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J9
07-08-2007, 11:09 AM
Maybe some of you folks would have some suggestions for me. I've never been in this type of situation before and quite honestly I don't have a clue what the "proper" thing to do is!

Ok, so here's the story: A friend of mine from hs was supposed to get married in exactly a month. Earlier this week she called off the wedding. (We were all shocked).

Of course, my family was going on vacation the day BEFORE the wedding so I bought a plane ticket for the day AFTER so that I could meet them in South Carolina. I spent $80 on a plane ticket and sadly purchased it 2 days before the wedding got cancelled - and Delta only has a 24 hour cancellation policy. So I have $20 to apply toward another ticket, but I lost $50 for cancelling the flight. (Which is an entirely another story because when I explained the issue to customer service they said they couldn't do anything now, but when I called to use my credit I could explain again and, I quote, "hope you get a sypathetic person." That's total bull, Delta!) But anyway, this poor college student basically threw away $50 she doesn't have and has a credit for an airline she never flies. (It's just that they were cheapest to Myrtle Beach).

So about three days ago, I get an email that the would-be-bride is throwing herself a birthday party next weekend which was a "well-kept secret" and that if people hadn't rsvp'ed to her mom yet, to do so as soon as possible. Ok, that makes me think this birthday party is now the would-be-bridal-shower, which apparantly I wasn't invited to!

So here's the question - I'd like to go and see some of my friends from HS I hadn't seen in awhile, but what's the gift etiquette in this situation? I know whenever someone has a birthday party in a hall, you get a gift. But I've never gotten this friend a birthday gift before and wasn't actually invited to the event in the first place. That's BESIDES the fact that I'm out about $80 for that plane ticket! But of course I don't want to be rude and show up with nothing if she's expecting something, you know what I mean?

Please, help a girl out!!!! I need to rsvp soon! hahaha!

PS - Keep in mind, I don't have a job and am just a poor college student! LOL

snifflesmcg
07-08-2007, 11:49 AM
I think at least a small token would be nice as a birthday gift. Nobody says you have to go all out but something like a gift certificate to a restaurant would be a nice gesture.

PirateLover
07-08-2007, 12:04 PM
I would go with a gift, but a small one. Maybe a $20 gift card or a gift basket from a bath or beauty store. A canceled wedding is tough. Of course all the guests who made plans and already bought gifts are annoyed, but imagine what it must feel like for the couple who thought they had their whole life planned together. The bride probably needs this party and it will be great to see your friends, so go, but don't feel pressured to give some extravagant gift.

Tygger7
07-08-2007, 12:46 PM
I'd go, but as others have said, take a very inexpensive gift. If you're artistic/crafty, consider making something...maybe a nice framed picture with you & the birthday girl. Or, something very reasonable from a bath or specialty store. I would definitely keep it under $20. If you're really concerned about finances and don't feel you can do any gift, I would rsvp and say thank you for the invitation but that you're unable to attend due to previous committments. Hope this helps!

MsMin
07-08-2007, 01:11 PM
Personally, I wouldn't go to a party w/o a gift but consider the $$ spent on you ticket as well. My son has had friends getting married recently and he tells them that his airfare is his gift (this is more like $300 to fly exclusively for their wedding + hotel and vacation time) or he can send a gift. His friends have chosen his presence over his presents. :blush:
I would go w/ a very small token, a thought but you have spent enough!

NotaGeek
07-08-2007, 04:02 PM
It sounds like a regular party to me. A bottle of wine or Champagne and a card to say "Good Luck" would be appropriate.

SBETigg
07-08-2007, 04:18 PM
I've always heard that the proper thing to do at parties like this is to bring a gift at least equal in value to what it costs your host per attending guest. I know the temptation is to bring at least a small token gift, but I think the right thing to do-- if you do plan to attend-- is to try to match the value of your food and drink, which depends on the venue. If you really can't afford a proper gift, don't go-- unless you are close enough to the bride that your presence is worth more than any gift. Otherwise, catch up with your friends on your own time. It sounds harsh but I think it's the right thing. The fact that you are out airfare for a wedding that didn't happen isn't an expense the bride and groom are required to make up, unfortunate as it is.

