Please help- I need some serious advice...

[aprilisis]

I really need some serious advice from everyone. This guy that I used to date when I was 17 (I am now 31) shows up in my life every now & then. I have told him repeatedly that I want him to leave me alone & he usually does for a few years. About 2 years ago when I had asked hime to stay out of my life, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He had also said a few things that scared me (hinting at the threat of violence, but not an outright threat). A few months ago he just showed up unannounced at my house. I told him again to please leave me alone. He always bullies me into a huge discussion- like I don’t have the right to ask him to leave without explaining myself. Last night he showed up at my Grandmother’s house! I asked my mom to tell him that I was not there and he left. Now it is to the point that I don’t even feel comfortable in my own house- or even at my Grandmother’s house. I am worried about my dog being at home alone all day because I am not sure if he would do anything to her. I have been looking over my shoulder & in my rear-view mirror all day. This is the type of guy who would not back down at the mention of police or a restraining order. In fact, I think he would be even more angry and really snap. I feel totally helpless and I have no idea what to do. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?

[MMouse6937]

Oh my goodness April, do NOT take this lightly. This guy is bad news and I think you know that. Don't be afraid to take out a restraining order just because you are worried about making him angrier, you have to be concerned with yourself at this point. Let the police know that he has showed up uninvited, even after he is told not to do it again, and that he has become verbally abusive and threatening. Start documenting things that he has done now so you have a record of his pattern. PLEASE protect yourself, get some mace or something, take care of your baby dog, leave him inside during the day. Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you. :hug:

[SBETigg]

Wow, so sorry you are going through this! I would be scared, too. I have no idea what to do, but I would definitely get the police involved. It's probably a good idea to keep a journal of when he shows up, where, what he says and does, just so you have it as a written reference and on record.

And get the restraining order anyway. It may not intimidate him, but you need to have it for your own safety. If he's that close to the edge of snapping, it could happen no matter what and at least with the order in place you can call the police and have him removed.
:pixie: I hope he gives up, goes away, and leaves you alone.

[disneydrmr]

I agree with everything Sarah said. Get yourself some pepper spray and keep your doggie inside. Make sure you also provide your grandma with some spray since he's shown up there. Get that restraining order. And do NOT be afraid to call the police when he shows up. You might also look into taking some self defense courses. After an attempted break in (this after an actual break in) at my home (both times MY car was in the drive way and my dh's was not - and I was home one time) I took a class and learned quite a bit. Be safe. We're all thinking of you!

[crazypoohbear]

April,
Run Don't walk to the police station!
Tell them what is going on. STRESS that you are in fear for your life... In Worc. it's difficult to get a restraining order unless you prove that you are in fear for your safety and life. Which clearly you are. Document everything he has said, you will need to write this out in an affidavit on the restraining order anyway.
You CAN NOT get pepper spray in MA without an FID card, which costs about $100.00 now!??
This guy knows he can intimidate you because he has been doing it for 15 years. You must not be afraid of going to the police. This is what this type of bully does they make you think they aren't afraid but when someone bigger and stronger (POLICE) approach him, he might just back away.
PLEASE do this you'll feel better.
And keep your dog inside if possible.
Tell your grandmother to NOT let him in her house under ANY circumstances. Tell her not to fall for his sob story or any other "emergency" that he comes up with.
Keep us posted and good luck
OH, Day break in Worcester is a good place to contact, they help women with just this type of problem.
Take care

[goofiecrazy]

Get ur rear to the police station and tell them everything and see what they can do for u. Now its to the point that u feel he might hurt ur family members by showing up at ur grandmoms house like that just to see where u are. That is scary if u havent had a relationship with him in years and he still comes around looking for u and going to family members houses looking for u. You need to get a restaining order against him to show him u dont want and kind of contact with him..

[MsMin]

I'm going to PM you some techniques in handling possessive ppl. I can't list them here b/c if he reads it or others like him --they won't work:secret:
Yes, don't be afraid to go to the police, you need to document as much as possible. It's true that ppl like that typically don't abide by a restraining order but the police usually can help you more w/ one.

[BrerGnat]

How does the guy keep finding you? Have you considered moving away and NOT telling anyone except your immediate family? I know it's not convenient, but honestly, it's what I'd do if I had to deal with a situation like this.

