, that's you -- and there's no help to be done by hiding that fact. How it looks to the doctors is nothing more than the truth - and it may help as they deal with "H" to truly see how demoralizing and unsupportive her relationship is w/ her biological mom. I can totally understand his desire to protect "H" and how things look to the doctors -- but this is probably something that needs to be addressed, not hidden, and I bet it would really help "H" to know you are there for her. The fact that her own "real mom" isn't there for her certainly isn't something she hasn't already figured out, and I'm sure the dr's are aware of this, anyway. I can imagine it's just hard for your DH to accept.

I hope this hasn't sounded harsh - I by no means intended it to - you and your DH are doing a great job supporting her, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel like your hands are tied at times. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that maybe you and your DH can find a way to reach her -- it sure sounds like you're doing your best.

[bleukarma]

Whether or not there is a situation going on at the mom’s house, the fact is still there that H still hates her mom. The mom could not be as awful as we think, or she can be worse, but the fact is H doesn’t have a very high opinion of her. It probably has something to do with the fact that it sounds like the mom doesn’t have a strong understanding of what H is going through so she handles the situation in the wrong way. Or it can just be teenage rebellion against her mom. Whatever it is it’s a part of her problem and I believe working with the mom situation will be a key element to her recovery.

With that being said, I also agree with dsnygirl with regards that it might be time to shed some light on your involvement in the situation. When it comes to someone’s health, how a situation looks should be irrelevant. A 14 year old girl needs to know that she has as much support as she can. Right now in her eyes it may look like that her dad is the only one that truly “cares” for her. Even though this isn’t true, you never know what she is thinking. I grew up with my great aunt instead of my mom and in the end I know that my mom still loves me. You can still be there for H (and any of his other kids) without replacing the mom.

When she gets back I hope everything works out. I hope she has better feelings toward her mom and I hope that she understands that she can come to you if she needs someone to talk to.
:hug::pixie:

[ShelbyAD]

Another update.

"H" has been in the rehab center for 7 days now. She called last weekend. She seemed fine, we talked for quite a while.

DH talked to her therapist yesterday. They want to keep "H" there until January 15th. That will be 60 days. Apparently they feel she needs 2 months of treatment. :( Her therapist said that "H" is really depressed. They gave her a very mild anti-depressant. So she can open up and be able to understand and "absorb" the treatment.

So she won't be home for Christmas :( It will be weird this year.

The therapist said that the holidays are really hard because they are focused on food.

I did buy her a journal and sent it Priority. Because of the weight it couldn't go First Class. Anything less than Priority would take between 10-14 days. I didn't want her to wait that long for the journal - she may need it sooner than that. So she will receive it either today or Friday.

[poeticeclipse]

Somehow, I've never seen this thread and boy am I glad that I stumbled upon it.

First off, i'm very sorry that you and your family is having to go through this. It's NEVER EVER a fun situation and it's also difficult when you have multiple families involved.

As someone who has had treatment for an eating disorder (binge) I can just imagine what "H" is going through. I'm sooo glad that she is getting help and I hope that she succeeds and makes it through treatment smoothly. I won't go on about my condition unless you would like to PM me and i'd be more than happy to tell you my story in full.

I went to outpatient therapy for about a year and a half. I didn't go to group therapy or a treatment center though. To this day, I feel that the reason i'm on such a great road of recovery is because of the treatment that I received. Just talking to someone who UNDERSTOOD meant the world to me. I pray that "H" continues in therapy and "sees the light."

For you and the other parents involved, I do recommend reading a book... Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. It's the only book that I've found that has captured the emotions and thoughts of an eating disordered person. It MAY be helpful to "H" but I would check with her doctors before giving her the book. A documentary called "Thin" is also wonderful and very enlightening when it comes to what goes on in therapy. I know you can get it on Netflix and it's also on HBO once in a while.

Again, if you need someone to talk to who's gone through it... please please please... PM me. I enjoy helping parents and giving them some of my personal advice.

Your family is in my prayers.

[Cinderelley]

Sending :hug: to help get you through the holidays without "H". Hopefully it will be better for her in the long run.

[Flower]

I am so sorry to hear that 'H' won't be home for the holidays :cry:, but it sounds like she is definitely where she needs to be.

[BelleandtheBeast]

It does sound like the beginning of an eating disorder and needs to be addressed. You should let her father know and also make sure to inform her mother. I hope everything is OK and I will send some pixie dust to you. :pixie:

[BelleandtheBeast]

I posted after reading the first page and now see that she is getting help. I hope the best for her and hope that everything will end up great for your family.:mickey::mickey:

[tinksmom02]

I only stumbled on this thread today, but I wanted to send you my thoughts. I'm glad that you and your DH were able to get help for your DD so quickly, and it sounds as though she's in the right place, and hopefully they will be able to help her. Her absence during the holidays will be felt, definitely, but the center must know what they're doing, and it sounds like they have a point...I know much of the holidays revolve around food!

From what you've said, it really sounds as though DD would thrive in your household, instead of w/mom. It's a shame that the schooling situation can't be worked out..from my humble opinion, it seems that YOU are the female figure she needs most in her life.

I don't really have any advice for you, but I did want you to know that your family is in my thoughts, and please keep us posted on your DD's recovery...I'm sure I can speak for all of us when I say that we wish her, and you, well.

[ShelbyAD]

Thank you everyone for your prayers, thoughts and Pixie Dust. It means alot. I think DH is the most "wrecked" about this. He has alot on his plate right now. Fixing up our house, hoping that it sells in time for us to move into a new house and his oldest DD. He is under enormous stress & pressure. Unfortuantely he does not like to talk about it. Instead, when he is working on something on the house and something goes wrong, he screams & yells. I know this is his way of letting some anger out. I've tried to talk to him, but it makes him even more upset to talk about it. He has told me that he cries himself to sleep some times.

"H" called us on Thanksgiving. She seems to be doing well. She had Pecan pie for the first time. She loves it. She has a new roommate - she's 16. "H" is getting along great with the other women there. She got her hair French Braided and a pedicure. (is she at a treatment center or camp - sounds like fun ;)) She is in group therapy and single therapy all day. They watch movies at night.

Her mom is sending her a 2 foot tree for Christmas to put in her room. Apparently it is ok for her to do that. We will be sending her a couple of gifts to open on Christmas Day. I will probably send her Slipper Socks, 2008 planner and something from my mother. Can't send her anything bulky, b/c she will have to bring it home on a plane. But, her mother told DH to bring an extra bag. I am assuming that her mother will be sending most of her Christmas presents to her. We will not. We will just do Christmas again once she comes back.

[AbeeNormal]

My heart goes out to you ShelbyAD, you are one of the strongest women I think I have ever come across and I really hope you have the support you need. You talk about the load everyone esle carries, but never about yourself. I hope we can be some comfort to you. You always have someone that cares thinking about you. From this point forward there won't be a day were you won't be in my heart, thoughts & prayer's.

Please keep us posted and I'll be looking for your posts every day so that your not alone.

Hopefull in this program she will continue to get the upper hand on her disorder and with strong family like you and your dear DH she will come out of this happy & healthy.:heart:

[Here we go again...]

Would it be possible to send some get well wishes from some of us who have dealt with these types of issues in our lives? To let her know that no matter what the outcome she is a very cherished child... she must be for everyone to be going through all of this for her.

Can we send any cards at Christmas time?
Angel

[mrsgaribaldi]

So sorry to read this. Prayers and :pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie:on the way.

[ShelbyAD]

Would it be possible to send some get well wishes from some of us who have dealt with these types of issues in our lives? To let her know that no matter what the outcome she is a very cherished child... she must be for everyone to be going through all of this for her.

Can we send any cards at Christmas time?
Angel
Although that would be a great idea, she doesn't know that I am talking about it/her on this board. I think she would be embarrassed if she knew soooo many people knew about what she is going through.

She didn't even tell her friends where she was going or why she was leaving school. Since she started high school and her neighborhood was re-zoned for a different school, all of her friends from middle school are not in her HS. So, the friends she has there are new and did not know that something was going on. By the time she started HS she was already very thin. So they don't know what she looked like before this started.

I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts & prayers. I'm glad I have this message board to "talk" to. DH & I talk about it sometimes, but it's hard for him to talk about it. This is his little girl, his first born. I'm sure alot of you know what I mean.