PirateLover
07-08-2007, 07:23 PM
I've always heard that the proper thing to do at parties like this is to bring a gift at least equal in value to what it costs your host per attending guest. I know the temptation is to bring at least a small token gift, but I think the right thing to do-- if you do plan to attend-- is to try to match the value of your food and drink, which depends on the venue. If you really can't afford a proper gift, don't go-- unless you are close enough to the bride that your presence is worth more than any gift. Otherwise, catch up with your friends on your own time. It sounds harsh but I think it's the right thing.

While I don't doubt that this is proper etiquette, I don't think that the average person really follows that sort of thing anymore. (Whether thats good or bad is a matter of opinion, lol).

Whenever my family has thrown parties for someone at a hall, we've never expected gifts to match the price per person. We throw a party because we want people there to celebrate with us, not because we expect a gifts. They are just a nice bonus. In my circle of friends, people understand when college students don't have money. To me, having my friends there is more important than having a gift (this is why I bolded that line in the response). Had it still been a bridal shower, than I would've agreed with Sherri's advice to not go if you couldn't afford a nice gift. That is more of a formal occasion in which gifts are important- you are helping the bride assemble her new home and start her married life. But had the wedding not been canceled, than this big "birthday party" never would've taken place. At a time like this I would think the bride would want her friends there to have a good time with her, no matter what. That's just my :twocents: as young women.

J9
07-08-2007, 08:07 PM
Had it still been a bridal shower, than I would've agreed with Sherri's advice to not go if you couldn't afford a nice gift. That is more of a formal occasion in which gifts are important- you are helping the bride assemble her new home and start her married life. But had the wedding not been canceled, than this big "birthday party" never would've taken place.

Had it still been a bridal shower, I apparantly wouldn't have gotten an invitation....

WonderlandsMostWanted
07-08-2007, 08:43 PM
Had it still been a bridal shower, I apparantly wouldn't have gotten an invitation....

Yeah, this is the part that gets me... To get an invite at short notice about a party that everyone else had been invited to earlier for other intents and purposes, would probably leaving me a bit on the bitter side, as well as feeling a bit like I was only invited because she wanted more stuff since she wasn't getting all the wedding presents. (I know, it sounds a little jaded, but that was my gut reaction reading your first post.)

My objective guess is the super party is happening for one or more of the following reasons:
A) they already had a non-refundable deposit on the space and decided to get some use out of it instead of the money being a total wash.
B) She's looking for support from as many friends as possible due to her wedding being called off.
C) She figures people have already bought her wedding presents and this way she may still get some of them. :thedolls: (yes, I know, jaded again)
D) She may have been limited initially on who they had enough space to invite, and since the cancellation, there may be a few or more less people coming from the "groom's" side.

I'd say it all comes down to what you feel comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable going because of the invite and money situation, you may not have a great time since you're already starting out on a bad foot. If that's the case, just let her know that you would have loved to come if you'd known about it sooner, but you have other plans. Maybe you can catch up with them for a drink after the party or something?

If you want to go, and don't have the money for a gift, just bring her a card. If it comes up in conversation, you can let her know what happened with your plane ticket. If she gets upset because you didn't come bearing a present, then perhaps her opinion isn't really worth worrying about.

Frankly, (and I don't expect everyone to agree, this is obviously just my opinion,) I stopped expecting birthday presents when I was about 12. If someone wants to get me something, it is always cherished and appreciated, since they wanted to get it for me, but the people who show up empty handed are just as welcomed and appreciated because they chose to come spend that time with me.

crazypoohbear
07-08-2007, 08:44 PM
If this was indeed the "Bridal shower" could it be that you weren't invited because they knew you would have to fly there?
IF this is not the case then maybe the bride or her mom is throwing the party to get her mind off the non wedding.
I wouldn't stress too much about a gift. She knows you are in college and not working so she knows you are broke. My DS is about to be a senior in HS and was just invited to a class mates 18th birthday. He had me spend 10.00 on scratch tickets for the girl. that's what he could afford and she could have hit it big!
So get a card put in some lottery tickets and call it a day!:thumbsup:

J9
07-08-2007, 09:39 PM
If this was indeed the "Bridal shower" could it be that you weren't invited because they knew you would have to fly there?

