Mother in Law...help!

[maizey05]

Ok, give me any advice you can on this one. Here's the story...
I have a 3 month old son (our first), whom I'm very protective of, of course. My mother in law, whom I've only seen twice in the 7 yrs. of being together w/ DH, informed us she will be flying our way soon, to see our son. Honestly, I prefer not to see her/have contact with her. Why? She abandoned my DH when he was growing up, has some substance abuse issues/is married to someone who is also, chain smokes (can't stand that), has stood DH up several times when she was supposed to meet up with him(5 yrs. since they've seen eachother). She was fired from work for embezelment (sp). She never acknowleges DH's birthday, etc. To say the least, I am less than thrilled at the thought of a long weekend with her. I am totally freaked out at the thought of having to hand my baby over to someone who can barely put a cigarette down and has proven to be shady. Sure, she is his "grandma" by relation, but DH and I agree, this will probably be the only time she will see him. I honestly get almost ill thinking that we have to meet up with her next month. If I could do what I feel is right, I would not meet up with her at all. What to do???

[Jeff]

Wow! What a tough situation.
I have no usefull advice - just wanted to say "good luck".

[Piglet822]

:ditto:

She won't be staying with you in your house, will she? I hope not. If she thinks that tell her you've found a lovely hotel where she'll be quite comfortable and then give her the name of one.

In this case I don't think you're being over protective at all. This woman has quite a history. Maybe she won't show up this time either. Her track record for showing up for promised visits doesn't seem to be too good.

Best of luck to you, my dear :hug: IMO, just because someone is blood related doesn't necessarily make them family.

[Speedy1998]

Though one. #1 if she is coming to your home, do not let her smoke. I do not think it is too unreasonable to ask guest not to do things in your home that you do not like. You can also point out home the second hand smoke will hurt the baby. This will probably strain your relationship even more, but it sounds like you prefer not to have a relationship with her anyway.

[wdw_bound]

tell her you've found a lovely hotel where she'll be quite comfortable and then give her the name of one.


This is excellent advice. I love my sister dearly, but still stay in a hotel with my kids when we go to visit to give us both breathing room.

As for the rest, be polite, but firm - no smoking near the baby (in our house, we set up a "smoking lounge" in the back yard when grandpa is coming over, complete with an ashtray). I'd also put away any alcohol and just tell her and FIL that you don't even keep it in the house. I wouldn't say this to MIL, but you and DH should agree that she not be left alone with the baby. Are you nursing? I always found it very convenient to have to take the baby for a feeding when I felt the need to give myself or the baby quiet time (there were some family visits where the baby had quite the feast, :secret: )

If MIL is as unreliable as you say, I wouldn't sweat it too much at this stage - she may not even show up. And if she does, it will be on your terms - it's amazing how strong a mama lion can be :thumbsup:

[daparish]

Loads of :pixie: :pixie: heading your way. What a tough situation.

[Donald A]

I would try to set firm ground rules. #1 is no smoking. Put valuables away and just try to get through it. Best of luck.

[disneydeb]

Not allowing her to smoke in your home will send her back to a more comfortable place for her. (make her want to go home) I think she is getting older now and realizing the mistakes she made and probably wants to live a better life from now on...(hopefully). Good luck and God bless! Could you book her into a non-smoking hotel? :D

[MsMin]

I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
:ditto: on the no smoking. Sometimes with ppl like this you have to be very firm with your rules. We don't allow smoking in the house, not "please don't smoke in the house" often ppl like that don't think the rules apply to them.
How does your DH feel about this visit? Most often ppl like this can be very manipulative and are not happy without a crisis. I've seen it over and over, they will end up setting themselves up to be the victim and never learning about how to help or share, etc. with others.
Knowing what to expect and to plan to work as a team with your DH helps. Unfortunately, there is such a history there that most likely feelings will be sensitive.
I'll look for some info or links and PM them to you b/c it wouldn't be appropriate to put them on the site. :pixie:

[Marilyn Michetti]

I say, meet her in a public place, Hold your son for her to ohhhh and ahhh over, and don't say much. Let her "spout", and you be the filter. You'll know soon into the visit, if this is a typical behaviour based on her history. However, people really do have life changing experiences, and maybe this will be her only chance to prove that to you.

Give her a few minutes of your time on neutral ground. If she's the "same old, same old", you'll know, and that will be it. (It would be for me). I feel for your poor DH. This will rip off a scar if it goes badly.

Good luck. I hope it goes well.:wishes:

[DVC2004]

Good luck. I also agree on the no smoking. At least it is only a weekend. Hopefully she is staying elsewhere than your home? That will make it easier.