[Here we go again...]

Although that would be a great idea, she doesn't know that I am talking about it/her on this board. I think she would be embarrassed if she knew soooo many people knew about what she is going through.

That makes sense. I am sure she would not understand why you are "talking" about her.

I hope and pray that everything works out. I am looking forward to the post letting us know that she is home and a happy child that loves herself as she is.

[Cinderelley]

DH & I talk about it sometimes, but it's hard for him to talk about it. This is his little girl, his first born. I'm sure alot of you know what I mean.

I think counseling for the whole family would be good. Maybe even start it while she's gone, so the parents have an easier time when she gets back.

[bleukarma]

It sounds like she is getting along well at the treatment center. I’m happy to hear that things are slowing working out. However I am sad to hear that she won’t be home for Christmas. In the end it will be better for everyone (I hope). Good luck to you and your family! :mickey:

[ShelbyAD]

I think counseling for the whole family would be good. Maybe even start it while she's gone, so the parents have an easier time when she gets back.
That is easier said than done. DH will think we don't need it or he will say he doesn't have the time. He does have a friend that he talks to about it. She is having problems with her step-son. So a couple times a week they sit down and talk about their kids and their issues.

I'm ok with him talking to someone else - heck, I have an entire message board that I "talk" to about it. Sometimes it's easier talking to people who are not directly affected/involved about it.

DH thinks I don't "fully" understand what is going on with her. He thinks that she can't "out smart" the doctors into thinking she's doing/feeling better. I beg to differ. He think's a 14 yr old can't "pull the wool over their eyes". She's a very smart girl. She knew enough to drink a whole bottle of water to make it appear that she had gained a few ounces. Same girl who makes her own sandwich w/ only 2 slices of meat - needs to have 4 slices. Takes the deli meat out, pretends to put 2 more slices on it, puts the meat back in the fridge and stares straight at you and says "yeah, I did".

[Cinderelley]

That is easier said than done. DH will think we don't need it or he will say he doesn't have the time. He does have a friend that he talks to about it. She is having problems with her step-son. So a couple times a week they sit down and talk about their kids and their issues.

I'm ok with him talking to someone else - heck, I have an entire message board that I "talk" to about it. Sometimes it's easier talking to people who are not directly affected/involved about it.

DH thinks I don't "fully" understand what is going on with her. He thinks that she can't "out smart" the doctors into thinking she's doing/feeling better. I beg to differ. He think's a 14 yr old can't "pull the wool over their eyes". She's a very smart girl. She knew enough to drink a whole bottle of water to make it appear that she had gained a few ounces. Same girl who makes her own sandwich w/ only 2 slices of meat - needs to have 4 slices. Takes the deli meat out, pretends to put 2 more slices on it, puts the meat back in the fridge and stares straight at you and says "yeah, I did".


Yeah, teenagers can be very smart - too smart for their own good sometimes. I know a lot of times I can see what my stepson is doing long before my DH can. I'm sure the same is true for me and my kids. I'm glad he has someone to talk to. It's very hard to have your kids go through something that you can't "fix" for them. Even if she can't outsmart the doctors, it sounds like she can outsmart her parents (I don't mean that in a derogatory manner for her parents). Maybe, eventually, he will be willing to go to counseling - even if it's under the guise of doing it for "H". A friend to talk to is great, but the friend can't give the same advice as a professional.

I'll be sure to say a prayer for peace for your family, especially this holiday season.

[ShelbyAD]

No results yet. She is in her 4th week and still at level 1, which means she has not gained enough weight to go to Level 2. We don't really know the progress. I will ask DH to see if he can talk to her therapist or someone at the Center to find out how she's really doing. Is she gaining weight, loosing weight, how is she handling her depression, etc.

She did call last weekend. DH had a conference call last week with H & the therapist. It went well. H said that the session with her mother did not go well. Apparently her mother was upset and angry when she hung up. Got that information from "H" when she called. She usually calls us about once a week on the weekends.

[Cinderelley]

I'm glad the conference call with "H" and your DH went well. Hopefully she'll move up to Level 2 soon. We'll keep you guys in our prayers.

[AbeeNormal]

Thanks so much for the update, hopefully you'll see a level two real soon.