No, no I only live about 15 minutes away. I needed the plane ticket so I could meet my family who was already going to be on vacation AFTER the wedding since it overlapped. (Otherwise, if I went to the wedding I'd be stuck home alone for the next week and a half! LOL)

offwego
07-09-2007, 09:38 AM
I voted no gift because I misunderstood that you had to fly there...but if your only 15 minutes away I agree a small token of something would be nice. Even if it's a just a IOU for a lunch or something you could do for her like that in the future perhaps?

MMouse6937
07-09-2007, 10:34 AM
I would go with a small gift. That way you can see your friends but not be out too much more money. I might even suggest a card and maybe no more than that. That at least says you realize it is a special occasion. She should understand that this is a special circumstance and not expect anything from anyone. Good luck with your decision!

BrerSchultzy
07-09-2007, 11:19 AM
I'm going to add my voice to the choir here...I would say go to the party, and get something fun and unique. If your friend is a wine drinker, get one of those fun bottles of wine (voss, Mad Housewife, Jerry Garcia...something like that). If not, think of something unique about that friend, and get a small token (just a couple of bucks worth).

I wouldn't fret too much about not being invited. Don't forget, Bridal Showers are often completely OUT of the Bride's hands...maybe the groom's mother planned it, and didn't want to invite all of the bride's old friends (because may groom's moms take that time as the introduction to the groom's family).

What your friend needs now, more than anything, is proof that it is okay to be single for now. There is nothing "wrong" with her, and she has lots of living to do. That's where her friends come in. If you don't have any money at all, give her a "Gift Certificate" for a night on the town (when she's ready, of course), where you two could go out cruisin' and flirtin'.

Have fun. And remember, we all need friends, we don't all need blenders.

ImagiAsh
07-10-2007, 10:40 AM
I'm going to agree with some of the posts above. I would go with a small gift certificate to a restaurant in the area. It is simple and casual. For whatever reason you weren't invited to the original bridal shower (perhaps a mistake or they knew you were going to be away), you're invited to this party now. You don't have to go over the top for a gift. Just a small gift certificate should do. :thumbsup:

thrillme
07-10-2007, 02:01 PM
If you WANT to go to the party to see a bunch of friends...then go...enjoy it. I wouldn't worry about the gift unless she's one of those friends with whom you exchange gifts with all the time and it's expected. My bestest buddy and I just plan on treating one another to lunch one day following the big day.

Personally I guess once you get into your 20's gifts seem a little silly unless they're coming from immediate family or your significant other. I have an ever growing number of friends and I just can't afford to buy stuff for them all. I really prefer if they just "wish" me a happy birthday or limit things to a funny card. That means sooooo much more than "buying me an obligation to have to buy them something later".

Now if this were a BIG birthday 25, 30, 40, 50. Then an appropriate joke gift would be in store.

If you really feel you need to bring something. The lottery tickets idea by a previous poster has always been one of my favorites OR...go and print an old picture of the two of you. I gave an old picture to a friend of mine of the two of us posed next to a Seaworld Turtle. She loved it. Baking her a batch of cookies is a great deed too.

P.S. IF she received a number of wedding gifts for her upcoming "cancelled" wedding I sorta think she should offer to return them to the senders but then...that's just what "I" would do.

Flower
07-10-2007, 03:25 PM
I'd go, as far as a gift - a bottle of wine and flowers is always a hit, or a card with a gift certificate for a manicure or pedicure.

Good luck - so sorry to hear that your travel plans were screwed up!

mrsgaribaldi
07-11-2007, 09:00 PM
I think a small gift would be appropriate:thumbsup: