I need advice about guys and help with relationship

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

Hi - I normally wouldn't do this but i need advice, guidance, help, assistance, therapy, what ever you would want to call it.

Yesterday morning, a guy i've been dating since Feb texted me and accused me of stealing his password to his myspace (yes it sounds incredibly stupid but hear me out) and said he was annoyed with me and didn't want to talk with me right now; so any girl, after reading that would of course call the cell of the guy, and that's what I did. He said that I stole his pw and I didn't i don't even know it; and why would i do that and why would he be so freaked out with it; like what is he hiding on his myspace or in the email there? He ranted at me for like 10 minutes and one thing led to another and (okay ladies here we go) I ended up asking him why he's searching on myspace for girls if he's dating me? Fair question I thought? That set him off even more and he kept on ranting and then it got personal and called me selfish (i'm not) and kept upsetting me and all the while i just kept apologizing for what I have no idea i think i just didn't know what to say. (back in the 2nd month of dating he asked me to move in with him and that was fast for me and i said we need to slow down and have you meet my family and such and see what happens for both of us, he's unemployed, divorced 8 years and has custody, and I'm fine with all that) - I guess what i'm asking is this, was it is or is it wrong of me to feel like I've done something when I truly haven't?? I honestly haven't dated someone in a very long time and this is blowing me away. And btw, he lives in AZ and as you all know I'm in IL and FL, so it's been a long distance relationship, i've flown out once to see him (I paid for the flight) and that has been it. I was to fly out this weekend for a week's stay with him but I've canceled my flight with AA and am eating the $158 right now....which doesn't even matter to me.

But if any or all of you could help me out with advice I'd really appreciate it.

[offwego]

I think this kind of behaviour is a red flag to how ready he is to make a commitment.

How you could with the amount of actual time spent together have gotten that kind of info is odd to say the least, then add in the other issues such as distance and his accusing you etc.

I think some space is in order for sure.

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I think this kind of behaviour is a red flag to how ready he is to make a commitment.

How you could with the amount of actual time spent together have gotten that kind of info is odd to say the least, then add in the other issues such as distance and his accusing you etc.

I think some space is in order for sure.

Hi Natalie - thank you, it just seems so strange to me of the accusation and why would he think it was me to begin with? And only 5 days 4 nights was the time we spent together. I said we needed space too and that peeved him even more. It's just so distressing to me since it was at first so nice, calm and 'happy' and now it's like the raging opposite.

I appreciate your advice and thank you from the bottom of my heart, if you think of anything else, please let me know.

[Belle619]

I would definitely say that something isn't right with the situation - on his part. First, why would he accuse you and why would he have had that response if he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't have been on myspace. Second, I'd be concerned with how easily he lost his cool in the situation. You haven't spent much actual time with him and he may have a lot of anger/control issues that you shouldn't have to deal with.

Trust is a huge issue and he doesn't trust you even though you have given him no reason not to. Don't appologize if you haven't done anthing wrong - be strong and have confidence in yourself and your abilities. I would say to give him all the space in the world and find someone who will appreciate you and treat you with respect.

[CAS]

I'd have to agree with the others, this sounds too much like he's looking for an excuse. The fact that something so small upsetted him to begin with means he doesn't want you to see something (the fact that he's on myspace is weird for someone that age anyway).

I would run from this situation. Sorry! :(

[trapper]

Hi I have been married for 20 years and I have to agree with all the above...run for your life....you will find someone who loves and trusts you.

[DizneyRox]

I'd say this is all a cover for you not coming out to visit. Guys tend to not like to confront others about ending a relationship (I'd hardly call this a relationship, but that's another story). It's easier to pick a fight and then the decision is made right there (by you) and he's off the hook.

Time to move on, I wouldn't even put any more thought into it.

[Katarch]

It's him, not you. He knows he's doing something wrong and he's trying to blame you.
Don't apologize! I would walk away - don't invest anymore time in him!

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I would definitely say that something isn't right with the situation - on his part. First, why would he accuse you and why would he have had that response if he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't have been on myspace. Second, I'd be concerned with how easily he lost his cool in the situation. You haven't spent much actual time with him and he may have a lot of anger/control issues that you shouldn't have to deal with.

Trust is a huge issue and he doesn't trust you even though you have given him no reason not to. Don't appologize if you haven't done anthing wrong - be strong and have confidence in yourself and your abilities. I would say to give him all the space in the world and find someone who will appreciate you and treat you with respect.

Thank you, I was thinking the anger came out awfully fast too, and yes, why would he be so goofy about something like that? I really appreciate your positive reinforcement, that means a lot to me right now. I was actually starting to second guess myself and my abilities and I want to be strong and not scared, thats why i cancelled the trip to see him this weekend and that peeved him even more but if I don't feel safe after being yelled at, why would i want to go to AZ without knowing a single soul but him? God for bid if something happened to me when I was there....thank you for being so kind to me.

[Caroleh]

I'd run if I was you. I see a red flag when he gets upset over something so small or even with you for wanting to slow things down. As a person that was a victim of abuse, I see the warning signs from what you write..it might not be physical, but mental(with you needing to apologize with doing nothing wrong). You haven't spent a lot of time with him face to face, so you don't know what he is capable of doing. Also you stated he was divorced, what was the reason, or do you know just his version. I may be a big skeptic, but I've been on the wrong end of the abuse and I hope nobody ever has to experience that.

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I'd have to agree with the others, this sounds too much like he's looking for an excuse. The fact that something so small upsetted him to begin with means he doesn't want you to see something (the fact that he's on myspace is weird for someone that age anyway).

I would run from this situation. Sorry! :(

I thought the myspace thing was strange too..good to know i'm not alone on that....

[aprilisis]

...run for your life....you will find someone who loves and trusts you.
:ditto: I have to agree completely. I wish someone had told me this at the beginning of my last relationship. I can't even date anymore because it was such a bad experience.

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

Caroleh - he said his ex wife left him and never got into specifics, she had custody of the son until 2 yrs ago; then the son moved in with him since he didn't get along with her anymore; and he also used the f word to me many times and also called me selfish and said that the reason i didn't get the Disney Dream Job was because I was too old (i'm 29) and when you said verbal abuse that sort of makes sense....

Aprilisis - you don't date anymore because of this, it's freaking me out too, and it makes sense....

Trapper - Thank you for thinking of me and 20 years is amazing!

DizneyRox - Confrontation huh? I never saw or thought of that but you are so right - thank you!

Katarch - Yes he is putting the blame on me and that's why i questioned him to begin with...Wow!

THANKS TO ALL SO FAR AND I APPRECIATE THIS

[MsMin]

I am so glad he did this now and not when you were there. I agree run, put him on ignore etc. don't be surprised if he reverts to Mr. nice again. Typically when someone is like that and after the ugly doesn't work they switch back. (for a while) He looks for ppl that are kind then blames others for his problems and the problems escalate b/c he really believes it's your fault and all of his future problems will be your fault too. You sound like you tend to be very responsible and care not to hurt others and he needs someone who will take responsibility for both of you. A very bad match, yes the kind abusive relationships are made from. Pat yourself on the back that you found out this early, treat yourself to something nice for being "smart" :hug: and as Dory would say "swim away swim away" ;)

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I am so glad he did this now and not when you were there. I agree run, put him on ignore etc. don't be surprised if he reverts to Mr. nice again. Typically when someone is like that and after the ugly doesn't work they switch back. (for a while) He looks for ppl that are kind then blames others for his problems and the problems escalate b/c he really believes it's your fault and all of his future problems will be your fault too. You sound like you tend to be very responsible and care not to hurt others and he needs someone who will take responsibility for both of you. A very bad match, yes the kind abusive relationships are made from. Pat yourself on the back that you found out this early, treat yourself to something nice for being "smart" :hug: and as Dory would say "swim away swim away" ;)

Thank you, it's just so scary and I am so blown away by all of this behavior from him. I keep apologizing for everything and yet i've done nothing wrong but ask a question....thank you so much for your kind words I truly appreciate it and God bless you for your advice.....