[maizey05]

Thanks for the great advice everyone! She planned to stay at our home for a week, however DH and I agreed that it would be too much time, and I said absolutely not at my house. She has asked for $ in the past and hopefully that won't happen again (we've never given her any). (Don't have a problem helping those in need, but know how she would choose to spend it.) In a way, DH is looking semi forward to seeing her. I think. This is hard for me to understand, as she hasn't been a real "Mom" to him ever. I'm almost positive though, that when he does see her and hear her sob stories and drama once again, it will be like opening up an old wound. I feel so bad, because he's had to work hard to get past his family's shortcomings and reputation. I'm thinking this visit will drag him down. This woman is very pushy, and I'm going to have to really put my foot down. Another demonstration of what she's like: DH and I were given my DH's baby book, last year. (It was left in his mom's prior residence, which was reposessed.) I know...somebody call Jerry Springer! Anyway, we were looking through it, and when she the first thing she thought when she saw my DH as an infant was that "he was ugly". I don't care if my baby was born with a deformity, handicap, etc. I would still think it was the most beautiful little thing. So...I think that demonstrates what kind of person we're dealing with.

[murphy1]

What a horrible thing to call a baby ugly!! I think you got some great advice. Your dh really sounds like a wonderful person coming from so much.

[merlinmagic4]

I'm going to agree with Marilyn and say that hopefully this will be a life changing experience for her. Sometimes people do change and I admire you for even seeing her and giving her a chance to meet her new grandchild. I really hope this happens for you; I know it's unlikely but you never know.......good luck.

[crazypoohbear]

I'm sure you have lots of different emotions going on right now. But please keep in mind the baby can't speak for himself so you really need to be vigilant in keeping the baby safe.
Make sure she knows ahead of time that not only is there no smoking in your house there is no smoking in the baby's presence!
If you feel there is still some substance abuse going on don't let her stand up and hold the baby, she may not be steady on her feet.
I wholeheartedly agree about the hotel, and she should feel comfortable with that, then she can smoke.
As for your husband kind of looking forward to seeing her, I can understand that, no matter how old you are or what has happened in the past you still crave your parents love and approval, even though you know in your head it most likely isn't coming you still want and need it.And if she disappoints once again the pain will come again, but this time he has a new life to focus on and loving the baby will help with the pain the mother causes.
I wish you all the best, especially your husband.

I think the motto of dysfunctionals families everywhere is "avoid disappointment, aim low":(

[snifflesmcg]

Well, first off, I would not have her stay in my house. The very thought of her doing something illegal or even stealing from you would be enough for me to keep her out. Have her stay in a hotel and put a no smoking ban in your home. If that would be a problem, go somewhere outside at a mutual location. I know it's akward to have her come and see you all but you might as well do it and get it over with. Just maybe she'll presently surprise you.

[SBETigg]

Do stand up for your own little family unit while being as gracious as can be, but please keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. You're entitled to your emotions and your concerns and it's okay to not like her even though she is your DH's mom. It's even understandable to avoid contact if this is what you both decide to do.

Babies are resilient. You'll be right there, I'm sure, to see that she couldn't possibly do anything hurtful to your child. The greater impact is sure to be on your husband. Support him and be there for him, but don't feel pressed into going against your better judgment just because she's "family." Best wishes that all goes well.

[Belle619]

Wow - this sounds exactly like my sister's mother-in-law! She even went so far as to steal her son's identity to open up charge cards in his name.

Anyway my sister and brother-in-law are unfortunate enough to live in the same town as her, so in that respect, you are lucky. So, what I've learned from their situation is just what the others have said - you need to have ground rules, you need to be firm and you need to work as a team.

And your husband may be happy to see her, it is his mother after all, so you'll need to be supportive but also the voice of reason - especially if she were to ask for $ again.

Good luck!

[maizey05]

That's horrible about the identity theft! DH's mom has done that kind of thing also. When DH was still in school, his mom stole checks from her work and bought a computer and other misc. items. She was fired ,and DH was so ashamed, he took the computer etc. to her former work place and apolagized (sp). Too bad she wasn't the one to see the error of her ways!

[maizey05]

Any more advice? Keep em' coming.

[SallyfromDE]

Well, I think it's DH Mom and for him to handle it. You to support. Otherwise, you'll be cast as the bad guy. I know, who cares. Have DH tell her he made ressies for her, in her name at the local Holiday Inn or whatever. And how much it is. That you both thought she'd be more comfortable there since there is no smoking in your house. Both of you just be firm, no smoking around or near the baby. End of story. I bet she either won't come, or make the visit short.

[princessjojo]

I can feel your pain. I have several issues with my MIL as well.

I agree with what many have said. Do not let her smoke in your home. I come from a tobacco dependant family and my dad smokes a lot. He knows the hazards. When my children were hurt a couple years ago, they were with him(not his fault in any way) and the doctors said that he had to give up his 3pots of coffee/day and smoking. It's sad to say, but if he were to give them both up at the same time, we would kill him before the smoking or caffine. Back to the point though. He does not and has never smoked in my home or any of my sisters' homes. He doesn't even smoke in his own home any longer since I do have 1 sister still living there.

If you feel so strongly about her, it may be worth it to you to foot the bill for a hotel for her, just to keep her at arms length and "control" the situation to some degree. I wouldn't allow her any alone time in your home or with your child though.

I think the most important thing is that you be there for your DH when she doesn't show, or tries to manipulate your DH. You will be his rock for support and that is what makes you family and seperates you from her.

Best of luck.

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

If things are uncomfortable, you can always claim that the baby needs nap time. Be firm in what you will and won't tolerate. And don't leave the baby alone with her for any reason. I'm not saying she'll do anything, but why leave anything to chance.
As for her asking for money, you can turn that around and say that you were hoping she had some to spare, since having a child is so expensive. Maybe if she thinks you'll be asking her for money, she'll keep her distance.
Maybe she's changed but I wouldn't pin my hopes on it. You have to feel bad for your husband though. He's still her kid, no matter how badly she's behaved. He'll undoubtedly need your support through this.

[maizey05]

Just an update. What do you think???
DH's mother is coming to visit in 2 weeks. She will be staying about 3 hours from our home, with some of her disfunctional family. She wanted us to visit with her for the week she's in the area. I was so upset with the whole dilemma, I told my DH what I was willing to do regarding myself and DS (4 months). I asked him to tell his mother what I had decided in advance, so she couldn't say we didn't tell her. This is what I decided and what was told to her.

DH will meet up with her for 3 days (this is again, 3 hours away and he will stay in a hotel).

My parents will be driving myself and DS to meet up w/ her on the last day of her stay. (I might add;myself, DS, DH, and my parents will be flying out for vacation the same day she's leaving. That's why my parents are driving us.)

MIL was told she is not to smoke around or near our DS.

Her DH (he is a drunk...chances are he will be drinking as they drive to meet us...sad but true), is not to hold our DS.

She was told she is not welcome at our home because of multiple reasons we cited to her.

After all that, she asked my DH if something was wrong. Hmmmm, she catches on quick, ya' think??? He told her, "We prefer our life to be drama-free." She told him she wasn't coming all that way to not see our house. DH told her, "our home isn't a tourist attraction. If you stayed here, you'd want to whole family to hang around here, and we can't have that." (several family members have done prison time, been arrested for drugs, theft etc.)

I have to say, one thing about DH is making me feel really bad. Like I said, DS is 4 months old. DH told her he would be driving over to visit w/ her on Sunday (Father's Day). I feel sad about this, since this is his first Father's Day as a Daddy. I can't help but feel like he should be spending that day w/ DS any myself, instead of a mother who has never made an effort. What to do????

[DisneyOtaku]

All these posts about bad MILs...almost makes me scared to get married now :shake:

As for the Father's Day traveling, is a designated time your DH needs to meet up with his mother? If not, I would suggest having a special brunch/lunch with him, since it is his first Father's Day. Then he can brag to his mother what a wonderful family he has and how great it feels to be a responsible parent--though that's just mostly to rub salt in old wounds since his mom was never around. :secret:

[mrsgaribaldi]

I understand how upsetting it is that your husband won't be there for his first Father's Day but maybe the stuff with his mom really bothers him and he's hoping to make things a little better. Since they haven't seen each other for 5 years I hope that she has straightened out somewhat. I think your feelings about the baby and your MIL and the rules you have set are excellent:thumbsup: Good luck. Here's some :pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie:for it all to go really well.

On a side note for DisneyOtaku:
Dont worry about getting married. Not all MILs are bad. My MIL was the nicest woman and we had a great relationship. Unfortunately she died 8 years ago but I still love her and miss her dearly.

[SallyfromDE]

Can he spend the morning with the 2 of you? Go out to brunch or lunch. Enjoy his fathers day. Then leave to she his DMom? I think it's great that he's tackling all this with her. I'm sure it's hard.

[aprilisis]

I am sorry I don't have any more advice for you than what other people have said, but I wanted to say that I think the rules/guidelines you set are really good. I also wanted to send you a bunch of :pixie::pixie::pixie::pixie:
Please keep us posted and good luck with the visit! :hug:

[maizey05]

Thanks to all for your good advice. Myself and DS will be meeting up w/ MIL on June 20th. I'll let you know how things went. Hopefully, I won't have much to say, and it will be a fairly drama-free visit.

As far as the comment went about worrying about getting married etc. I think it's safe to say most women I've met are not like my MIL. She is not by any means "the norm".