My younger sister went through this with her HS boyfriend. She got a restraining order, but then he STILL broke into our house, ripped her phone out of the wall so she could not call for help, PHYSICALLY beat her in her own bedroom and finally left after a guy friend of hers showed up (she had been on the phone with him when he broke into the house and he said he was coming right over). The police ended up arresting him as he was on his way home, since she called 911 after he left. He was arrested but bailed out of jail and ended up not really being punished for what he did. She ended up moving away and into a big city, where it is virtually impossible for him to find her. She moved there for school and then found a job there, so it all worked out, but he was a BAD guy...sometimes that's how you have to deal with them.

[princessjojo]

I couldn't imagine having to go through that over and over for years. I have to agree that I would get with the police now. It may not hurt to have others who he has bothered and harrassed obtain a restraining order as well.

I also agree about the journaling of events. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. It is your best friend when it comes to recollection of events later down the road. And don't necessarily keep it in an easy place to access. If he is as unstable as you say, and breaks in with it on the table, he could very well take it and run.

Best of luck with this! Hind site is always better than fore site and in this instance it is better to be safe than sorry.

[mrsgaribaldi]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this April. You are such a sweet woman. I agree with everything that has been said. Remember to stay aware of your surroundings at all times when you are out. Here's some :pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie:for you and your peace of mind.

[PirateLover]

I can't give you any more advice other than what has already been stated, but I wanted to send some :pixie: your way and remind you to stay alert!!! And don't hesitate to get that restraining order. Good luck, please stay safe and keep us updated.

[crazypoohbear]

April,
Here are a few more things that I have learned to do over the years. ALWAYS park under a light, be it on the road, mall, work where ever,
Keep driving until you find a lighted spot.

When walking to your car, look under it and around it as you are walking towards the car, don't wait to look around when you get there, by then you are too close to danger.
Keep your cell phone out when walking to or from your car or home.
My phone has voice calling.
If yours does progam 911 and have the voice contol be HELP IF God forbid he does anything your phone is out he will expect you to yell help and not think anything. Then your phone will dial 911.
When going out with friends or family if they drop you off at night, have them wait in the driveway til you not only get in but turn on the lights inside the house.
I hope these suggestions help you for now until you get police help.

[daparish]

I am so sorry you are going throught this. I think you have been given some great advice. Please keep us informed and be safe.

[DREAMADREAM93]

That must be terrifying!

GO TO THE POLICE. Get a restraining order and make a huge deal about it while your in the police station. Dont leave untill you have one.
TAKE SELF-DEFENSE LESSONS. Make sure that in the event that he snaps, you'll be ready.
MAKE SURE THAT ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY KNOW THAT THIS IS GOING ON AND WHO HE IS. Once again, if he snaps, people will pretty much be able to know who is responsible and that he should be looked into.
KEEP THE POOCH INDOORS. I have 2 dogs and i love them to death because they're family. And you wouldn't want to risk anything.
KEEP YOUR GRANDMA SAFE by letting her stay with a relitive or changing the locks on her doors or putting in an alarm system.

:gangster:get a gun.

I think you'll feel a little more comfortable afterwards.

JOrdan :]

[SBETigg]

I believe MA has a felony stalking law. I would definitely check with police and some local women's groups to see what kind of help you can get. You don't have to be alone in this.

[maizey05]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I have one more thing to add. Don't know what kind of work you do, or when you work, but if by chance you leave when it's dark, have a coworker walk you to your car. I've never been in your scenario, but I worked in a high crime area and when leaving from work, that's what I did. Like everyone's saying, get the restraining order. I used to work as an advocate at a domestic violence crisis center. We dealt with cases like yours, which aren't "DV", but more stalking. You may want to find a place like I worked at, as they are very helpful in getting a restraining/protection order and offering support. Does this person call you also? I hope not. Best of luck to you, and take care.

[disneydrmr]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I have one more thing to add. Don't know what kind of work you do, or when you work, but if by chance you leave when it's dark, have a coworker walk you to your car. I've never been in your scenario, but I worked in a high crime area and when leaving from work, that's what I did. Like everyone's saying, get the restraining order. I used to work as an advocate at a domestic violence crisis center. We dealt with cases like yours, which aren't "DV", but more stalking. You may want to find a place like I worked at, as they are very helpful in getting a restraining/protection order and offering support. Does this person call you also? I hope not. Best of luck to you, and take care.