I know this has got to be hard to have her there over the holidays and not with you. Just keep in mind this is going to help her a great deal and will all be worth it in the end. :hug:

[ShelbyAD]

DH had his weekly conference call with the therapist & H. I am home sick today, so I listened to the conversation, but said nothing. So, she has no idea that I was there, nor can she ever know. She is at level 2 - which means she has gained weight, enough to be able to go swimming. During the session, she said that she doesn't want anyone mentioning "oh you look good - healthy - better" etc, when she comes home. Sounded like she just wants people to forget the whole thing happened. I guess that is normal.

Apparently everything I talked to her sister about she told "H". Guess I won't be talking to E about anything regarding H, b/c it will just get right back to her. I had mentioned to "E" that I knew years ago that H needed some kind of therapy. E told H and now H thinks I think bad things about her. That's she has problems and troubles. But I had also told "H" this before she left.

Even the therapist said that H needs to work on her communications and expressing herself. Also, apparently "H" is now expressing that she has issues with me as well as her mother. This is news to me. But, since she doesn't express herself, she never let me know that she did. Here, I thought I was being helpful, but apparently I was not and just butting in where I don't belong.

It's going to be weird when she does come home, knowing that's how she feels about me, but she doesn't know that I know.

[offwego]

I'm glad to see that she's gaining some weight.

I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings for you at this time. In the middle of all this therapy etc her views can change quickly and dramatically depending on what's been stirred to the surface most recently. (But I do agree with you that not discussing it with her sister would seem wise).

Hopefully you'll have even better news to post soon.

[tinksmom02]

Don't second guess all the help you've been giving her. I know she's going through a ton of stuff, and she's confused, and probably a little angry at everyone, for various reasons.

I agree, though, that you shouldn't discuss H with E anymore.

Glad she's moved up to Level 2, though! That's progress!!

[ShelbyAD]

Sorry it's been so long since my last update. Before now there hasn't been any major updates. This might be a long reply.

First of all, she will be home by Jan 13th. She is now back up to 99 pounds. She is even more depressed that she has gained all of her weight back. When she first hit 99 pounds, that's when she stopped eating. Now she knows that she weighs that again and is upset about it.

She will be going to extreme intensive out patient therapy when she comes home. She will be home schooled/tutored and go to therapy every day from 9-4. She will be going home at night.

Since my last post, she still has not talked to me, nor does she want to. It's been 4 weeks.

She told DH today that she does not want anyone to talk about her time in FL and she specifically mentioned me. She also said that she doesn't want me to "talk" to her about anything. Gee, those are going to be interesting weekends.

She's talking to her mother and having conversations, but still feeling insecure about it. I guess since I'm not a parent, she doesn't have to talk to me (with the therapist).

Need opinion here: "E" and I had gone shopping for "H" after Thanksgiving for Christmas. We will be giving her the gifts some time in January. We got her: Oriental soaps, scented hand lotions, a manicure set, nail polish, nail dryer and some stocking stuffers. "E" helped pick everything out. Do you think I should NOT give her those things and get something else? I don't know what to do. I don't know if those items will make her think I want her to look beautiful or that she needs those things go look beautiful. She doesn't want anyone saying anything about how she looks. I don't know what to do. :confused:

DH and I don't really discuss her. We definately do not see "eye to eye" on her. We just end up fighting about it, so we don't discuss her too often. He has a blind fold on when it comes to her. I "see" what she's really doing and I think she knows that.

[Cinderelley]

I'm assuming that you picked those things out because they are things she would enjoy. If that's the case, I would give them to her. Maybe it will help her feel "beautiful" in ways not related to her weight.

You have a tough road ahead. DH & I never see eye to eye on his son either, so I'm sure you're feeling frustrated and a little hurt like I get. I do feel that it's wrong to exclude you because you're not a biological parent. A stepparent can be just as instrumental in a child's live as a biological one, but that's just my feelings on it. I'm sure they have their own way of thinking about it.

Send :hug:, :pixie:, and lots of prayers while everything works itself out. Just remember, as my mother always tells me, "This too shall pass."

[SBETigg]

I think giving her anything that has to do with her personal appearance could be a mistake now. I would choose something else for her, maybe a nice journal and pen set or drawing materials, or music she may enjoy, something that might allow her some room for self-expression.

I'm glad she is improving, but it sounds as if she still isn't taking responsibility for her issues or seeing the full problem. You'll have a long road ahead, but the main thing is that she is getting that counseling and hopefully getting a little closer to healthy all the time. You obviously care a lot about her and I'm sure it's not easy on you now to be in your position. I think you're right that you're seeing more than she wants you to see. Hugs to you.

[bleukarma]

Shelby, I’m sorry for everything that you and your family are going through. It seems like it has really torn some things apart. My prayers are with you in hopes that eventually everything will work out for the better. I am not a parent, so I really don’t know how to handle things when it comes to kids. When H gets back, I would suggest mentioning to her that she can talk to you about anything, no matter how bad it is. I wouldn’t expect a reply back, I would just throw it out there and go on with your day. Maybe at some point she will actually open up to you. Or, she might get mad. But you reaching out to her like that might make her think that you are really there for her, but you are not going to put pressure on her. Just realize that for months and month, and from 9-4 when she gets back, she has been expected to talk about her feelings. I can’t blame her for not wanting to talk about her feelings some. Even though everybody (her mom, her dad, her sister) will want her to, she probably won’t want to. If that is her wishes the respect them and let the professional drudge through the issues she has. One day she will open up to everyone. She’s probably just not ready for it now.

As far as the Christmas gifts go, I think they are wonderful gifts! But for someone that has gone through so much work on her appearance lately she may not appreciate them. I have no clue what goes on in other peoples minds (if only!) so I don’t know…she may love them. But I would suggest something more teenage mainstream like a cd or dvd that you know she has wanted. Something that can continually give her enjoyment. Maybe tickets to a concert she has been wanting to go to. However, I wouldn’t stress too much about the gift…I don’t think a Christmas gift is going to make her love you or hate you. She is going to have to work her feelings out on her own with her therapy. In the end you know that you will always love her and be there for her, and hopefully one day she will realize it too. Just know that it might take some time.

[ShelbyAD]

Well, "H" came home last night (11:30pm) DH flew down there yesterday morning and flew back late last night.. She doesn't want to be home, she wants to stay at the treatment center. Apparently she didn't sleep last night (neither did I) - she kept getting up and closing doors. She may have been in the bathroom, but kept closing it loudly, which woke me up every time. I hope she wasn't throwing up. Maybe not because of the food she had eaten, but from nerves. She goes home to her mother today. DH is taking her to her Out-Patient therapy [OPT] (she goes from 9am to 2pm).

Starting Monday (1-14-08) I will have to meet the mother somewhere between where she works and I work, then I take "H" to her OPT. The building is closer to my work than the mother's. DH will pick her up everyday at 2pm and take her home to her mother's.

[the girls don't have their own room - they sleep on aerobeds in the living room -they're only sleeping at our house 4 nights a month] She slept with the kitchen light on all night.

She had thick black eye liner all around her eyes (she looks like a raccoon). I didn't say a word to her. Physically she looks great, healthy! Once we got home, I said to her "it's good to have you home." she just rolled her eyes and went into the living room. I went to bed.

[TXTigger]

I just wanted to send a:hug: and let you know that I am thinking of you and your family and praying for ya'll.

[ShelbyAD]

Finally some good news. DH was running a little late this afternoon in picking "H" up at the OPT. So he called me and asked me to pick her up and just wait with her until he could get there.

We actually talked. She seemed happy to see me. We talked about all of my shopping sprees, the flea market that is coming in a couple of weeks. She seems ok with me taking her to her OPT every morning.

For the first time in almost a year, she was happy & cheerful. Hopefully it will continue. She seemed sad that she won't be coming back over our house for a couple of weeks (26 & 27). She's happy to be home and excited to see her brother (4 almost 5) & sister.

Her nasty attitude seemed to be gone, for the moment. Hopefully it won't come back.

[offwego]

I'm glad she seemed better this afternoon, it must have been so hard to not know what to say or do with her.

Hopefully the postive trend will continue.

[pink]

That's great that she is starting to be friendly with you again, I hope she stays happy! :mickey:

[tinksmom02]

I'm glad that H is home, and that she seems to be thawing towards you. Hopefully things will continue in this positive manner.