Need Some Help Please

[Tinkerfreak]

Sorry if this is long but I need alot of help. DD is 12 almost 13 and wants to have a boyfriend. She does not want to go on dates or anything like that just sit with him at lunch and talk on the phone. DH is totally wiggin out. He gets really upset when she asks about it and says she is only 12 so she is not to talk to any boys on the phone or on the computer etc. I am feeling caught in the midde. This is the first time DH and I have not agreed on a rule. I feel that she should be able to talk to boys on the phone and sit with them at lunch. I do not think she is old enough for us to be taking them on dates to the movies or for him to be visiting her at home or anything like that. DH does not think she should have any friends at all that are boys. My Dad was very strict so I know how hard this is on her and I am scared that he will drive her away. I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to us but he freakes out so bad that she is scared. We have always believed in a united front kind of parenting and we always back each other up but I just don't agree with him. I know that part of the problem is that his Mom never cared what he was doing and just let him go wild so he is affraid of her doing the same thing so has gone overboard on the rules.
How old were your kids when they started talking to the opposite sex on the phone? I would love some thoughts from some of the teenagers out there also.
Thanks!

[TinkiTime1989]

You wanted opinions from teens, so here ya go, I'm Erin and I'm 17. I don't see any problem with talking to boys at her age. It's probably going to happen regardless of how your husband feels about it. Trust me, we always find ways around things! I'm an only child and my dad is very protective of me so I've been there too. Talking to the boys that she sees at school on a daily basis isn't going to hurt anything. She has to be able to at least make friends with them and be social. I hung out with guys and girls alike when I was her age and it's still the same way. I have a lot of close girlfriends but at the same time I have a few guy friends that I am very close with as well. Just because she talks to a boy doesn't mean that they will automatically become romantically involved or anything. Just let her test the waters and see how it goes.

[Mickey'sGirl]

My best friend all through school (from age 4 to 17) was a guy named Mark. We spoke on the phone all the time, and I did with Omer and Fritz too. They were just my friends. My DS9 has friends who are girls that he will speak to on the phone or hang out with. They are girls and they are his friends, but they are not his girlfriends.

Does she want a friend who happens to be a boy, or does she want a boyfriend? I have to agree with your husband -- she does not need to get caught up in a "I need a boyfriend in order to be something" drama that kids today seem fixated on -- but if she is looking for friendship from this guy... I personally would not have a problem with it. That said -- you guys have to do what works for you. It is your home and your family. Good luck with everything! :thumbsup:

[SandmanGStefani24]

ok, here's a guy's perspective.
I don't think what she's doing is a real problem. Granted us guys aren't always the most trustworthy, but at that age boys aren't really into the same kind of trouble that we get into later on. (like 15 and up.) Plus if they aren't interested in going on dates and such what's the problem? Plus when I did start dating I would usually just go over to her house or have her come over to mine. In both cases, parents were there and we couldn't get into any trouble with them there. Dates with parents are a great way to start (movies, tv, dinner) and keep everyone in check. :D
Lastly, and I'm sure you know this already, they're going to be dating anyway with or without your permission. The best thing to do is to allow it, but keep a close eye on things. If they are under your supervision things won't get out of hand and they will be more trusting of you. (no sneaking around, no secrets.) That always kept me honest, and kept me from going too far too soon. The next GF I had had parents who were not as accepting and did not keep a close eye on me other than to tell me I was not allowed around there. (and that's when the trouble started.) Use your gut, and keep the lines of communication open. Hope this helps!

[Disneyatic]

I totally agree with Sandman......I would rather allow it and have some type of control of the situation then to forbid it and leave the possibilty of sneaking around or anything else. I feel that trust is essential and allowing her to have a boyfriend that she sees at school, sits with and talks on the phone sounds reasonable and would be a nice place to start building up that trust going into her teenage years.
My parents always trusted me but made it know that a violation of that trust would have serious consequences so I was very careful to do the right thing. This is how I plan to handle things when my daughter gets older.

Sounds like the best thing to do is try to keep talking to your husband to figure out the root cause of his anger and try to get him to see another perspective and at least consider it.

Good luck!

[DREAMADREAM93]

Another teen opinion here. I never had a rule about talking to guys or having guy friends. My parents always said it was better to have limits than to have rules because like you said, forbidding things and having strict rules really drives kids away. If i knew it was allowed, i wouldn't have to go behind my parents backs to get what i wanted and i always knew where to draw the line. So regardless of your DH's rule, it's probably going to happen anyways. When things are forbidden, there is always that urge to do it anyways. She'll be fine and i think her talking to guys on the phone and at school wouldn't hurt anything.


JOrdan:]

[Zippy 1]

:mickey:I don't know if this will help you at all. We have a DD who just turned 13. We have been discussing with her for over a year whatthe rules were concerning boys. We did this mainly because one of the girls we know has gotten herself into a little trouble in regards to boys and what is appropriate at this age. The rule with her is she may not date until she is 16. But she can have boys who are friends. She may talk to them on the phone, hang out with them in supervised situations and even go to dances at the local junior high. We decided that if in a group situation with appropriate supervision it would be o.k. But at no time do we wish to hear from her or someone else that it is one on one time with a boy or that he is considered a boyfriend. We explained our reasoning to her and so far all is well. I am sure things will change as she gets older. Although after talking to a bunch of parents locally, they have similar feelings. So that makes it easier to enforce. Try siiting down with your DH and talk about his reasoning for his feelings and maybe you can work out a compromise that works for your family.

[DisneyDog]

Forbidding something is a way to guarantee that it actually does happen. Might as well agree to it, and have it be agreed upon, under your terms, than to see things get out of hand in the future.

[Marilyn Michetti]

I don't think you have too much to worry about. She TOLD you what she was thinking - no scheming, no sneaking, no lies. That's a pretty neat thing, IMHO.

You've done something right. I hope your DH calms down. This isn't the worst thing that can happen, and it's NORMAL !!:thumbsup:

[kakn7294]

I have a 12 yo DD who has a boyfriend. I actually don't like it but I figured I would much rather allow her to see this boy, take them to the movies once in a while, and allow them to hang out at each other's houses occasionally (supervised of course) to watch movies or play with their gameboys. They are really more friends than anything else but if she wants to call him her boyfriend, it's okay with me because there are worse things she could be doing behind my back. I've made it a point to get to know his parents and their morals are much like my own so I trust that they will keep her safe. I try to keep my relationship with her so that she can tell me things and I don't freak out on her but if she starts on things that are a little over the top for a kid her age, I can tell her to back off. Your DD is at the age where she is starting to try to figure out who she is and what adult life is all about. I think it's far better to know what's going on than forbid it and she does it anyway. Good luck! It's a hard thing to watch our babies grow up, isn't it!

[maizey05]

I had many boy friends throughout school. I had my first boyfriend at 16, but talked on the with boys, invited them over for birthday parties, movie nights etc. I honestly thought kissing, holding hands etc. was gross until I was in highschool. I would say, let her talk on the phone w/ boys just like she does w/ her girl friends. Of course if they come to visit, I would do what my parent's did. Have an open door policy for her bedroom. (If they choose to go in there, the door stays open.) Supervision is key. Hope things work out!

[crazypoohbear]

I have a son almost 13. there are a few kids in his class who are "going out". For most kids this age going out or having a boyfriend means, talking on the phone, iming, and maybe sitting at lunch talking in a group of other kids. Some of the girls have said they are "going out" with so and so. I ask them how can you go out with so and so when you never actually GO OUT!???;) For most kids at this age it's just a phrase. And she is talking to you so thank your lucky stars.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

And most of the kids Crazypoohbear is talking about don't even talk to each other face to face. They talk on the phone or IM. That' their definition of "going out" and being boyfriend and girlfriend.
Make sure you do everything in your power to keep the lines of communication open.