[mrsgaribaldi]

I agree with what's being said. He sounds a little nutty like a fruit cake. Forget about him and find someone closer to you who treats you like the princess you are, that's what you deserve:thumbsup:Good luck:pixie::pixie::pixie:

[PrincessCandaceMarie]

I agree with what's being said. He sounds a little nutty like a fruit cake. Forget about him and find someone closer to you who treats you like the princess you are, that's what you deserve:thumbsup:Good luck:pixie::pixie::pixie:

OMG that is so sweet thank you so much for saying that....you have no idea how low my self esteem is right now....thank you xoxoxox

[Caroleh]

OMG that is so sweet thank you so much for saying that....you have no idea how low my self esteem is right now....thank you xoxoxox


Since you're having low self esteem, this really is a sign of abuse. You don't deserve this at all. Dump him now. I hate to sound like a broken record here, but trust me I've been there, done that and got the Tshirt and nobody will take the Tshirt back;). You're not being selfish, it's him and his hang-ups. If you need to talk, pm me, please.

You'll find a prince some day, you'll just kiss a lot of frogs first!!

[meldan98]

I long time ago, I tried the long distance thing I learned so much about myself after it was all over. I had met a guy and we were just friends. He was from out of state and we kept in touch via phone calls and letters (for you youngins' that's an envelope with a stamp on it :blush:). I was dating someone and so was he. After a few months of correspondence, we were both single and were interested in seeing what would happen next. To make a long story short, I ended up moving to his state after a year of long distance courting. Prior to me getting there, he couldn't wait to meet my friends who were going to help me move, he couldn't wait to graduate from college and start teaching, he couldn't wait for me to get a job and move in with me. Once I unpacked my bags at his "parents" house, he started complaining about strangers (my friends) staying at his parents house, then he decided in the 2 days it took for me to get to his house how he was going to take a break from school and take one class a semester. He also decided that I didn't need to get an apartment, because we could live rent free in his parent 2 bed 1 bath apartmentm. I THINK NOT!!! I was there 48 hours before I packed my bags and high tailed it out of there.

No man is worth the fear and agrivation he has put you through. You are worth so much more than that. Men that have that much drama in their life, need counselors, not women!!!

I'm not saying leaving and moving on with my life was easy. It took two years and a lot more drama in my life before I was able to move on, but you know what, I found the love of my life and now have a wonderful husband and daughter.

Hang in there!!!

[WonderlandsMostWanted]

Hey, I'm kind of new here, so I hope I'm not talking out of turn here, but I can't help but notice that you keep using the word "scary." Someone who cares about you and is worthy of having you care about them should NEVER make YOU feel scared. Our own minds and bodies give us clues, even subconsciously. Even when you can't pinpoint exactly what or why, something feels wrong. Based on the fact that you're confused and frusterated enough with this situation to post here for advice, I'd guess some part of you has hit the "something's wrong" mark.

Trust me, if you're having to ask yourself these kinds of questions and having these concerns this early, you're doing yourself a favor by turning your back on the situation and walking away. Is it the easiest thing to do now? Probably not. But, the longer you stick around trying to "fix" things, the harder it's going to keep getting, and likely, the worse it's going to get. Ultimately you have to do what's right for you, just really take a minute to listen to yourself. If it feels wrong, it probably is.

Best luck dear, my heart goes out to you, and my thoughts are with you.

Ana

[Jenemmy]

OMG that is so sweet thank you so much for saying that....you have no idea how low my self esteem is right now....thank you xoxoxox

Oh please don't let him determine your self esteem! If he makes you feel that way, all the more reason to move along, IMHO. The right guy will make you feel wonderfully special. Don't ever settle for anyone who doesn't love and respect you completely. The "real" thing is too good to miss by settling :hug:

[Marilyn Michetti]

You didn't say what the age range is, but I'm an old lady with 37 years of marriage under my belt, so hear me out.

Eighteen years into my marriage with the "perfect man", all of a sudden, his habits changed, he dressed differently, late hours, yada, yada. You all know where this is going. Yes, the man had another woman, and I KNEW long before I should have. Long story short, I tossed him out, and after a couple of months, he realized he had a hard choice to make, and he came back on his hands and knees. He's still the greatest man in the world, but the road back took a LONG time.

My point is, if after a couple of months, you're feeling red flags in your gut, you're probably right. I admire your courage in not crying, begging, or reasoning. Canceling your flight is probably the best $158 you will ever "eat". This guy isn't the best you can do, and I've never met him. (Although I do live in Az.) You hold out for the best.

Good luck. There IS a wonderful man out there just dying to meet you.:thumbsup:

[WonderlandsMostWanted]

Hey, about the plain ticket... You should check with the airline, they may let you put at least a portion of that cost toward another flight. Celebrate yourself and treat yourself to an extra Disney vacation for a few days! (Might not work, but it's worth a shot, right?!)

:mickey:

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I agree with everyone else. Run and don't look back. Always listen to your sixth sense. It's trying to warn you!! You have to remember that you deserve to be treated better. He was definitely moving too fast with wanting to move in together. He was trying to strike and get you under his power before you got to know the "real" him.
And do check with the airline to see if you can use the ticket for future travel. They might charge you a portion of it, but you may be able to salvage some of the money.
Good luck and don't take any phone calls or IM's from him. Make a clean break. It might not be easy but it sounds like it's for the best.

[Dsnygirl]

:( Unfortunately, it sounds like you're just starting to get to know the true nature of this guy - and you were wise to back off. Who knows what he was thinking, or why he thought you'd care to steal his password - but even more so, his behavior about it and his anger towards you w/o any proof that you were involved sends up a lot of red flags - and it's probably good that you're seeing them now, while things are still slow & long distance. Listen to your heart - I think it's telling you the truth. ;)

[snifflesmcg]

Oh, you sound exactly like me a few years ago. I wish I could take you out for a Mickey Bar (or a few beers:cheers:) and let you spill your guts:sadwave:. Let's tackle these one by one.

~First I'm gonna play devils advocate. I have been in a (very happy) relationship for over a year now. However, I DO have a myspace. I use this ONLY for my personal friends and family and I am not looking for anyone at all. It's a great way to connect with old friends, co-workers and classmates. It doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong.

~Second, from what you told us, it DOES looks like HE is doing SOMETHING wrong. By flying off the handle like he did and acuse you, IMO he's the one with a guilty conscience. My ex accused me of cheating (I have NEVER cheated on anybody). Later on I found out he was the one cheating

~ THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. If he can't accept the truth, you don't need him. As stated before, trust is the number one factor in a good relationship.

~Run for your life! Do you really want a divorced unemployed loser with a child that god only knows how he got custody?:down: This man is never the type that's going to bring you to Disney World.

~Long distance relationships almost never work. I got lucky, my BF moved here from his home 2 1/2 hours away. That's a far cry from IL to AZ.

~Save all that money from flights to AZ and take a cruise (or a trip to WDW) with your girlfriends. You'll have a better time and your friends won't make you feel bad about yourself.

I really, really hope I helped you in some way. I hope you find a guy that appreciates you the way you deserve to be. Also, I read a book (and I never read books) that changed the way I dated guys. It was called "He's just not that into you". I sat and paged thru it at my local Barnes and Noble. It pointed out all the reasons guys make excuses and why girls make excuses for them.

[RenDuran]

PrincessCandaceMarie, there's a lot of good advice on here. I hope you take it to heart and forget old what's-his-name! Value yourself and follow those instincts.....you deserve a happy life with none of that drama. That sort of thing is only good on a Lifetime movie......

[NotaGeek]

When a person shows you who they really are, believe them.

[MsMin]

Unfortunately, (and so goes for all of us and not just you) when we don't love ourselves we tend to attract the "dirt" we think we deserve. While dumping out that baggage dump some of your old baggage too and remember that God doesn't make trash- you are a very loving and valuable person and deserve someone wonderful-- don't believe the old adage that opposites attract. To some degree there is truth but remember you are a good person and one good person deserves another. Work on being good to yourself and Mr. Wonderful will follow! :hug:

[glassprincess]

Since you're having low self esteem, this really is a sign of abuse. You don't deserve this at all. Dump him now. I hate to sound like a broken record here, but trust me I've been there, done that and got the Tshirt and nobody will take the Tshirt back;). You're not being selfish, it's him and his hang-ups. If you need to talk, pm me, please.

You'll find a prince some day, you'll just kiss a lot of frogs first!!

I agree. Part of the pattern with men like this is the culture of blame... ON YOU. They cannot face up to their own inadequacies so they deflect them on you to destroy your self esteem. That is what makes them feel good because they can tell their friends and family that it is all your fault things are not right.

I too have the T-shirt . I wish I had got out earlier. He wasted 7 years of my life lying and cheating on me and making me always feel that it was my fault. It was a long distance relationship to begin with too but it gave him the chance to have at least 3 other full time relationships - each of us in a different city. He told us all the same stories and promises of being with him.

Your heart is telling you that something is not 'quite right'. Run with it.

You are a good person. There are a lot of lovely people out there that will treat you like the princess that you are :princess:

[thrillme]

RUN...don't walk. This is not a healthy relationship. I truly believe you did NOT do anything, but even IF you did...he has no right to talk to you like that. Any man that would "cuss" his girlfriend out like that is way off the mark. There's a way of settling disagreements or issues and cussing one another out is NOT the way.

Another thing..."unemployed". That's a bit of a "red flag" there too. And "divorced"...may or may not be a red flag. I've seen BOTH sides of the fence. BUT...it warrants investigation. There are often TWO sides of the fence.

The best thing in the world at this point is "DELETE HIM". Delete his phone number, his email etc. Don't be surprised after a few months that he calls up apologizing for being "stupid" or for "screwing up the best thing he ever had".

Yeah I broke up with a long distance relationship because he wanted to go out with another girl...but there were OTHER problems there too (from my opinion) and that was just the FINAL straw - IF he had EVER used the "F" word on me or accused me of something like this...it would have ended so fast his tiny pinhead would have been spinning. It was a great thing to break up with the old...I was down for a while (mostly at myself for putting up with everything for so long) but in recent months I started dating an old friend who's had a secret crush on me for a long time. This one is sooooo much better we laugh constantly about everything.

If he DOES call which they NORMALLY do if you don't call them. (Their egos FREAK OUT and they can't stand it). I can guarantee he will be pushing all the "right buttons" and "apologizing" blaming "STRESS", "missing you" etc. The best revenge in the world is NOT to get "confrontational" but sound satisfied and happy. Wish him the best...and "have to go"...

You don't want to end up a future statistic.

I agree with an earlier poster to check and see if you can use credit from that ticket for a flight somewhere else...Disney is an AWESOME option. Go with a best girlfriend and go get ya'lls hair done up at the Bipidy Bopidy Boo place regardless of age.

Best of Luck...and remember where your DELETE button is.

[Mousefever]

Run away! Run away quickly! Please care for yourself by recognizing he is treating you badly. You deserve to be available for someone who will treat you kindly and with respect. This situation is drama. You do not need this drama.



:dory:

[DisneyCouple07]

Hi there PrincessCandaceMarie, I had a similar problem a while back. I was seeing a girl who seemed to be great and after 2 months of dating wanted to get married. I waited and beat around the bush for a few more months (I was 22/23 at the time so I was more into trying to enjoy life at the moment than in the future). Anyways things started getting a little strange after 5 months–started being a little distant and such, and was very pushy in trying to get engaged (btw, the ring she wanted was about $40,000). Well, I got suspicious and did a little digging and got exactly what I didn't want to know—she was seeing at least 3 other guys for the last 2 months of our relationship. Well, I got out of it ASAP, and it did hurt at the time- but I then found and married my dreamgirl, and we were at WDW for our honeymoon just last year (and going back for our 1 year anniversary). Long story short- this sounds kinda like the situation I was in, get out and don't look back. People like that do not care about anything but themselves and are not worth the trouble. You seem like a great person from what I've been reading here, you deserve much better. And don't get frustrated, you never know what's waiting around the corner (I met my wife at the grocery store btw, so you really never know). Good luck with everything. :mickey:

[rt207]

Run. Like the wind:bolt:. There are all kinds of red flags, bells, and whistles going off here. I've ignored signs in the past and paid dearly for it:spend:. Don't make that mistake.