Adding to the 'at work' scenario.. make sure your co-workers know what is going on... pass his photo around so they will know who he is and tell them to alert you if he is seen on your work property. If there is a 'reception' area make sure the receptionist is aware of the situation and knows what he looks like. If he comes in then work out a plan for her to let you know and call the police. We have an 'emergency' page worked out where I work.. it's a certain 'line' that will be announced with a fake employees name... if we hear that we know there is trouble in the lobby... Again.. please be careful!

[snifflesmcg]

I don't know the laws in the state you are in but should should file for a restraining order. If you have asked him repeatedly to leave you alone and he hasn't, he is harrassing you. Do something about this as soon as you can.

[aprilisis]

Thanks so much for all of your advice!! You guys are all so thoughtful & you give great advice. I wanted to fill you in on the latest: When I got home from work yesterday, there was a note on my door. It asked my parents to contact a police officer about me & there was a phone number on it. By the time I got home, the officer had gone home for the day, so I called him this morning. He told me that the hotline called him and said that there was a "weird call" to a suicide hotline supposedly from me or about me. I told the officer that it could not be from my house during working hours because no one is home. Come to find out- it was the guy who is bothering me. :blowup: Now...he KNOWS I am fine if my mom just told him that I was not home Monday night. I think he is doing that just to get a rise out of me. When I explained the situation to the officer, he told me that I can "try" to get a restraining order at the Courthouse. I plan to go when I get out of work early on Friday.
For now, I am lucky because I work for a Town government (far from Worcester) located right behind the town's police station. So far I have told everyone in the office about him & today I am going to let the police here at work know. I also made the police officer who lives across the street from me aware of the situation, so I feel a little better at home. I'll keep you posted on what happens next.
:thanks: Thanks again to all of you for your support & great advice.

[Dsnygirl]

April, I am so sorry you are having to go through this!! I don't have any extra advice to add - everyone has given such great advice already. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I will send some prayers your way - what a scarey thing to have happen. I'm glad to hear you have a policman in your neighborhood - that sure helps!! Make sure you show everyone this guys picture, too... who knows - maybe once he knows you're taking this whole thing very seriously, he'll back off. If not - at least you'll have a lot of people watching out for you! Good luck, and let us know how you're doing!!

[crazypoohbear]

April,
As I stated before especially in Worcester, when you go to the courthouse, Make sure you STRESS that you are afraid for your life. Do NOT try to be strong when talking with the judge, let him see you cry it will only help your case. IF you try to show that you can't be intimidated by him then the judge will think you can fend for your self. Please be a vulnerable as possible in front of the judge. You won't be faking it, only showing how you really feel. Keep us posted.

[Stitchahula]

April arrange a code word with family or friends so if they call and you say it they know there is trouble and to call the police right away. Make it something that will not alert him to what's going on though.Talk to the police where you work maybe if you are in a different district you can go to that court house to get the restraining order. Also maybe you get your parents, grandparents and yourself to have a no tresspass order issued against him. It's different than a restraining order it just lets him know he is NOT welcomed on that property. If you can afford it maybe check into a doggie daycare for baby that way there is someone with him all day, but let them know that no one but you is to pick up your dog. Good luck keep us posted.

[Marilyn Michetti]

April, please do anything it takes to protect yourself. You're young, I'm guessing single, and have lots of life left. I hope you're also talking to an attorney, and police, as well as us. I can't say I know what I would do, but I think I might consider getting a change of address, maybe in a gated community. I hope and pray that this creep will finally give up.

I'm from Philly, and I worked with a guy that would beat the brains out of people like that for $100, but I don't REALLY think that's a good idea.

Prayers to you. Pixie dust just won't do it. Keep us in the loop, and God be with you !:thumbsup:

[Donald A]

First, let me say that you are in a terrible situation. I join others on here in expressing regret this is happening to you. You do not deserve this.

This sounds horrible to say it this way, but if you have trouble getting a restraining order tell whomever issues this order that if this individual enters your property you are prepared to use deadly force to defend yourself since you feel he is there to cause you serious harm (even if you are not). This helps law enforcement know you are serious. If you do get the restraining order, use it if needed. The police are bound to come a lot quicker if you once again say, "if this individual enters my home I will use deadly force." Of course, this kind of thing varies by state law. I know in Indiana we have a castle doctrine law. If someone enters your house unwelcome (ie, breaks in) deadly force is justified without a duty to retreat. The law assumes that individual is there to cause deadly harm and you don't have to wait to find that out.

[aprilisis]

Well...I just wanted to update. The police here in the town I work for are all very aware of this situation now & will be looking out for the psycho if he shows up at my workplace. The police officer that lives across the street from me told me that he will have a chat with him if he sees him around my house. I feel much better now. I am also going to leave work a little early today to stop by the courthouse to ask for a restraining order. Let's hope I can get one! Thanks, everyone, again for all of your great advice- I really can't thank you enough. Just being able to talk with all of you & vent to you has helped a lot.:thanks:

[Terra]

Jumping in late here...
But wanted to say thanks for the updates and I'm really glad that you know and have some police officers around you!

Please continue to keep us posted and take those measures that people have mentioned as well!!
Code words, parking under lights, ect!!

[BrerSchultzy]

So far, you've gotten some GREAT advice...this man seems to be crazy, and I hope you never underestimate the power of crazy. Take care...we're thinking about you! Keep us updated.

[DisneyDudet]

While in nursing school, we learned about domestic abuse. While you are not living with this person, he fits the profile of an abuser, if not mentally ill.

Here are some things we learned to tell patients.

Have a safe house, non obvious and non family (meaning who he knows about). Also, pack a bag, with extra house keys, car keys, phone numbers, copies of any documentation (passports, id's, restraining order, etc), clothes, and money. Keep this bag at your safe house. This will give you a back up place to go in case your house has been compromised.

Have a code word with anyone you feel is safe. If you can call the number while something is happening, or you're on the phone with someone and he is there, say your code word which can signal others to call for help for you.

Change your locks. You never know what he's capable of, so have your police friend to change your locks.

Inform your family to NOT open the door, no matter where they are or what time. You can use your code word if you have to come through the doors.

If you use a garage door, make sure you lock your doors before opening it when leaving. and scan the area before you close it when coming back.

If you feel your safety and the safety of your family is at risk, get to a police station and have them find a safe place for you to stay, say a trusted hotel or something. If you want to do this on your own, make sure the workers at the front desk do not give your names or even if you are stay there away to anyone w/o a passcode.

If you want your puppy safe, see if he/she can stay with someone else or something like a nice boarder. There is no price on your family and your pet. Do what you have to do to keep them safe.

This has turned into a huge long book. All other suggestions sound great.

With regards to having your phone out when walking while out, make sure you are not talking on it or are distracted, which is an easy target for people. Look all around, and let them know you are watching for them. They want you when you least expect it. If you somewhat are on top of your game, they will leave you alone, if not, you're more alert to respond.

I'm not real sure what else to say, except trust your instincts. If you get a bad feeling about something, you're better off turning around and heading somewhere safe. Go to the police if you have to. They'd much rather you come get them for nothing, then for them to get there when its too late. If you can't get to a police station, a fire station is also a great place and usually much more available.

Ok... Im' seriously done now!!

Please update us soon! We all care about you and your family!

[Jeri Lynn]

Hi April,
Just checking in and hoping that all is going ok for you.

[aprilisis]

Thanks for thinking of me! So far, so good. I have to talk with my neighbor to see if he has spoken with the guy. I did get the no trespass order, so maybe that actually worked! I haven't gotten any weird calls either. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is the end of dealing with psycho boy. :thumbsup:

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

Get an alarm system. ADT isn't all that expensive. You don't have to have all the windows alarmed. You can just get them for the doors and a motion detector. Mine also comes with panic buttons. I have one for police, one for fire and one for medical. I just push them and the alarm company automatically calls the appropriate department. If he ever broke in, you could push all 3 of them and have a nice crowd to take care of him.
They also make simple alarms that you hang on your door knob. It makes a big racket so that it might scare him off if heaven forbid, he should break in.
You could also get a recording of a big vicious dog and play that loudly if you heard anything suspicious while you are at home.
Generally your sixth sense is right on, so please listen to it! Try not to put yourself in a situation he can get to you. There is safety in numbers.